TGIF

Well all I can say thank God the weekend is here.
Yesterday I barely made it home from work, partially in tears from pain and partially in tears because of depression (since my favorite place to cry these days is alone in my car stuck in traffic). When I finally got home to my husband all I could blurt out was that my stomach was killing me. I haven't probably had this bad cramps I would say uh...ever!

And to make things worse was the terrible headache that went along with it and the nausea in my stomach (very strange) but I could not wait to go just straight to bed. I immediately took 2 tylenol with codeine and drank some tea and waited for the drugs to kick in. Finally went to bed and an hour later was still feeling the pain. This was the first time ever (even after my D&C) that I took 3(!) tylenols with codeine to deal with the pain. It was that bad.

Finally drifted off in a blissful state of drugs for the rest of the night. How I wish that I could be in that blissful state up until someone wakes me up to ovulate and start all over again.

Month 4 Bust

Before anyone gets too excited; I woke up this morning to a bigger dip in temp and AF.
So much for "not having it"

This blows.

Update - Progesterone and current status Cycle 4

someday I'll post my Thanksgiving post...

But First off - the most important...
Day 28 currently...still no AF (!)
That's 12dpo for those who are still following along. Hey at least I made it this far I should be so happy.
So scared to take my temp every morning that I regret having to go to bed at night...almost didn't take it this morning but chickened out...the fact of not knowing is apparently worse than knowing. Luckily I stayed steady after a dip from my super high temp the other day.
Fingers crossed.

Also, on the doctor front:
received call back FINALLY. Long story short, I did test slightly low on progesterone. I tested at 7.2 and they usually like 10. But it was a day prior to when they are supposed to test (according to dr. google - the usual testing day of 22 was thanksgiving so obviously I couldn't test on that day) and she went on to say that maybe I ovulated a tad late this month. Which I did ... I'm doing day 16 these days apparently rather than day 14... so after accidentally slipping that I've only had a 25 day cycle once...(last month) and now I'm late at already day 28, she said the following:

1) Go ahead and test as I see fit (yay!)
2) If I do get a positive I am to call the office immediately for the progesterone cream
3) If I do not get a positive and finally get AF I need to wait til I've tried for 6 months before she'll put me on clomid ...damn (is that the same as progesterone? I thought clomid was for people not ovulating...which I am I just don't have enough progesterone to keep the bun sticking. Does anyone have any insight?)

damn...I wish I didn't leak out that there was only one really short month...if you call that short I guess. Well everything is crossed at this point.

On another weird strange note, my mother called me at work today...which is what she likes to do when she wants to annoy me, to especially tell me that she had a dream that was extremely realistic of her holding a baby...she claimed she never had a dream feel so real. She also claims to have psychic tendencies...and this is why she tells me about her dreams.

I was like yeah whatever mom....maybe you're pregnant.

So either this is another one of her psychic tendencies, which is what I'm hoping...or she just did that as a nudge...which I certainly don't need right now.

The other weird thing now that I think of it was a co-worker (also today) in the elevator, started talking about everyone having babies all of a sudden (someone said, It must be in the coffee - I was like "the hell it is" in my head of course) and then she turned to me and asked if I had kids, to which of course I said no...and she said, oh, but you're married right...I said yes...but oddly no one EVER asks questions like that of me, especially at my work where in my field its not uncommon for a professional to not have children. Hmmmm just food for thought I guess...

Maybe I'm a little more transparent than I think.

Cycle Update

So I'd like to do a post Thanksgiving thoughts post but first...a cycle update, because as we all know time is money (or eggs?).

So today I'm on cd26 which means I made it past my 25 day cycle which happened last month. The shortest cycle I've ever had and to top it all off a late ovulation date, which we all know means a short luteal phase, which is not good. But it's day 26 and so far no AF in sight (everything crossed). Fertility friend dot com says that I ovulated on day 16 which now that I've re-analyzed my chart from last month (before I started using the website) I think I also ovulated last month on the 16th.

So as I went on my little vacation trip this last weekend to get away I did a lot of thinking...and I sat myself down while looking out over the beautiful beach view we had and thought this is absolutely ridiculous. I had a perfect ovulation sign this month from my opk...which coincided with a perfect temperature match on the website, which perfectly matched my perfectly timed ewcm which I then perfectly matched with perfectly timed intercourse. Soooooooooo I'm not taking it! I'm not accepting that there is not a pregnancy forming because if there isn't I'm going to be very very pissed off at my body and the gods and the stars and moons because guess what THIS IS RIDICULOUS! How perfectly matched do I need to make everything without getting pregnant I ask????? WTH?

So far I've had one temp rise right after ovulation, a second one on 7dpo, and just this morning the highest temp I've ever had. All at least a jump of .3 - .4. So what is THAT ALL about????
I mean I know that pregnancy doesn't always happen after well timed intercourse (as I was reminded again today when reading thru ff.com) but even after well timed ovulation, well timed temp increases? well timed ewcm? AND well timed intercourse?!!!! I won't have it I tell you! I won't!!!!

So I was ready to test today but then I checked ff.com and it said that I can't test until 12/5. Oh I don't think so! But it is still early so my goal is to wait til Wed. at 13dpo. But we'll see how far I get. Since last night I've been tip toeing around as if, if I'm super quiet AF won't find me. And there's been a lot of random begging, praying and demanding in my head to the upper powers as well. I think I've seriously lost it.

Pre Thanksgiving Thoughts

So today luckily we were released from work by Noon, that is with your supervisor's permission. Unfortunately for me, my supervisor is the spitting image of the Devil Wears Prada character. Only she has less taste and less class, but of course she thinks she walks on water. It's actually quite sad sometimes.

Anyways I had it all planned. I would dart out the door at 12 noon to make it over for my progesterone test before they closed at lunch. My biggest fear was that they were cutting out early and that I wouldn't get to have it tested. I read that it's normally supposed to be tested on the 22nd day (luck of the draw my day 1 of this cycle was Nov. 1st) but I guess because that's Thanksgiving my doctor said to test for it on 11/21. So whatever it means it's obviously important that I test on this day.

So I'm ready to leave and and an email from Prada comes my way. It says, "When are you leaving for the day?" meaning, are you going to stick around to meet my every whim because I'm not done yet. Now this is all fine and dandy if she actually really needed help with something but what USUALLY happens is that she's "pondering something" and just needs me to stand by in case she needs a second opinion. And then she sometimes takes off without telling me so I'm just sitting there thinking that I need to wait for her. Seriously, it's happened before. Meanwhile her weekend has started.

So anyways I explain that I need to go get blood taken before they close but that I can come right back. "Oooh no...that's fine, you go ahead, I was just going to talk to you about some extra thoughts I had on your performance review (by the way these were due ages ago - but for some reason at the last hour at the last second right before a 3 day holiday, she has these thoughts) and I figured I should go over with you before I put them in. Meaning that she's going to take down my score or something. What the hell????!!! I mean come on! What does she just sit there at night thinking how she can screw with me? I knew my review this year went too smoothly. No little crappy little nit picking. Last time I literally had my score lowered because I accidentally forgot to capitalize AIDS in an email...even though it was a quick one sent to her with that word actually cut and pasted from another VPs email. I am not joking...she rated me and all my work for the entire year and all she could come up with was the time I didn't capitalize AIDS. I wouldn't normally care about this but it's obvious that this is attached to my annual raise.

So now I have to go thru the entire 3 day weekend worrying about what she's going to pick at me this time about. I am trying as hard as I can to not let her control my life but she just gets under my skin! I mean what kind of person tells an employee before a 3 day weekend that there will be changes to there performance review but not telling them specifically what the deal is. I sort of wished I actually went back to the office after the test and asked her...but at the same time I didn't want to let her think she controlled me in that way.

So that's what I'll be doing this weekend...fighting off not worrying about what Prada is going to rig up for me on Monday. Joy. All I can say is that this better not mess up my mini vacation to La Jolla on Sat./Sun. The hubster and I decided, well rather I decided that I needed a weekend away. So we are going down to the beach to spend sometime at a hotel spa that my brother got married at. I'll give a full update on Monday. It's awesome. Anyways the hell if I'm letting her get to me. Then watch I'll worry the entire weekend and she'll tell me that I just misspelled something again. (By the way my job has nothing to do with copy editing in case you were wondering and would obviously rightfully so be an issue if I were misspelling things.) She often does things like that. Like she'll come into your office and ask if she can speak to you in private and then make a big deal and close your door and then ask if what she said in a meeting made sense or something lame like that. Such the drama queen. The most irritating thing is that she's just so obviously oblivious to other people feelings, she acts like a true spoiled brat. Leading me to think who in the world are her parents that raised her. And do they know they created an animal? Sometimes I honestly think she's going to Hell...and I rarely think people go to Hell...I'm pretty much from the thought that God is forgiving and everyone goes to Heaven!

Anyways for my Thanksgiving plans this year we are heading over to my brother in laws house for dinner. Which is good and both bad. He has a huge house but a lack of dishes and serving stuff. The total bachelor pad. So we are all bringing the food and anything we need for the dinner. It's a big pain in the butt but the hubby and I just don't have enough room to have everyone over to our place so off to his place it is.

The one thing I'm not really looking forward to this year is the "Thankfulness speech" tradition. The tradition in my husband's family is to go around the table each year and everyone has to say what they are thankful for. I've been dreading this all month and keep thinking what I'm going to say without bursting into tears. Because quite honestly...I'm not thankful for much these days. I mean I know that sounds terrible but it's hard to keep your head up when you've gone thru heartache throughout the year, as you well know.

What am I supposed to say? I'm thankful I had a miscarriage and that now I can't get pregnant again. Nice. Or how about that I'm thankful that I still have a crappy boss. How about this...I'm thankful that the housing cost in California is still so high that two people who work executive positions, with no kids by the way STILL cannot afford to buy an actual home that is big enough to support a family in a safe part of town. Is that what I'm thankful for? I'm sure I can come up with a million other things like I'm glad I'm alive, I'm glad we aren't living on the street, I'm glad that I still ovulate (at least for now) but sometimes...the bad things tend to stack up against the very good things.

So it's less than 24 hours and counting until I have to come up with what I'm thankful for and I want to stay clear of any "I'm thankful for having a family to support me in my time of need" in case I start to bawl...and quite frankly although they would like to be there for me I've really not been able to relate to anyone.

As you know it's awfully hard to understand what a person is going thru with miscarriage until you go thru it yourself. For example god bless my brother in law but after they found out he approached me while we were all at a restaurant (of all places - yes please listen to my pain and don't forget to pass the chips and salsa) and said, "Do you want to talk?" A 43 year old male who is a chemist and pretty much is only interested in computers, sci fi, and wrestling wants me to spill my guts to him about something he will never fathom. He has a wife but she doesn't want children...so he doesn't really even know what its like. I appreciated the thought...but seriously...not going to happen.

So if anyone thinks of anything that can be my thankfulness this Thanksgiving please feel free to post away. Because quite frankly I'm running dry.

And I do thank you for that!

The Update

Well, I went in for my physical. I felt real confident that I had a grip on this miscarriage thing and felt confident this morning that there would be no break down. And wouldn't you know it of course there was. Literally the second she said..."so what happened here? Last time you came in you had a positive pregnancy." I lost it. In one second flat I lost it...I barely got out that I had miscarried. I just can't handle saying the "M" word I've realized. So now I've cried in front of my boss, my obgyn, my general practitioner and the millions of people on the 134 freeway in rush hour traffic on the way home from work. Well hopefully that's the end of it. As long as someone else doesn't ask about it, I should be good. Thank god I didn't have to tell my optometrist or dentist.

I think I've certainly gotten to the paranoia state about this blood test thing. I had to also get blood taken today because that's what you do with a physical. I was going to wait and just bring both blood lab slips on Wed. But then I thought...what if they get mixed up and the wrong results go to the wrong doctor and things just get prolonged. I hate to say it but my husband works in the medical field and because of this I know exactly how screwed up things can get. As my husband says...never trust anyone, always follow up...the medical field is an imperfect place. So I did my physical blood labs today and I'll pick up my progesterone blood labs at the po box tomorrow and be all set to get blood taken for the progesterone levels on Wed. I even have a half day on Wed. so I triple checked with the lab that they would be there and told them that I will be coming back in.

Let me tell you, if someone told me in my 20s that I would be voluntarily going into have blood drawn 2 days in one week I would have told you that you were crazy. I have always been terrified of having blood drawn and then luckily I was given the family jewel of genetically high cholesterol and had to quickly get over my needle phobia when I had to get it checked monthly.

Anyhow it's on for Wed. here we come little progesterone levels. I dare you to grow high enough...I dare you.

The No Update, Update

Well, I actually have nothing to report on my doctor's appt. for Thursday because duffus me got the wrong date...or was given the wrong date. After my trek over there and telling my office that I would be in late I was then told that she didn't ever have appts. on Thursdays. Grrrr.

So my update will have to wait til Monday, when my true appt. is. Oh well. The main purpose I'm really going is to have my cholesterol tested anyhow. I'll I'm still a little apprehensive about telling her about the miscarriage but I guess I have no choice. It's obvious that I won't be delivering a child next month. Hmmm wonder what she would say if I said, "pregnant!???" oh god no, "I've never been pregnant!" and just go about things as if I never were? She'd probably refer me to Psychiatric help. HA!

But on a positive note, I was so excited for the first time (can't believe I'm actually reporting this) to say that I've finally noted the eggwhite CM on my fertility friend chart. The moment I saw it Thursday I was ecstatic! Who knew that body mucus could make someone so happy. I've never actually noticed it before and was so excited that it exists! Also for the first time I truly saw a perfect 2nd line in my OPK!!!! I was beyond elated that this was all happening at the same time! Who would have thought these websites really know what they are talking about? So anyways here's hoping that this month will be the one...now if I can only hold on to this cycle for a little longer making it at least 28 days unlike the previous 25 days.

I also realized (since I've only been temping for 2 cycles now) that I THINK I ovulate on day 16...which I'm not 100 percent sure but is off the usual date that I plan my romantic nights. I've been usually planning them on around day 14. You would think something would still be around just a few days after but who knows what is going on down there.

I should also note since I'm on the topic of waaaay to much information that this month my cranky ovary is way more quieter...let me explain. I've always noticed that I have what I call a cranky ovary (my left) and what I call a quiet ovary (right). Basically meaning that I usually feel pretty close to nothing on my right side when I'm ovulating on that side...and feel A LOT of cramps and what not on my left. My instinct first was that I would never get pregnant with my cranky one because there could be something wrong on that side. But then I got pregnant the first time with my cranky one and my feelings for good ol' cranky changed. Then last month I had this new idea that maybe it's the quiet ones that always come thru and had high hopes with the quiet one...but to no avail obviously. So now we are on little miss cranky and I have to report she's been quite quiet these days...making me concerned that she's not her old self some days and then some days I'm thinking maybe this is a good thing? Anyways it will be interesting to see which one comes thru if either of them do! Too bad we can't do betting on these sites huh???? It could be the new thing ... sort of like horse racing...well so far...cranky is in the lead!!! ...But wait, who's this? It's the "quiet" one coming from the back...no it's cranky! No it's Quite! ... we will have to wait and see. I wonder who everyone would bet on seriously... maybe sometime this week I'll be bored enough and learn how to put up one of those fun polling thing a ma jigs. Anything to pass the 2 week wait time. Oh and by the way is anyone besides me just not in the mood for jingly happy christmas songs? Ugh.

Well it's annual physical day today. I haven't eaten anything since last night in order to test my cholesterol (which is normally high - but can't take anything for it right now since I'm TTC) and I feel pretty stable today whereas I feel I won't break down when I have to tell my family practitioner about the miscarriage. As long as she doesn't give me that sympathetic look I'm fine. So I have lots to go over with her so let's hope all goes well. And then next week is my big progesterone test, which I can't wait for! I've never been so happy about getting a blood test. Hopefully it will provide some useful results.

Finally a call back...

and let me tell you not a minute too soon. So last night I had what my husband calls a mini meltdown. After testing for ovulation once again last night and once again finding no sign, I just simply broke down. Not sure exactly what put me over the edge but I've been crying more in my car on the way to work and from, which is what happened a lot after the miscarriage. I think it was just a combination of my cycles slowly dwindling down to nothing (well slightly exaggerating here but I'm sure that's whats on the way), the doctor not getting back to me, not getting a positive ovulation sign and (the big elephant in the room) the fact that December, my original due date month, is literally right around the corner, has made the stress unbearable. All along my initial plan to get pregnant right away and be pregnant at the time of my original due date, so that mentally I have something to look forward to, just has not worked out thus far, and the possibility of reaching that date and not having any clue as to when or if I will be pregnant anytime soon just really gets depressing. Of course trying to explain this to my husband is like trying to explain the greatness of a perfectly cooked burger to a vegan sometimes. So alas I went for the good ol' breakdown and just started bawling.

I have to say my husband is just not too keen on what to say in these situations but he tried hard. We decided that I would look into acupuncture not only to help my lack of progress but as my husband says at least to give me the feeling that I'm doing something to help the problem.

So today I was going to look into that but it was a day from hell at work unfortunately ... but then the long awaited call came from my doctor at the end of the day. And her re-assuring voice cleared up all the anxiety from the night before. It was like a serious weight lifted from my heart.

To make a long story short she said that sometimes shorter cycles could mean that I was low on progesterone, which she thought was the original problem with the last pregnancy and told me before that I was to get progesterone the second I get a positive, but apparently I might need it sooner. Then the clincher that just made everything so much brighter was the comment after. She basically warned though that women who use progesterone tend to have a higher tendency towards twins. TWINS???? The chance of just having 1 child 24 hours ago seemed impossible and now she's giving me the option of twins???!!!! I'LL TAKE IT! I have to admit here that ever since I was a small child my dream was to have twins...girl twins specifically but twins none the less. I have to say that although reality has set in and the knowledge of how much work and money twins actually need, the dream is certainly still there.

So although of course there is no guarantee that I'll have twins or that I'll even get pregnant but I really feel just by talking to her on that call for a few brief seconds that my situation seemed to matter to her and that just like usually she had a plan and was in control, especially with a situation that I have felt so out of control with.

So 11/21 I'm supposed to go in to take the blood test to see what my progesterone levels are. Let's see where this takes us! Crossing everything!

Happiness is just a sprinkle away...

Ha! that's what my splenda packet said this morning. If only it were true. So I'm at CD 11 today no sign of the surge. I'm totally confused now because if my cycle is going to be 25 days like what it was this last time my ovulation tests should be positive now and they are not showing anything. So I'm hoping that everything is going back to normal and I'll be a nice normal count of 28 this cycle with a day 14 of ovulation. One can hope right?

Last night I dreamt all night of a vacation trip to Hawaii (Maui to be exact) even though I have no plans of going anytime soon because who can plan a trip when you can't even plan when you're going to friggen ovulate. It was really weird though because on my trip I actually had a 1 year old with me...well maybe a little younger...like 9 months. It was a girl and she was awfully cute. We were staying at the Four Seasons, because I vowed last time I was there for my honeymoon that I would stay there longer than 2 nights next time and hell if you're dreaming I guess why not pick the best. Of course the weather was beautiful and I even dreamt of holding her on my lap on the way there (hmmm do you need to buy plane tickets for babies that age?) And she was very good...she was already eating a little bit of soft foods (would that be about 9-10months? lord knows I haven't a clue since I can't even reach the pregnancy stage yet) and we would strap her down in the car seat in our rented convertible with her cute overly large sunglasses and sun hat...We even took her to a luau and I was feeding her some type of mashed sweet potato stuff or something. She seemed to love the action going on the stage but then fell asleep when it got a little later. So vivid, it was really strange. I'm sure it's just my mind and it's delusional dreams but what a lovely one it was. Maybe if I continue thinking positive thoughts like this something positive is bound to happen. Aloha.

TGIF!

Okay all I can say is thank god it's friday. This week seemed to drag on forever. Tomorrow morning I'm going over to visit my friend at her new pad by the beach...can't wait! We plan on doing a little brunch, with some mimosas hopefully (since after all I'm not even near ovulating yet according to the evil pee stick) and then a bit of shopping. Whoo hoo. Nothing like alcohol and spending money to get your mind off the obvious. Then I need to speed over to my hair appt. at 3:15p to get my bi-monthly (give or take) sneak at trying to get some color in before I try my hand at another cycle and can't color for the rest of the 1st trimester...which of course seems ridiculous at this point...but okay I'll play the game.

Oh where are the days where ovulating did not plan my life. My wine drinking, peeing, vacationing, hair tinting and who knows what else bows to the egg. Nothing happens unless the egg says it can. That's that. Thus my new ticker. Pretty spiffy eh? Thought I would choose something a little springy...although the cross bones and scull were quite tempting.

Then Sunday I'm on to a whole day with the hubster and maybe some lunch with the in-laws...who I love (I know weird huh?) Oh yeah and the egg says I've got to do my house painting this weekend. So therefore I will...

And the trek continues...

...that is into baby making. Sigh. Oh how I wish I were still in the naive baby making stage. Not really worrying about the exact day of ovulation...just go go go you know. Sigh. Anyways this week is ovulation week. Hmmm. I'm trying to feel more positive, but it's awfully difficult. And I have to admit I've been pondering taking a month off of this whole mess but I guess it's far too early for that I suppose. Only month 4 hmmm, how many months of torture do I have to go thru to get pardoned a month off I wonder. Probably at least 6.

Oh and by the way, no phone call from the doctor yet. If I don't here from her by tomorrow I'm hunting her down. I mean times a wasting here.

Okay I'm going to log off now...this post is borning even me so much I can't handle it.

Temp this a.m. was 97.something

And Here We Are Again...Monday

I remember back when I was like 7 and thinking that time could not possibly move any slower. And then (like everyone else does) thinking back in my 20's that I couldn't even possibly make time stop from flying by!
I must be in the infertility black hole of time...the 2nd chance of having time stand still because that's how I feel these days. I guess I should be happy that I'm in my 30's ...prime of life and literally time is completely standing still. God I just remembered that this coming spring I will be 37. That's practically 40. Okay so now time did just fly. Is it possibly that the months are just dragging by but the years are flying? hmmmm.

Anyways, another monday another dollar I suppose. I spent a good portion of the morning in my office searching for the perfect ring tone songs to attach to both my boss and my mother's numbers on my cell phone. Productive eh? I came up with 2 that I'm quite fond of. I settled on the looming darth vador song for my mother from Star Wars (which my husband found hysterical, when I played it for him at home)...you know Dum dum da dum da dum ...oh forget it...hopefully you know which one it is.

And the second one I thought was super appropriate for my Devil Wears Talbot boss (hopefully you get the picture) The wicked witch of the west song from Wizard of Oz. Gotta love that one. I figure this was pretty safe since she wouldn't ever be calling me and hearing the tone at the same time. Same with my mother, although I probably wouldn't care if she knew.

So this took me to about noon, and the rest is pretty much filler.
But I did skip over a very important task early this morning and that was to leave a message with my OB/GYN. I decided late last night, as it slowly dawned on me, as I sat and studied my charts, that my cycles are growing increasingly shorter. I've gone from 36 days right after my D&C, to 30 days, to 29 days to 28 days and this last one was 25 days. What the hell? Now grant it I of course have no idea what my cycles were before I started TTC because my life was full of well...life if you will and not tracking friggen mucus and menstruation and temping all the time, but that's besides the point. But I'm thinking I would have noticed if they were 25 friggen days. I mean I think I did ovulate around day 12...I THINK so that would have made an okay luteal phase right? (the fact that I even know what a friggen luteal phase scares me ... what a tangles web I've weaved) but if by chance I did ovulate later that would be cutting it obviously close.
So anyhow I decided in a moment of panic last night that I would call my doctor first thing this morning and all embarrassment aside would confess to her my dwindling cycles before my luteal phase is literally down the toilet. And let her decide whether to be concerned or not. Luckily I have such a great doctor's office. I mean even though she's incredibly busy they try to accommodate and not make you think like you're losing it. When I talked to the nurse today I started explaining to her matter of fact about all the different lengths and that I'm a little concerned (okay a lot) and that I'd like to know the doctor's take. She explained that she would pull my chart and the doctor may not call me today but possibly tomorrow. I was happy. Now let's see if I can get through talking to my doctor without crying tomorrow. One thing I do like about her is that she's all business. She doesn't put on this mothering sympathy attitude which just breaks me. Whenever I have someone feeling sorry for me that just makes me cry even more so I think it's a good thing that she's a tough cookie. Although I guess it's from all of her experience with infertility. Somehow I ended up by pure accident picking a doctor that specializes in infertility. What are the friggen chances I tell you. So I guess that's a good thing...I guess if that's what I need.
Anyways so we'll see what the good ol' doc thinks about my dwindling cycles.
Now, just in case, I'm carrying around print outs of my cycles in my purse. How sad...I used to carry around my outlook calendar printouts in case I was called for an interview when job searching...now I'm reduced to temp grids. God what will it be next.
Speaking of... I started Operation Grapefruit Juice this evening. I'm not sure how much to drink but I figure if I rotate it with my green tea it's got to help somewhat. If you're wondering what in God's name is she talking about it's my recent findings that some say grapefruit juice helps with the CM flow. I'm not sure if I'm having issues with a cm flow but I figured can't hurt just in case.
So I'm all set for cycle 4. I've got my ovulation wands, my grapefruit juice, my decaf green tea (because green tea is good for fertility but caffeine is not), my temp charts and my prenatals. Oh yes and the official sponsor of this cycle #4 - Pre.seed...I think the only thing I'm missing is a partridge in a pear tree. I'll need to research that before we include it in our batch of tools.

Easy as Pie...

So I just got finished reading another blogger's journal on Live.journal and I just can't fathom how simply easy it is for some. I mean don't get me wrong. I wish her the best and am so happy that her pregnancy is going well. But I just can't fathom how simple things can go for people.



For example her main challenge was getting her husband to agree to start TTC. And so when she finally accomplished that it seemed that she simply starting charting and then walla!!!! She's pregnant! Oh yay! I mean, yes, yay...I'm happy for her and all but geeeeeeez why is there no yay for me? I mean I know that I someday will probably have a positive again. I mean I'm trying to stay positive of thinking that a positive is right around the corner. But some days it's just so hard. Today she posted her first ultra sound pics...11 weeks. And she gets a pic of what looks like a real baby. Simple as pie. Step 1: chart. Step 2: TTC. Step 3: BFP. Step 4: Wait 11 weeks. Step 5: ultra sound of a real baby. Simple as Pie. I swear I'm trying to follow the 5 step program...But where's my pie???? I'm even using the fancy pie making tools. Like charting and ovulation tests and tea and whatever else it takes. I should have a super duper deluxe pie right? *sigh* I've never been very good at baking, I suppose that might be the problem.

Oh well, here's to pie for thanksgiving...hopefully.

And Do a hear a Month 3 a Bust!...

...Why yes I do! So like 5 minutes literally after I finished my post on Thursday did AF arrive. LITERALLY. I closed my laptop and got up to clean the kitchen...had some major cramps and there you have it. Month 3...gone.

Oh well it was a nice thought while it lasted I suppose. Now at least I know I can get my hair colored next weekend without fear. And I can partake in my usual sushi raw fish feast that happens everytime AF arrives along with some alcohol thrown in there for fun. Which of course makes no sense with my other goal of losing 10 pounds for every month that passes. I think I lost about 3-4 pounds with the last cycle...although I probably just gained it all back plus more with the Red Lobster lunch I just had. *Sigh*

So as usual here are my goals for Cycle 4:

1. Lose 10 pounds
2. Cardio at least 15 minutes per day for 5 days a week. Hmmm wonder if I do 45 minutes one day if I can count that as 3 days. I think so!
3. Pre-seed will be the official sponsor of Cycle #4 I've decided. I figure hey if what you're doing isn't working try something new.
4. Paint the house inside.
5. Continue to temp.

Down but definitely not out...

Torn... at 14 DPO

So I know I said that I would test again on Friday, which is tomorrow and 15 Dpo (that is given that I actually ovulated on day 12). But my body today has been giving into my fears and I just don't know now. Today I woke up to a drop in temp to 98.0

Still in the 98 area but baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarely hanging on. I do everything very cautiously in life so I'm sure my body works by the same standards and just plans to cautiously dip down each day until AF arrives when it's all the way down the chart. Or so I'm thinking.

All day long I really didn't feel much...although I'm still getting the nauseous feeling after I eat...every single time. What is up with that? I seem to always have nausea and cramping after I eat. But no other symptoms. Maybe peeing a little more than I think I usually do but I'll just chalk that up to wanting to making sure AF hasn't arrived (which it's not supposed to until Sunday really).

So anyways now fear has overcome me and I can't get myself to take a hpt. Why is it so easy when it's early but as I grow closer I'd just rather get the bad news from AF I think than a very impersonal pee stick that says "NOT PREGNANT". I didn't even bother to pick up any today at the store so I literally I have no way to test tomorrow morning. The whole reasoning that made so much sense just days ago about the progesterone and my doctor seems completely unrealistic today. I feel i'm nose diving into negativity...

Where's my damn "Secret" dvd...