Or at least it seems that's how many I've been through.
I was thinking yesterday that if I had to remember back to last year. The year I was 36, you couldn't pay me to come up with anything that happened except for Pregnancy, D&C, Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Miscarriage. That's it. That's all I did? I don't remember a thing else about that year. And this year so far has been the same. Sigh.
Dear God,
Can I please have my life back?
I know, I know....I suppose this IS part of my life. One of those speed bumps or if you will pot holes in the road.
I guess a good start is that I planned my summer vacation finally. Although it was no where new and was carefully planned to not fly anywhere (I think it's safe to say that I would be a high risk pregnancy at this point - when I do become pregnant, or at least for the first trimester and should not fly). Anyhow, my point was that I made the arrangements, picked a week in September and booked it at our favorite mountain resort. It was only briefly that I thought about what I would do if that week falls within the time period where I should be going in for another round of injections, ultra sounds and blood tests. To which I decided. Screw it. I deserve to take the month off. And so...if I don't fall successfully pregnant before then, that is the plan.
Today...8DPO.
Ironically my test date that the doctor gave me? Next Wednesday. The day of our 3rd anniversary. I hope it's a good one.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
It's ON...CD 11
Wow. If I had a dollar for every time I've said that.
I might be able to pay down some of my fertility debt.
Anyhow I had a total of 7 follistim injections at 150 iu for the last 7 nights. Topped with the trigger shot last night at 10p. It wasn't bad at all. Something about "trigger" just makes me think of a hella big needle, but it was quite small and actually less painful (if I would even use that word) than the follistim injections (which I consider even less painful than taking blood because I have hard to find veins) Thus, it was not bad at all. But of course still had mr. sushinut do it because alas I have a needle phobia.
My ultrasound yesterday with mr. backup (who I have come to think I like just as much as mr. frozen embryo) was quite positive. He said my lining was superb (well thank you I try) and that my last blood test showed that my estrogen levels were exactly where they should be. Well that sounds promising but we all know how this goes. He advised me to trigger last night at ten and then went on about the number and timing of intercourse. I had to take notes. Seriously these things are just numbers floating around in my head at this point and I can't keep anything straight. My follicles were definitely bigger. And I was told that I have 1 great one on the right and 2 on the left...or was it vice versa? He also noted the two fibroids that I have and once again I asked if this could be the problem. He said no, and agreed with dr. frozen embryo that they are not in the implantation area so no harm is done by them.
He suspects that I will ovulate in 2-3 days from Monday. My CBFM gave me a peak this morning so I suspect probably sometime tomorrow. I am to wait until Friday to start taking my progesterone and medr*l again (this time the progesterone vaginally ... ugh). Which would be about 3 days after ovulation. Now if I can just get mr. sushinut to have enough stamina for this week (it's a tough work week for him) I'll be in the clear. Let's hope all this hoopla coaxes my eggs to work for me after all. All I need is just one sticky egg.
I might be able to pay down some of my fertility debt.
Anyhow I had a total of 7 follistim injections at 150 iu for the last 7 nights. Topped with the trigger shot last night at 10p. It wasn't bad at all. Something about "trigger" just makes me think of a hella big needle, but it was quite small and actually less painful (if I would even use that word) than the follistim injections (which I consider even less painful than taking blood because I have hard to find veins) Thus, it was not bad at all. But of course still had mr. sushinut do it because alas I have a needle phobia.
My ultrasound yesterday with mr. backup (who I have come to think I like just as much as mr. frozen embryo) was quite positive. He said my lining was superb (well thank you I try) and that my last blood test showed that my estrogen levels were exactly where they should be. Well that sounds promising but we all know how this goes. He advised me to trigger last night at ten and then went on about the number and timing of intercourse. I had to take notes. Seriously these things are just numbers floating around in my head at this point and I can't keep anything straight. My follicles were definitely bigger. And I was told that I have 1 great one on the right and 2 on the left...or was it vice versa? He also noted the two fibroids that I have and once again I asked if this could be the problem. He said no, and agreed with dr. frozen embryo that they are not in the implantation area so no harm is done by them.
He suspects that I will ovulate in 2-3 days from Monday. My CBFM gave me a peak this morning so I suspect probably sometime tomorrow. I am to wait until Friday to start taking my progesterone and medr*l again (this time the progesterone vaginally ... ugh). Which would be about 3 days after ovulation. Now if I can just get mr. sushinut to have enough stamina for this week (it's a tough work week for him) I'll be in the clear. Let's hope all this hoopla coaxes my eggs to work for me after all. All I need is just one sticky egg.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Whooooooah Nelly...Why such the rush?
So, my ovaries are officially being rushed along. I've been injecting and stimulating all week long and finally went in for my ultrasound today. Unfortunately Dr. Frozen Embryo was in surgery all day long so I had to get Dr. younger back up frozen embryo. He said my largest follicle was about 13 (13 what? not sure how you measure those pups) and that I had a few on both sides but he wanted for me to continue injecting through the weekend. Said they weren't large enough. Damn it...I told those ovaries to haul butt but apparently they slacked off a bit. So off to spend another almost $500 for more medication. Not to mention more blood and the ultra sound. If these things don't kick in this weekend I'm going to be seriously p.o'd. The plan this cycle is to go back in on Monday yet again (sigh) and see where we are at then. If all is good, I get a trigger on monday and then it's husband hunting season for me throughout the week. I've already forewarned mr. sushinut. For whatever reason dr. frozen embryo is still convinced we don't need the IUI or IVF and for the sake of my pocket book I'm not arguing. So we'll see where trying on our own with the assistance of the meds gets us.
Then later this evening I sat down and did the math and saw that it's only friggen CD 7 today. Meaning he expects to do the trigger on CD10 and I o'ing on CD 12 about. What's the big rush!!!! Geeez! I naturally don't ovulate until at least cycle day 16, sometimes 14 on a good month. Why such the hurry!???? Of course my follies aren't ready for crying out loud! But i guess they know what they are doing. Well the sooner we get to the two week wait the sooner we find out if all this hoopla is working. So I guess things are not so bad. Crossing my fingers that all these drugs do the trick. I've become a professional preparer of my injections, while mr. sushinut does the actual injection (just can't bring myself to do that). So I guess everyone was right, you pretty much get used to it.
Until then I'm hauling in the fertilitea (yup still drinking that...even though it's like friggen 100 out), full fat yogurt (I think someone had a question about this - full fat yogurt or any dairy product full fat is supposed to enhance fertility...or so I've read here), and staying away from caffeine. Here's to a greeeeaaaaaaat weekend.
Then later this evening I sat down and did the math and saw that it's only friggen CD 7 today. Meaning he expects to do the trigger on CD10 and I o'ing on CD 12 about. What's the big rush!!!! Geeez! I naturally don't ovulate until at least cycle day 16, sometimes 14 on a good month. Why such the hurry!???? Of course my follies aren't ready for crying out loud! But i guess they know what they are doing. Well the sooner we get to the two week wait the sooner we find out if all this hoopla is working. So I guess things are not so bad. Crossing my fingers that all these drugs do the trick. I've become a professional preparer of my injections, while mr. sushinut does the actual injection (just can't bring myself to do that). So I guess everyone was right, you pretty much get used to it.
Until then I'm hauling in the fertilitea (yup still drinking that...even though it's like friggen 100 out), full fat yogurt (I think someone had a question about this - full fat yogurt or any dairy product full fat is supposed to enhance fertility...or so I've read here), and staying away from caffeine. Here's to a greeeeaaaaaaat weekend.
Monday, July 14, 2008
You Want Me To What??????
Uh...so much for not doing injectables...on my own that is. What my Dr.'s office meant by "come in for an injection" was really, let us take an ultra sound, give you an injectable class and send you off with $400 worth of needles to inject yourself with this week.
Again...how did I get here?
Naively, I headed, rather chipper, in to my RE's office this morning, thinking that I'd get a nice big fat shot and wait to try again. WRONG. What I really found out shortly after arriving was that the plan was actually to start me on F*llistim injectables tonight. I went in, was given an ultrasound by Dr. Frozen Embryo who kindly told me that both ovaries looked "perfect" (um thanks...I think) and explained in a nut shell that although I'm obviously fertile, fertile isn't what counts here...bringing a live baby home is what counts. Well I'm glad we are on the same page with that one. He was very sensitive in acknowledging that it was basically another miscarriage. Which I very much appreciate, rather than my GP who with the second miscarriage was baffled by my falling betas and was basically like, "umm well you're not pregnant, but you're not not pregnant...we need more blood tests to figure this one out." By the way more to come on this storyline later.
A half hour later I was in a room with the nurse with her going through my injectables training and me just nodding my head and responding in a vague uh huh, uh huh, stupor.
Again...how did I get here?
An hour later I had my meds and needles in a neat little pharmacy bag with an ice pack to keep things cool and $400 ($700 if you count the ultra sound and blood work taken back at mr. frozen embryo's) less in my pocket.
I raced back to my office and shoved the packages below my pasta salad in my personal fridge that I have behind my desk, and secretly thanked God that I had the smarts enough a few months back to purchase the personal fridge - can you imagine having to store that stuff in the shared office kitchen fridge?
So tonight was my first injection. I read the entire instruction manual cover to cover plus the cheat sheets the nurse gave me along with making mr. sushinut read the entire manual. It comes with this pen like devise that you load everything in and push a simple button to inject (sort of like training wheels for the beginner infertile) but I wanted to be sure that we did everything right.
Mr. Sushinut will continue to give me the injections (because I'm a big fat wimp) for the rest of the week until Friday when I need to go in again for another ultra sound to see how those eggs are coming along. I was prescribed 150 iu's to start off with so that nothing crazy happens. Well except maybe conception that is.
So here I am...zero to 60 in just a matter of a day.
I'm sure I'm going to wake up tomorrow and think it's all a dream.
Oh and on the GP end you might recall last January when I went in to my GP to have my annual physical and she insisted on taking a beta when I told her I just found out I was pregnant. Again, that was January. Flash forward 7 months and I just receive in the mail this weekend a letter stating that she is referring me to some random person in a city hours away from me with a diagnosis of PCOS. ????? To my great confusion of course considering the woman barely took a look at my body in general for the whole physical and will not under any circumstances look under the hood if you know what I mean. So I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion except that maybe she's using that diagnosis to get me in with the covered fertility insurance coverage. Which I believe is very limited anyhow. I was going to call today to find out what that note was all about and why in the world did it show up 7 months later (can you imagine if I had gotten pregnant right after and would almost be full term right now with a pregnancy? That would be a serious hoot), except that I got all caught up in this mini injectables cycle and lost every train of thought I had this morning. Although I'm sure I'll still be left to my on devices on coverage I plan to follow up tomorrow. More to come on this.
Again...how did I get here?
Naively, I headed, rather chipper, in to my RE's office this morning, thinking that I'd get a nice big fat shot and wait to try again. WRONG. What I really found out shortly after arriving was that the plan was actually to start me on F*llistim injectables tonight. I went in, was given an ultrasound by Dr. Frozen Embryo who kindly told me that both ovaries looked "perfect" (um thanks...I think) and explained in a nut shell that although I'm obviously fertile, fertile isn't what counts here...bringing a live baby home is what counts. Well I'm glad we are on the same page with that one. He was very sensitive in acknowledging that it was basically another miscarriage. Which I very much appreciate, rather than my GP who with the second miscarriage was baffled by my falling betas and was basically like, "umm well you're not pregnant, but you're not not pregnant...we need more blood tests to figure this one out." By the way more to come on this storyline later.
A half hour later I was in a room with the nurse with her going through my injectables training and me just nodding my head and responding in a vague uh huh, uh huh, stupor.
Again...how did I get here?
An hour later I had my meds and needles in a neat little pharmacy bag with an ice pack to keep things cool and $400 ($700 if you count the ultra sound and blood work taken back at mr. frozen embryo's) less in my pocket.
I raced back to my office and shoved the packages below my pasta salad in my personal fridge that I have behind my desk, and secretly thanked God that I had the smarts enough a few months back to purchase the personal fridge - can you imagine having to store that stuff in the shared office kitchen fridge?
So tonight was my first injection. I read the entire instruction manual cover to cover plus the cheat sheets the nurse gave me along with making mr. sushinut read the entire manual. It comes with this pen like devise that you load everything in and push a simple button to inject (sort of like training wheels for the beginner infertile) but I wanted to be sure that we did everything right.
Mr. Sushinut will continue to give me the injections (because I'm a big fat wimp) for the rest of the week until Friday when I need to go in again for another ultra sound to see how those eggs are coming along. I was prescribed 150 iu's to start off with so that nothing crazy happens. Well except maybe conception that is.
So here I am...zero to 60 in just a matter of a day.
I'm sure I'm going to wake up tomorrow and think it's all a dream.
Oh and on the GP end you might recall last January when I went in to my GP to have my annual physical and she insisted on taking a beta when I told her I just found out I was pregnant. Again, that was January. Flash forward 7 months and I just receive in the mail this weekend a letter stating that she is referring me to some random person in a city hours away from me with a diagnosis of PCOS. ????? To my great confusion of course considering the woman barely took a look at my body in general for the whole physical and will not under any circumstances look under the hood if you know what I mean. So I'm not sure how she came to that conclusion except that maybe she's using that diagnosis to get me in with the covered fertility insurance coverage. Which I believe is very limited anyhow. I was going to call today to find out what that note was all about and why in the world did it show up 7 months later (can you imagine if I had gotten pregnant right after and would almost be full term right now with a pregnancy? That would be a serious hoot), except that I got all caught up in this mini injectables cycle and lost every train of thought I had this morning. Although I'm sure I'll still be left to my on devices on coverage I plan to follow up tomorrow. More to come on this.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
2nd Beta Results
Beta #2: 18
Beta #1: 25
Looks like #4 just didn't make it. They called yesterday afternoon and I just didn't have the heart to post last night. Mr. Sushinut and I weren't surprised, although I secretly hoped that I was one of those mystery low beta normal pregnancies. But no such luck. I was really down yesterday before the beta came in but am better today after speaking with my RE's office.
They knew I wanted to pursue IUI if this didn't work out. I discussed it as they were taking beta #2, as I fought back the tears. But when she called back with the numbers she said that Dr. frozen embryo doesn't recommend to go there quite yet. As she reminded me my problem isn't getting pregnant but staying pregnant. And that 2 out of the 3 months I tried on my own, I got pregnant twice, which are quite good odds. Now that I think of it they are right...(way to spin it to the positive for a repeat miscarrier, I have to give them credit, they're damn good at this).
He wants to try some hormone injections on me on Cycle Day 2 or 3 of this next cycle. And hopefully this will do the trick. I'm just happy that I get to go in for these injections and I don't have to do them myself at home. Since I was at work I didn't have the chance to find out exactly what they were going to inject but maybe estrogen? I'll have to do some research with dr. google.
Although this wasn't the best outcome I feel a little better about hope for the future. And so we are on to the next phase...and this weekend I'll be doing my usual "after losing a pregnancy" routine of: cleaning the house top to bottom, having a little caffeine, going to the gym...and of course last but not least, having some sushi...
Thanks again everyone for your kind posts and good wishes. You guys are the best!
Over...but not out.
Beta #1: 25
Looks like #4 just didn't make it. They called yesterday afternoon and I just didn't have the heart to post last night. Mr. Sushinut and I weren't surprised, although I secretly hoped that I was one of those mystery low beta normal pregnancies. But no such luck. I was really down yesterday before the beta came in but am better today after speaking with my RE's office.
They knew I wanted to pursue IUI if this didn't work out. I discussed it as they were taking beta #2, as I fought back the tears. But when she called back with the numbers she said that Dr. frozen embryo doesn't recommend to go there quite yet. As she reminded me my problem isn't getting pregnant but staying pregnant. And that 2 out of the 3 months I tried on my own, I got pregnant twice, which are quite good odds. Now that I think of it they are right...(way to spin it to the positive for a repeat miscarrier, I have to give them credit, they're damn good at this).
He wants to try some hormone injections on me on Cycle Day 2 or 3 of this next cycle. And hopefully this will do the trick. I'm just happy that I get to go in for these injections and I don't have to do them myself at home. Since I was at work I didn't have the chance to find out exactly what they were going to inject but maybe estrogen? I'll have to do some research with dr. google.
Although this wasn't the best outcome I feel a little better about hope for the future. And so we are on to the next phase...and this weekend I'll be doing my usual "after losing a pregnancy" routine of: cleaning the house top to bottom, having a little caffeine, going to the gym...and of course last but not least, having some sushi...
Thanks again everyone for your kind posts and good wishes. You guys are the best!
Over...but not out.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Going in today for 2nd beta
Thank you truly for all your wonderful comments. It really brought tears to my eyes. I know so many of you know what I'm going through. I haven't gone in yet for the beta. I secretly plotted to go in on my lunch break instead of first thing in the a.m. so that there would be more time for doubling (pathetic huh?). But now I'm wondering if I still will get my results back by 4p like I do if I go in, in the a.m. Damn.
This is a test I took yesterday morning. I had hoped to see if the line was darker and didn't realize it was a digital until I peed on it. I thought it ironic though that it was proof that I needed to keep going for the day. I had a little hope yesterday, thinking about a woman online I read about that had a beta of 43 at 22dpo with twins(!). But this morning when I tried again on yet another hpt and received the same light line (possibly even less - but then again I'm not using the same brand as the first time) I just fell apart. It's a good think that I'm not going in this morning because it's wouldn't be pretty that's for sure.
If I count last month's debacle, this will be my 4th loss. How the hell did I get here? I remember hearing a woman on t.v. say how she had 7 miscarriages, and thinking holy crap woman don't you know when to give up? But the truth is that you keep on going and hoping and they can add up quickly. Sort of like credit card debt. The bottom line is that obviously I don't plan on stopping at this one and this could be me just months from now. Honestly I just don't know how IUI is going to help this issue.
I'll post again when I get the results...it was nice to be pregnant, even just for a day.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Can We Please Stop With the %$@&%$ Mind Games?
And so...
For those of you still following along (cuz lord knows I wouldn't if I had a choice)...
Here's where we stand as of today...Cycle Day 35, 17 DPO:
This morning...still no sign of AF...what in God's name is she doing?
So I take ANOTHER hpt... at 4a this morning (first morning's urine).
Faint Positive...very faint. So much that if I tried to take a picture it wouldn't come out.
Sound familiar? I think I just did this last friggen month.
So I immediately bolted for my progesterone, medrol and baby aspirin. The prenatals are basically a staple now...no matter what part of a cycle I'm on. But if you recall I've skipped a day or two of the other meds in hopes of enticing dear AF back...and each time she doesn't show, I go back to the meds, spinning my ute in a tizzy of confusion.
ANYHOW, I should really finish this story before everyone gets too excited...because you know this isn't going to end up pretty. We all know that.
So this time I decide I'm hauling butt to the RE's in the a.m. for a beta. Because I'm fed up with all this b.s. and I want to know if I'm really pregnant or not.
Today's beta ...25 ... no...not 250...not 2500...just 25.
17dpo
Progesterone: 12 (well at least something is working).
So my progesterone levels are good...
It's just my baby levels that are the issue.
Fabulous...so what's to blame now? Could just a couple of days of no meds really make it take a dive? How about some of the ice tea I've been consuming thinking that AF is coming...or the 2 diet c*kes that I drank on the 4th of July. Or the heavy box I lifted this week at work. Or the hill I climbed everyday on my vacation to get up and down to the beach each day. Sigh. Whatever... Let me be the first... Miscarriage...by diet c*ke. Why not...I've fallen under every other negative statistic.
Going in for Beta #2 Thursday.
For those of you still following along (cuz lord knows I wouldn't if I had a choice)...
Here's where we stand as of today...Cycle Day 35, 17 DPO:
This morning...still no sign of AF...what in God's name is she doing?
So I take ANOTHER hpt... at 4a this morning (first morning's urine).
Faint Positive...very faint. So much that if I tried to take a picture it wouldn't come out.
Sound familiar? I think I just did this last friggen month.
So I immediately bolted for my progesterone, medrol and baby aspirin. The prenatals are basically a staple now...no matter what part of a cycle I'm on. But if you recall I've skipped a day or two of the other meds in hopes of enticing dear AF back...and each time she doesn't show, I go back to the meds, spinning my ute in a tizzy of confusion.
ANYHOW, I should really finish this story before everyone gets too excited...because you know this isn't going to end up pretty. We all know that.
So this time I decide I'm hauling butt to the RE's in the a.m. for a beta. Because I'm fed up with all this b.s. and I want to know if I'm really pregnant or not.
Today's beta ...25 ... no...not 250...not 2500...just 25.
17dpo
Progesterone: 12 (well at least something is working).
So my progesterone levels are good...
It's just my baby levels that are the issue.
Fabulous...so what's to blame now? Could just a couple of days of no meds really make it take a dive? How about some of the ice tea I've been consuming thinking that AF is coming...or the 2 diet c*kes that I drank on the 4th of July. Or the heavy box I lifted this week at work. Or the hill I climbed everyday on my vacation to get up and down to the beach each day. Sigh. Whatever... Let me be the first... Miscarriage...by diet c*ke. Why not...I've fallen under every other negative statistic.
Going in for Beta #2 Thursday.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Update
You can probably imagine by the lack of a post what my test results have been...
1 at 12dpo and 1 at 14dpo...both BFN.
Still no signs of AF even after not taking Progesterone for a day. I'm confused now. Tomorrow will be 16 dpo... if still no AF I guess I'm going to need to call Dr. frozen embryo. Although by just writing this post maybe my ute will get the message.
Dr. Ute....
DO SOMETHING...ANYTHING.
1 at 12dpo and 1 at 14dpo...both BFN.
Still no signs of AF even after not taking Progesterone for a day. I'm confused now. Tomorrow will be 16 dpo... if still no AF I guess I'm going to need to call Dr. frozen embryo. Although by just writing this post maybe my ute will get the message.
Dr. Ute....
DO SOMETHING...ANYTHING.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Let's just make this short and sweet...
Still trying to get into the groove at work after going on a short vacation with mr. sushinut last weekend. Ahhhhh, it was so nice to be by the ocean...and I was so good about not thinking about my 2 week wait...much.
Tomorrow is 12dpo. I plan on testing. But not planning on getting a BFP. Why? Because I just know these things...I had absolutely no EWCM this time around and I never get pregnant without that stuff. God I have to go back to the full fat yogurt again don't I? Damn it. I wouldn't mind it so much if it didn't make me so fat(er). Doesn't my body know? I have enough fat already! I don't need to eat full fat yogurt!
By the way...don't try and talk me out of testing early. There's no way around it.
Tomorrow is 12dpo. I plan on testing. But not planning on getting a BFP. Why? Because I just know these things...I had absolutely no EWCM this time around and I never get pregnant without that stuff. God I have to go back to the full fat yogurt again don't I? Damn it. I wouldn't mind it so much if it didn't make me so fat(er). Doesn't my body know? I have enough fat already! I don't need to eat full fat yogurt!
By the way...don't try and talk me out of testing early. There's no way around it.
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