So not much has happened since my KY meltdown. Except that time has passed and yet another cycle is here. I used to be very excited about starting another cycle because it just meant either that I was closer to trying or that I would be able to try and that this very well may be the month. Well that quickly faded and now my pessimism is all that is left behind. At least last month I had the excuse that the KY was the reason for no pregnancy. But what if this time it isn't. I didn't even use "pre-seed" except for one time. Just in case. Ugh. The more I make my way through this time in my life the more I acknowledge that my thoughts on this will continue to be up and down (although primarily down) until I actually have delivered a fully intact healthy child. And until then it's going to be ugly.
One thing that has helped me feel a little better is an email I got from my friend out of state. She was actually the last one I needed to tell about the miscarriage and didn't yet. I just ran out of steam by the time I got to her and secretly hoped that she had forgotten that I told her I was pregnant. She started off by asking when I was due. Lovely. Just Lovely. I again decided to go with the unrelentless hard core truth technique and just told her...nope not due...not now...not anytime soon. She said she was truly sorry and told me that she also had a miscarriage before this child whom she just had a few months ago. I was truly surprised. Although I know deep down that I'm obviously not the only one...but to me I really feel like all the others are in blog land somewhere and that none are people I know. She told me how she tried for 9 months after and finally was in tears and exhausted and just took a month off and got pregnant then. Yeah we all know how often that happens...whatever. Although I do give her credit for waiting 9 months. I would have given up at 6.
So this last weekend was the big "when will the egg drop" time. Which really irritates me because my ovulation predictors weren't working as well as I'd like. A couple of times I got a slightly stronger line but not like in the picture. So we've basically been on surge watch night and day around here. I've come to the conclusion that my body is hiding the egg drop on purpose. There were a few days of complete fear that I wouldn't ovulate this month but then the line got a little darker so I decided in my delusional state that this would count and that I must be ovulating. Whatever. So here I wait...now the long haul during the post ovulation period. Please god please let this be the month.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Another Day Another Melt Down - Damn KY Jelly to Hell
So while everyone is off BBQing and boating and such this labor day weekend guess what I'm doing? Having yet another melt down about ... get this... Lubricant. Yes our friendly pal KY. That's right. This morning I woke up and had this uncontrolable desire to look up the effects of KY on sperm. It's weird how I just get this inner voice that tells me to research or check on certain things. It's like my inner conscience or if you believe in the after life, Silvia Brown's spirit guide. I've always felt mine was a guy named Ethan. Don't really know why though.
So anyways Ethan, or God...or my crazy paranoia whispers to me this morning, "shouldn't you look up what this warming gel has in it?". Of course there were 3 ingredients that I'd never heard of before. I looked up the first one and found out that it was equivalent to some type of antifreeze!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL? I'm trying to get pregnant with ANTIFREEZE?!!!! Well that friggen can't be good!
It was all down hill from there...reading report after report on google sites how although KY shouldn't be used for protection against getting pregnant and it's not a spermicide it definitely doesn't help fertility and basically makes the little spermettes imobile until they just flat out die. Nice...reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally nice. (insert Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer here) "ALL THINGS I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOWN ABOUT BEFOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!"
So after sobbing uncontrollably to my husband after my findings saying how I killed our unborn child with KY I finally picked myself up and did the only thing I could think of to get my mind off things. Going shopping. Later we went over to a BBQ at my inlaws and now I'm home.
I sort of have accepted that there's no way in hell that I'm probably pregnant now. I mean we used it like every single time. The poor things didn't have a chance. Not to mention starting last night my minor cramping and twinges had gone away and I didn't feel a thing anymore. I guess it's retarded but unless I actually feel something I feel that I'm not pregnant even though the first time I'm sure I didn't feel much either. Anyhow I'm feeling sort of sore and crampy now but I have a feeling it's just my ovaries shrinking from the friggen 112 degree heat we are having here over in California these days.
So I'm making a pros list about this to help me thru...so next week on 9/11 when my lovely AF is due...and she comes riding into town in all her glory and my lovely egg is literally flushed down the toilet and I'm ripe for another melt down I can look at this list and think that maybe this month wasn't the best month to get pregnant...And this is why:
1) I can drink at my brother's wedding. Hell that's got to be good for something. No explaining to people why I can't drink...no playing games. Hell the way I'm going I might say something like "Yes I'm not drinking not because I'm pregnant but because I'm in the delusional phase that I just might be only to find later that I am definitely not and am a loser, thank you for asking and leave me alone alcohol free in my delusional state will you?" Wow if I say this when I'm sober can you imagine what I might say if I'm drunk. This might be fun. Also the fact that I have a hotel room at the same hotel the wedding is at. All I have to do is basically crawl back to the room or a pool cabana (if they aren't all taken by the rest of the bridal party) and I'm set. It'll be like college again only with a husband this time.
2) I can get my hair tinted one last time. I actually did this at the end of July but that was a little too far from the actual ovulation date so I can do better this time so when I get (hopefully) to 12 weeks my hair doesn't look like complete crap. How did I know you aren't supposed to dye your hair in the first trimester but didn't know about the damn deadly KY?
3) I don't have to worry myself about overdoing it with the planning of this wedding. Since I'm in charge of all the planning and coordinating it could be a very tiring and draining day for me. In my alternative universe as a pregnant woman I picture myself the day after conceiving sitting comfortably with my feet up in my girly favorite chair in my living room, sipping caffeine free ice tea and not allowing myself to put one ounce of stress on my body and staying that way for a full 9 months until I have to physically get up and walk to the door to be transported to the hospital for labor. Hey this is my delusional pregnancy and that's how I see it!
4) I can have some of the yummy sushi I helped pick for the appetizers for the wedding. Sushi is per say my weakness most definitely. And although for most people this wouldn't qualify as a pro but for me it's almost as important as air. I don't know how I did it but I got an OB that says that sushi is fine as long as I only have it once a week to limit any mercury going into my body. Of course every where you read it isn't and that it's practically deadly to the fetus if a pregnant woman even touches one piece of Maguro tuna to her lips. Hmmmm wish she would have said the same thing to me about FRIGGEN KY JELLY!
5) Conceiving a baby in Sept. will make it a June baby and therefore theoretically I would be taking June, July, and August off for maternity leave which would be nice because then I could go somewhere like Hawaii with our baby for our anniversary in Aug.. Do people take their babies of 2 months on vacation? (By the way in my pregnant woman alternative universe, I picture my husband and I jetsetting off to Hawaii with our beautiful new born, being upgraded to first class free of charge because we have a newborn, and then arriving at our beautiful Four Seasons Maui hotel which we would then be upgraded to a fully baby proofed suite.) Oh well even if we have to drive someplace it would be fine for me...It would be downright depressing to have to go back to work exactly a month prior to my anniversary but then again it's pretty depressing having to wait a whole extra month to get pregnant because you think you killed your chances with KY jelly. I'm sorry that's getting old right?
So there you have it...my top 5 reasons why getting pregnant next month is better than this month. Does it work for me? Do I really believe these? No. But am I going to have to buy it...yes...and so off I go to invest in some special "seed" lubricant that is "sperm safe" whatever the hell that means. Better luck next time. I'm calling this one a wrap. Friggen Damn Ky jelly.
So anyways Ethan, or God...or my crazy paranoia whispers to me this morning, "shouldn't you look up what this warming gel has in it?". Of course there were 3 ingredients that I'd never heard of before. I looked up the first one and found out that it was equivalent to some type of antifreeze!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL? I'm trying to get pregnant with ANTIFREEZE?!!!! Well that friggen can't be good!
It was all down hill from there...reading report after report on google sites how although KY shouldn't be used for protection against getting pregnant and it's not a spermicide it definitely doesn't help fertility and basically makes the little spermettes imobile until they just flat out die. Nice...reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally nice. (insert Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer here) "ALL THINGS I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOWN ABOUT BEFOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!"
So after sobbing uncontrollably to my husband after my findings saying how I killed our unborn child with KY I finally picked myself up and did the only thing I could think of to get my mind off things. Going shopping. Later we went over to a BBQ at my inlaws and now I'm home.
I sort of have accepted that there's no way in hell that I'm probably pregnant now. I mean we used it like every single time. The poor things didn't have a chance. Not to mention starting last night my minor cramping and twinges had gone away and I didn't feel a thing anymore. I guess it's retarded but unless I actually feel something I feel that I'm not pregnant even though the first time I'm sure I didn't feel much either. Anyhow I'm feeling sort of sore and crampy now but I have a feeling it's just my ovaries shrinking from the friggen 112 degree heat we are having here over in California these days.
So I'm making a pros list about this to help me thru...so next week on 9/11 when my lovely AF is due...and she comes riding into town in all her glory and my lovely egg is literally flushed down the toilet and I'm ripe for another melt down I can look at this list and think that maybe this month wasn't the best month to get pregnant...And this is why:
1) I can drink at my brother's wedding. Hell that's got to be good for something. No explaining to people why I can't drink...no playing games. Hell the way I'm going I might say something like "Yes I'm not drinking not because I'm pregnant but because I'm in the delusional phase that I just might be only to find later that I am definitely not and am a loser, thank you for asking and leave me alone alcohol free in my delusional state will you?" Wow if I say this when I'm sober can you imagine what I might say if I'm drunk. This might be fun. Also the fact that I have a hotel room at the same hotel the wedding is at. All I have to do is basically crawl back to the room or a pool cabana (if they aren't all taken by the rest of the bridal party) and I'm set. It'll be like college again only with a husband this time.
2) I can get my hair tinted one last time. I actually did this at the end of July but that was a little too far from the actual ovulation date so I can do better this time so when I get (hopefully) to 12 weeks my hair doesn't look like complete crap. How did I know you aren't supposed to dye your hair in the first trimester but didn't know about the damn deadly KY?
3) I don't have to worry myself about overdoing it with the planning of this wedding. Since I'm in charge of all the planning and coordinating it could be a very tiring and draining day for me. In my alternative universe as a pregnant woman I picture myself the day after conceiving sitting comfortably with my feet up in my girly favorite chair in my living room, sipping caffeine free ice tea and not allowing myself to put one ounce of stress on my body and staying that way for a full 9 months until I have to physically get up and walk to the door to be transported to the hospital for labor. Hey this is my delusional pregnancy and that's how I see it!
4) I can have some of the yummy sushi I helped pick for the appetizers for the wedding. Sushi is per say my weakness most definitely. And although for most people this wouldn't qualify as a pro but for me it's almost as important as air. I don't know how I did it but I got an OB that says that sushi is fine as long as I only have it once a week to limit any mercury going into my body. Of course every where you read it isn't and that it's practically deadly to the fetus if a pregnant woman even touches one piece of Maguro tuna to her lips. Hmmmm wish she would have said the same thing to me about FRIGGEN KY JELLY!
5) Conceiving a baby in Sept. will make it a June baby and therefore theoretically I would be taking June, July, and August off for maternity leave which would be nice because then I could go somewhere like Hawaii with our baby for our anniversary in Aug.. Do people take their babies of 2 months on vacation? (By the way in my pregnant woman alternative universe, I picture my husband and I jetsetting off to Hawaii with our beautiful new born, being upgraded to first class free of charge because we have a newborn, and then arriving at our beautiful Four Seasons Maui hotel which we would then be upgraded to a fully baby proofed suite.) Oh well even if we have to drive someplace it would be fine for me...It would be downright depressing to have to go back to work exactly a month prior to my anniversary but then again it's pretty depressing having to wait a whole extra month to get pregnant because you think you killed your chances with KY jelly. I'm sorry that's getting old right?
So there you have it...my top 5 reasons why getting pregnant next month is better than this month. Does it work for me? Do I really believe these? No. But am I going to have to buy it...yes...and so off I go to invest in some special "seed" lubricant that is "sperm safe" whatever the hell that means. Better luck next time. I'm calling this one a wrap. Friggen Damn Ky jelly.
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