Party On...The Egg has landed

By all means this is no CD20 but yes folks it seems the second I hit that party and put my lips to my first vodka tonic was the second I think I ovulated. Who says alcohol hinders ovulation. My ass it does.

I really think that it was thanks to the alcohol, that I finally had the chance to breath a sigh of relief from the stressful work week, and shoot that egg out. And I say "shoot"...because I went from low one day on my CBEFM, to Egg day this morning. I could complain about not having my usual "High" warning...but hell I'm just happy with what I got. And...not to mention...not at a better time, since mr. sushinut and I had some just in case-sex on demand last night. I'm sure my uterus was nothing less than a hostile environment, because I was soo not in the mood (or at least it seemed my ovaries weren't, for having to spew out that egg at a moments notice) but hey, at least I can say I tried.

The party was lovely, I had even more fun than I usually do at work like functions like this and my vodka tonic was lovely too...and Newt, just for you...I had a lovely glass of white wine to finish up the night. :) YUM, If I do say myself.

Thanks to all you gals who assured me this late ovulation will not affect my luteal phase (charts and all!). I feel like such a fool now for freaking out about not ovulating when I'm only about 3 days late. But that's just my way. It wouldn't be me if I wouldn't jump to outlandish drastic conclusions at any given time. Sigh. Oh well, here's to a somewhat "pickled" egg this cycle...

CD 16...

Still no eggy...

Thanks for the far out stories on ovulation days past the CD20's....I've never had a really long cycle either (probably longest was 30...or 35 if you're counting after a D&C) so I had figured that if I did ovulate late it would screw with the luteal phase and I'd have nothing but a BFN to look forward to...but maybe weirder things have happened...

Tick, tick, tick...

On the upside, (so sad that this is my upside these days) I'm going to a work party tonight and apparently I can drink...which I look forward to after the week I've been having...

Got Eggs?

Well apparently I don't this month....
CD 15 and I'm still low on my CBEFM. What the %$#@&! I am officially late with my ovulation and I'm in complete fear that it's not coming. Nice! My last month trying and I don't even friggen get a chance! In all the months I've been going through this pregnancy/baby losing adventure I've never not ovulated ( I know for those who do not regularly, you're saying boo hoo for you...trust me it ain't all roses over in the ovulating world either) except the month after each pregnancy loss. So either A) My body IS really scared of getting pregnant and has just completely put a halt on this whole baby thing. B) I really was pregnant and lost it last month and therefore won't be ovulating this month or C) I've just smack run out of eggs! God I hope it's not C!

Anyhow I've had very little if any ovulation pains and hardly any other symptoms of ovulation I usually get. Which is only causing me to stress more. Not to mention work has been super stressful this month.

But enough of that for now, I did want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments on IUI success (hell I'll take real life successes over blogs anyday! Eeither one works in my book.) I'm pretty sure I'm sold at this point on IUI (especially with the outcome this month) but look forward to following the links to some of the new bloggers who left stories. Thanks again to everyone who stepped in and said "hell yeah I know someone / or am someone". That's what I really needed to hear.

Now I just need to make sure my doc is good with IUI rather than IVF. He seems a little gung ho on this baby making thing.

And here we go again...CD11 ...and in search of IUI

So after my rant last post about how nothing ever works in my favor yet I just want the easy way out I think I'm long over due for a post to repair things.

Sometimes I read back on my posts and think...God I'm so annoying. And I thank all of those who a) did reply so politely or b) didn't reply and tell me to shut the hell up.

After I wrote the last post I did some research and did find that IUI isn't half as expensive as IVF and that it is quite do-able. Nor is it as high maintenance or invasive. Which did make me feel better. But I think someone hit it on the head that really what I'm probably in denial of is the fact that going through IVF or IUI for that matter takes a real emotional toll on a person and as much as we plan...(as I sit here an drink 8 oz. of grapefruit juice) or beg or plead for that matter, the bottom line is, just because you forked over hundreds of dollars and/or did everything right it may or may not happen. So why bother worrying over it? Well you know as well as I do, that's just not an option. There's no talking an infertile out of not thinking about her infertility. No matter what the problem is.

And so that brings me to my other biggest fear, which is am I just wasting my time with IUI? IUI sounds like the perfect low cost, achievable option. But...does it work? All I ever read is about success with IVF. I see it in people's history lists...so much that for a long time I thought IUI was just some hormonal therapy that people did to prepare for IVF. I didn't realize that IUI was something that could turn into a real live child.

Now I know some of you are thinking well of course it can! Look at me! But I've gone through lists of blogs and have so far found only one, which I added to my blog roll, that has success with IUI. To which I honestly almost wrote Stirrupqueen and said she needs one more list of "Pregnancy with IUI" and "Pregnancy with IVF" lists, to make this research a little more streamlined. I know there is more out there but I've only been through about 5 or 6 blogs out of her list and started at the top of Pregnancy with IUI or IVF, to which I will continue later this week.

But with that said, I'd like to request that you all be so bold to put my naive ass into place, by referring blogs you have found to have had success with IUI specifically. I would love nothing more than to read story after story of success with IUI (preferably not John&Kate style - yes G. that is crazy). I think that should certainly get me out of this funk of uncertainly and most of all whining.

Back in the Saddle ... again

So I called my RE this morning and told the nurse the reason why I never came in for my beta and could I please have another prescription for medrol and progesterone (at this point just make if friggen refillable, geeez). She was of course very nice and helpful but I did sense a new addition of impatience. I felt like saying, let me tell you something lady...I'm the one doping myself on steroids and what not and dealing with sex on demand (perfectly timed I might add) and still not getting pregnant so what's it to you! I should really be the one who's impatient...and of course I am...but the least you could do is be a little positive. I feel like she really wants to say, "why don't you just come in and let the doctor do what you can't do" and be done with this charade?

And so I wonder, why don't I? Why don't I just pony up to the IUI or IVF... well I'll tell you why. Because I'm a big fat chicken, that's why. I'm afraid of the injections, I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by the amount of shots and drugs and what not that goes into IUI or IVF or whatever process he would use. I'm afraid of it a) not working b) working too well and getting pregnant with 6 embryos (ala John&Kate) as if or c) it eventually working but finding out that there is something else wrong and taking 20 cycles of IUI for it to finally happen. Plus, I'd rather not spend the money. Am I big spoiled baby brat or what? Damn it if I really want a child I'll do anything right? Not just drink rancid tea. And this feeling makes me feel terrible to no end, knowing that I've done friggen nothing compared to other women out there who have gone above and beyond climbing the infertility Mount*Everest if you will.

But then I think, for the love of God why can't I at least have the ability to do this on my own? I got pregnant the first month trying on my own why the hell not now? I feel my ovaries and uterus have gone into fear mode and are too scared now to get pregnant, fearing that my body will toss the emby out on it's little bootie. I think my body is just too scared to get pregnant. Or maybe it's just psychological and this is all in my head.

K had some great advice to go back and read my list on what I did differently for my December BFP but quite honestly I did a lot of the same this time around. So what else are you to do if you do everything right.

I guess I'm just feeling a little blue lately thinking that this just may not happen and even if it does there's no guarantee it's going to make it. For every positive story I read out there, it just seems that there are 3 other stories that are just down right horrifying. I read people's stories and just demand how in the world this can happen to people. It's just not fair. Then of course I hear that yet another random fertile woman just popped out her second child, no issues. When is it our turn to just pop them out I say? Without all the hassle and stress, when is it our turn, damn it!

Then I think I'm just jumping to conclusions (me? Nah never!) like my usual self note it's only my friggen 2nd cycle trying this time around. 2 friggen cycles! Give me a friggen chance... but then why does it feel that I've been working at this forever already? Ugh.

Plan B

So I called my RE this morning explaining my situation because AF still had not arrived. And before going on to plan A (aka diving into the vodka bottle and ice coffee slushy drinks) they suggested I come in for plan B...or ... a beta (juuuuuuuuuuuust to make sure) since it was possible that the progesterone was extending my cycle. I was so down with that. Until then I was to keep taking all meds.

So I'm all ready to go tomorrow morning for my test and what arrives? Yup you guessed it...AF.


Dr. Grumbles said it best, when referring to the "sucky" outcome. Yes, that's exactly how my life is ... more sucky...less "miracle" if you will. That's just how I roll. So this to say the least is not a surprise. I was a little depressed about this yesterday and this morning (well actually this morning I was still hoping for a miracle) but deep down I knew. Just because things like this don't tend to lean toward the "Positive...once in a lifetime miracle" side for me...they tend to lean towards the "Omg, how could that ever happen? That is so weird!?" side for me.

But I'm better now and moving on with the next cycle. Like every down and out infertile I had to do something, to make myself feel productive, although most likely a futile attempt it fits the bill. I just ordered this. If anything I'm a glutton for punishment and feel that God owes me a child if I drink rancid tasting tea....so tea I will drink! Here's to super heavy flow maxi pads AND tampons. And lots of caffeinated slushy drinks tomorrow. I'll keep the vodka at a minimum while I'm working, I think.

A Line is a Line is a...

apparently not a line. For me at least. Hmm figures that's how that would go for me.

Yup...disappeared.


So basically on Saturday I think it was...or was it Sunday? Hmm...I forget.... it was a confusing weekend of peeing; I broke down and used my clear blue easy expensive pee stick. I was tired of this cheap internet crap. And sure enough...although more clear than the internet stick still a very very thin line. This of course happened right before I left for my S*x and the City viewing. So no cosmo for me. So for a day I thought well this might just be happening.

And then woke up on Sunday and finally felt better from my fever and headache I had still been toting around since last week, and my temp had dropped from above 99 degrees to 98.01. And then I knew...it was really over. I re-tested with another internet strip and the line was completely gone...so although I don't have another clear blue easy I would assume that would be gone or almost gone too.

My temp was just a touch over 98.00 this morning and I assume that AF is just around the corner.

My personal thoughts on this? I think possibly there was something there and whether it was the reason or not I will never know but honestly I think I had some sort of infection flu that I came down with and I think whatever was there or wasn't, definitely didn't make it past my fever. I think it just wilted and went back to cell dividing land. I mean I felt so incredibly feverish this last week I could barely stand it...I don't know how anyone else would survive in there.

And there you have it...my weekend of "being pregnant" and "not being pregnant" all in one shot.

Here's to month #3 of trying....this time around that is. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.