So I called my RE this morning and told the nurse the reason why I never came in for my beta and could I please have another prescription for medrol and progesterone (at this point just make if friggen refillable, geeez). She was of course very nice and helpful but I did sense a new addition of impatience. I felt like saying, let me tell you something lady...I'm the one doping myself on steroids and what not and dealing with sex on demand (perfectly timed I might add) and still not getting pregnant so what's it to you! I should really be the one who's impatient...and of course I am...but the least you could do is be a little positive. I feel like she really wants to say, "why don't you just come in and let the doctor do what you can't do" and be done with this charade?
And so I wonder, why don't I? Why don't I just pony up to the IUI or IVF... well I'll tell you why. Because I'm a big fat chicken, that's why. I'm afraid of the injections, I'm afraid of being overwhelmed by the amount of shots and drugs and what not that goes into IUI or IVF or whatever process he would use. I'm afraid of it a) not working b) working too well and getting pregnant with 6 embryos (ala John&Kate) as if or c) it eventually working but finding out that there is something else wrong and taking 20 cycles of IUI for it to finally happen. Plus, I'd rather not spend the money. Am I big spoiled baby brat or what? Damn it if I really want a child I'll do anything right? Not just drink rancid tea. And this feeling makes me feel terrible to no end, knowing that I've done friggen nothing compared to other women out there who have gone above and beyond climbing the infertility Mount*Everest if you will.
But then I think, for the love of God why can't I at least have the ability to do this on my own? I got pregnant the first month trying on my own why the hell not now? I feel my ovaries and uterus have gone into fear mode and are too scared now to get pregnant, fearing that my body will toss the emby out on it's little bootie. I think my body is just too scared to get pregnant. Or maybe it's just psychological and this is all in my head.
K had some great advice to go back and read my list on what I did differently for my December BFP but quite honestly I did a lot of the same this time around. So what else are you to do if you do everything right.
I guess I'm just feeling a little blue lately thinking that this just may not happen and even if it does there's no guarantee it's going to make it. For every positive story I read out there, it just seems that there are 3 other stories that are just down right horrifying. I read people's stories and just demand how in the world this can happen to people. It's just not fair. Then of course I hear that yet another random fertile woman just popped out her second child, no issues. When is it our turn to just pop them out I say? Without all the hassle and stress, when is it our turn, damn it!
Then I think I'm just jumping to conclusions (me? Nah never!) like my usual self note it's only my friggen 2nd cycle trying this time around. 2 friggen cycles! Give me a friggen chance... but then why does it feel that I've been working at this forever already? Ugh.
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3 comments:
Let me just jump in and say, IUI doesn't have to be all that. I don't do injections. Just clomid (probably femera next time as my lining thinned with clomid), u/s to check follicle growth and then the IUI. It's not that involved and the actual IUI is only $300. With the two u/s and if I had done the trigger, it would be a grand total of $600.
I am considering doing a non medicated round with just the IUI after OPK surge (esp since I am going to be out of town during key days).
I know you probably dont want to hear all this, but too bad... just kidding, no I just want you to know that it's not that big and scary if you dont want it to be. Jon&Kate did injectibles without u/s monitoring (from my understanding), no RE in their right mind would go through with the IUI had they seen that amount of follicles. Well, ok, maybe they would, but mine wouldnt and I wouldn't go there either.
After my surgery and now after all the follow up stuffs, including S/A, there is no reason we shouldnt get pregnant on our own. Why IUI then, G? Because, I am willing to shell out $300 extra dollars to try and get to the promise land a bit sooner.
Ok, I will get off my soapbox. I am sorry this cycle was a bust hun. I will be thinking and hoping for you this month.
xo
g
Fear is a good thing. All your fears are valid. One thing I've learned is that you don't have control over the outcome of the infertility treatments, even though you can lull yourself into believing so. It's a personal choice, and you shouldn't feel bad if you decide not to do anything more invasive. I don't know your whole story, but I've also learned there is always something you can change in your lifestyle to improve your fertility. Having some medical tests done also helps to rule out any mechanical or biomechanical problems.
I was a chicken about the shots too at first, but I'll tell you the shots are not the hard part about IUI or IVF. I wrote a whole post on it on my blog called "IVF is not for sissies". I'm not calling anyone a sissy for not chosing to do IVF. Actually, I think it takes ovaries to say no to IVF. I'm just saying that IVF can take a huge emotional toll, and I don't think you can do anything to prepare yourself for that.
I can relate that the cycles seems really long when you are TTC...right now may be it seems forever but let's just hope that the next cycle is going to be your cycle! Hang in there.
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