So I know I said that I would test again on Friday, which is tomorrow and 15 Dpo (that is given that I actually ovulated on day 12). But my body today has been giving into my fears and I just don't know now. Today I woke up to a drop in temp to 98.0
Still in the 98 area but baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarely hanging on. I do everything very cautiously in life so I'm sure my body works by the same standards and just plans to cautiously dip down each day until AF arrives when it's all the way down the chart. Or so I'm thinking.
All day long I really didn't feel much...although I'm still getting the nauseous feeling after I eat...every single time. What is up with that? I seem to always have nausea and cramping after I eat. But no other symptoms. Maybe peeing a little more than I think I usually do but I'll just chalk that up to wanting to making sure AF hasn't arrived (which it's not supposed to until Sunday really).
So anyways now fear has overcome me and I can't get myself to take a hpt. Why is it so easy when it's early but as I grow closer I'd just rather get the bad news from AF I think than a very impersonal pee stick that says "NOT PREGNANT". I didn't even bother to pick up any today at the store so I literally I have no way to test tomorrow morning. The whole reasoning that made so much sense just days ago about the progesterone and my doctor seems completely unrealistic today. I feel i'm nose diving into negativity...
Where's my damn "Secret" dvd...
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Almost a Perfect Weekend...
This weekend was pretty perfect for the whole area being on fire as it is. Friday night we decided that we were going to take a day trip up to Santa Barbara to get away from the smoke around here. And so we took off Saturday morning after breakfast and I had such a nice day just strolling along with the hubby. We had a yummy lunch dining on Cod and stuffed sole, while looking out at the ocean and then later walked around, read a little and shopped. And finally topped the day off with sushi and our favorite restaurant. A nice get away from the everyday.
Sunday we decided we would try our hand at some yummy middle eastern food that we would make ourselves and after a morning trip to the farmers market we dined on yummy Fattoush salad and beef kabobs. Can't get any better than that.
I ran a few errands and then we settled down the evening with watching some Curb Your Enthusiasm. A favorite of ours.
By the time Sunday rolled around I could not help but feel a little tired and some other weird symptoms. Breasts felt a little sore and I could swear that every time after I ate I felt slightly nauseous. Of course this could just be my positive thinking getting into my subliminal mind...but I actually felt enough that I found some god forsaken website that claimed some pregnancy tests would show a positive as soon as 8dpo. Wasn't the one I had on hand but I had somehow talked myself into thinking that at oh what was it 11 dpo, I very well might have a positive. And helping my decision was the fact that my doctor had told me months ago that just in case I were to get pregnant again, that she wanted to start me on progesterone as soon as I get that positive! So thinking that this was absolutely necessary for me to know asap I talked myself into thinking that there was no other way about it, but it was what my doctor wanted me to do and wouldn't it be better to actually know as soon as possible rather than risk a few days without progesterone.
And so there I was on Monday morning peeing on a friggen stick. Going against all that I knew was right.
And can you guess what it said...
it said ...
"No you idiot...pee sticks don't give positives 11 dpo for YOU."
Seriously it said exactly that. To the letter.
And there you have it... I won't touch another one until this Friday...per my Baby.zone calendar.
12 dpo and still up in the 98 degree area...may the days drag on ...
Sunday we decided we would try our hand at some yummy middle eastern food that we would make ourselves and after a morning trip to the farmers market we dined on yummy Fattoush salad and beef kabobs. Can't get any better than that.
I ran a few errands and then we settled down the evening with watching some Curb Your Enthusiasm. A favorite of ours.
By the time Sunday rolled around I could not help but feel a little tired and some other weird symptoms. Breasts felt a little sore and I could swear that every time after I ate I felt slightly nauseous. Of course this could just be my positive thinking getting into my subliminal mind...but I actually felt enough that I found some god forsaken website that claimed some pregnancy tests would show a positive as soon as 8dpo. Wasn't the one I had on hand but I had somehow talked myself into thinking that at oh what was it 11 dpo, I very well might have a positive. And helping my decision was the fact that my doctor had told me months ago that just in case I were to get pregnant again, that she wanted to start me on progesterone as soon as I get that positive! So thinking that this was absolutely necessary for me to know asap I talked myself into thinking that there was no other way about it, but it was what my doctor wanted me to do and wouldn't it be better to actually know as soon as possible rather than risk a few days without progesterone.
And so there I was on Monday morning peeing on a friggen stick. Going against all that I knew was right.
And can you guess what it said...
it said ...
"No you idiot...pee sticks don't give positives 11 dpo for YOU."
Seriously it said exactly that. To the letter.
And there you have it... I won't touch another one until this Friday...per my Baby.zone calendar.
12 dpo and still up in the 98 degree area...may the days drag on ...
Friday, October 26, 2007
Back up...
to 98.3 this morning...oh the freaking pressure of a temperature. 1 week down...1 week to go.
*Sigh*
*Sigh*
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
A New Outlook...Oh Yeah and on to the 2ww
So I'm now onto my 2nd official try after my D&C, 3rd if you count the KY "experiment". And the race is off to a grand 'ol start. Basically I'm pretty sure that nothing exciting is happening down there because of several things:
1) For whatever reason I just didn't feel like I ovulated this month. I mean I think I did. The ovulation pee stick said I did. And my temp dropped really strangely on day 12. Which was weird but then again this is the first time I'm doing the charting thing. All I do is find myself looking bewildered again again at the damn grid and thinking...how can I create the most complex excel chart with formulas and such at work and yet this...I can't figure out. Whatever, I'm just connecting the dots at this point and hoping that something makes sense at some point, preferably before I turn 40. Oh wait, I was supposed to talk about why I didn't think I ovulated. Oh yeah. So anywhoos, turns out that I think my right ovary is a very quite one compared to my left. I believe it was my left ovary I originally got pregnant with. And it's my left one that always gives me lots of "love" each month it's its turn. I feel the ovary pain (plus extra) and all the other stuff....making me think that something is really happening there when something isn't. So I'm wondering...I wonder if a non-issue ovary is good? Or bad? Maybe the reason it gives my more pains is because there's a cyst there? Or maybe the other one that never gives me pains is because it's lazy and isn't doing a damn thing. Anyways so I'm on my lazy ovary...no I'll call it something nicer...my quiet ovary this month and so my O-period (as we call it back here at the ranch) is quite uneventful. Thus me thinking nothing has happened.
2) I'm not sure but I think my pee stick recognized my ovulation day slightly off from my temp drop. Assuming that is that my temp dropping on that day meant that I ovulated? Oh hell I'm confused about that. But since then I have been going up or staying the same each day so I'm thinking the party is over. Right now we are at 97.6 and counting...I think I dropped to 97.2 that one day I head a very intense headache. Of course it could have been my sinuses...which leads me to #3.
3) Since I live in CA and it's currently Santa Ana Wind season it's freakin dry here. Like super dry...like you can stand outside without moisturizer and burst into flames dry. And so...it's been quite dry EVERY WHERE. If you get my drift. I've never had lack of CM but this month it was like non-existent...except for today which could have been due to last night when I just broke down and used the pre-seed. I know way too much information but hey you're still reading it.
Anyways now on to my "New Outlook" part....
So even though I'm feeling ah not-so-pregnant right now I'm trying a new approach to this trek here. My friend finally broke down and remembered to give me the "Secret" on Friday (I know I know....what a bunch of $#%^$) Bu I watched it and thought you know what? Even if it doesn't work I'm damn tired of feeling like crap every day because of this and waiting to start my life. I've completely stopped checking out baby names and baby clothes and pretty much stayed clear of baby things because I simply wasn't sure if I was going to have one. And I thought we how negative is that? I mean seriously if anything a positive outlook has got to make the road less dark even if the tunnel's light at the end isn't as bright as we would like. And so I am joining the god awful cult of the secret and seeing how this makes me feel. I will be checking out babies names, and clothes, and researching strollers. Because damn it...I'm going to friggen have a baby someday. And that someday may be soon. So why not get started now. Anyways so that's my new found outlook. Let's see how this goes.
1) For whatever reason I just didn't feel like I ovulated this month. I mean I think I did. The ovulation pee stick said I did. And my temp dropped really strangely on day 12. Which was weird but then again this is the first time I'm doing the charting thing. All I do is find myself looking bewildered again again at the damn grid and thinking...how can I create the most complex excel chart with formulas and such at work and yet this...I can't figure out. Whatever, I'm just connecting the dots at this point and hoping that something makes sense at some point, preferably before I turn 40. Oh wait, I was supposed to talk about why I didn't think I ovulated. Oh yeah. So anywhoos, turns out that I think my right ovary is a very quite one compared to my left. I believe it was my left ovary I originally got pregnant with. And it's my left one that always gives me lots of "love" each month it's its turn. I feel the ovary pain (plus extra) and all the other stuff....making me think that something is really happening there when something isn't. So I'm wondering...I wonder if a non-issue ovary is good? Or bad? Maybe the reason it gives my more pains is because there's a cyst there? Or maybe the other one that never gives me pains is because it's lazy and isn't doing a damn thing. Anyways so I'm on my lazy ovary...no I'll call it something nicer...my quiet ovary this month and so my O-period (as we call it back here at the ranch) is quite uneventful. Thus me thinking nothing has happened.
2) I'm not sure but I think my pee stick recognized my ovulation day slightly off from my temp drop. Assuming that is that my temp dropping on that day meant that I ovulated? Oh hell I'm confused about that. But since then I have been going up or staying the same each day so I'm thinking the party is over. Right now we are at 97.6 and counting...I think I dropped to 97.2 that one day I head a very intense headache. Of course it could have been my sinuses...which leads me to #3.
3) Since I live in CA and it's currently Santa Ana Wind season it's freakin dry here. Like super dry...like you can stand outside without moisturizer and burst into flames dry. And so...it's been quite dry EVERY WHERE. If you get my drift. I've never had lack of CM but this month it was like non-existent...except for today which could have been due to last night when I just broke down and used the pre-seed. I know way too much information but hey you're still reading it.
Anyways now on to my "New Outlook" part....
So even though I'm feeling ah not-so-pregnant right now I'm trying a new approach to this trek here. My friend finally broke down and remembered to give me the "Secret" on Friday (I know I know....what a bunch of $#%^$) Bu I watched it and thought you know what? Even if it doesn't work I'm damn tired of feeling like crap every day because of this and waiting to start my life. I've completely stopped checking out baby names and baby clothes and pretty much stayed clear of baby things because I simply wasn't sure if I was going to have one. And I thought we how negative is that? I mean seriously if anything a positive outlook has got to make the road less dark even if the tunnel's light at the end isn't as bright as we would like. And so I am joining the god awful cult of the secret and seeing how this makes me feel. I will be checking out babies names, and clothes, and researching strollers. Because damn it...I'm going to friggen have a baby someday. And that someday may be soon. So why not get started now. Anyways so that's my new found outlook. Let's see how this goes.
Friday, October 12, 2007
JANUARY!!!!! Oh I don't think so!
So last week, I snuck over to my favorite psychic for a little visit after work. This might sound awfully superstitious or just plain L.A. but I do have one and I do believe in them. No mind you not to the point where I'm boiling herbs and toad feet or anything like that. But I do think they are a bit fun (or can be) and for me when it's one that I truly connect with usually correct and rather uplifting. Or so I thought.
So a little background. She's actually the one that has plainly predicted exactly some medical issues my husband has had without any knowledge of him, and also predicted that I would get pregnant last March. Coincidence? Maybe so but I still enjoy chatting with her. Of course I don't tell my husband this because he would think I'm crazy.
Anyways, went back to her and told her about the miscarriage, but how she was originally right. And asked about if there's another baby in sight, amongst other financial/career stuff.
So she looks thru her charts (she's very technical - even works off a laptop) and says yes very much indeed. And this part I didn't like...she said most likely in January, something about me getting bigger in January (of course that could just mean I've eaten myself into depression).
Now I know I'm being a spoiled impatient brat when I say this but JANUARY!!!! I need to get pregnant NOW people!!! The clock is a ticking and my down syndrome percentage is going up!!!! For the love of God! Let's get this show on the road already! She said something about my fertile astrological cycle not being in sync with my menstrual cycle. GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT. Now not only do I have to test with ovulation predictors, temp with basal thermometers, take pee tests, not drink caffeine and alcohol during my TTC week. But also friggen align my astrological cycle? I guess they really are correct when they say the stars align for something to happen.
Well regardless I'm not losing hope for this month. Since that's all I've got. But I did want to post my experience to look back just in case she is right...and if she isn't then that's just a plus for me. God this may take longer for the starts to align for this then it did for me to meet my husband...and it took me like 30 years to meet him!
Here's hoping to a non-astrologically aligned baby. Ugh.
So a little background. She's actually the one that has plainly predicted exactly some medical issues my husband has had without any knowledge of him, and also predicted that I would get pregnant last March. Coincidence? Maybe so but I still enjoy chatting with her. Of course I don't tell my husband this because he would think I'm crazy.
Anyways, went back to her and told her about the miscarriage, but how she was originally right. And asked about if there's another baby in sight, amongst other financial/career stuff.
So she looks thru her charts (she's very technical - even works off a laptop) and says yes very much indeed. And this part I didn't like...she said most likely in January, something about me getting bigger in January (of course that could just mean I've eaten myself into depression).
Now I know I'm being a spoiled impatient brat when I say this but JANUARY!!!! I need to get pregnant NOW people!!! The clock is a ticking and my down syndrome percentage is going up!!!! For the love of God! Let's get this show on the road already! She said something about my fertile astrological cycle not being in sync with my menstrual cycle. GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT. Now not only do I have to test with ovulation predictors, temp with basal thermometers, take pee tests, not drink caffeine and alcohol during my TTC week. But also friggen align my astrological cycle? I guess they really are correct when they say the stars align for something to happen.
Well regardless I'm not losing hope for this month. Since that's all I've got. But I did want to post my experience to look back just in case she is right...and if she isn't then that's just a plus for me. God this may take longer for the starts to align for this then it did for me to meet my husband...and it took me like 30 years to meet him!
Here's hoping to a non-astrologically aligned baby. Ugh.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Month 2 - A bust
I think I'll start keeping track of my cycles in terms of how I titled my journal today. Should be interesting how long this charade is going to take.
I don't think I need to spell it out...but AF came late last night. I really can't believe it. I seriously thought I felt implantation pains and had a touch of spotting last week. What happened? I know I ovulated...the damn pee stick said so. I still have the disgusting things sitting in a box for me to compare. What the freakin hell? I know I heard before that for whatever reason it does happen that you can ovulate...have sex at the perfect time...have conception and then for whatever reason the implantation never takes. So my question to God is...WHY NOT?!!!! I mean if everything else happens for a reason why doesn't this????? And noooooooo one knows. Well on behalf of the rest of the infertile or even fertile population out there I demand an answer. Someone is slacking somewhere and it's not on my side.
Anyways each month I go thru this I plan on adding one more tool to my belt. This time I'm adding the basal thermometer. I'm not sure how this will help me more than the ovulation tests but as they say, "everyone else is doing it" so why not. If anything it will make me more compulsive to do something. I mean once I'm in the 2week wait I can torture myself with testing...before that ovulation testing...I need something to do in between the two. Taking my temp every morning at a god forsaken hour seems fun enough. Why not.
Another note is that I'm down to a 28 day cycle. For crying out loud? What the hell? I started with a 36 day cycle immediately following the D&C. (which I hear is normal to be fairly long) Next cycle was exactly 30 days. Then next 29 days. This one is 28. It should be really interesting if we stop here of go further. It's nice to know that all the facts point to "normal female cycle" yet .... ummm still no freaking pregnancy!!!! So I'm on to the why nots now. My first task is to cut the wait. I'm tired of waiting to get pregnant so that I can get thru it and finally have a baby and then get the weight down. I'm going to take advantage of this lag time if it kills me...and considering the fact that all of my closets are organized to a compulsive addicts level and books are organized and house is spic and span (short of painting - which I also plan to do this week) there's not much more to do to pass the time. So dieting it is. My goal is for each month that goes by without pregnancy is to lose 10 pounds. Let's see which happens first...me wasting away to Nicole Richie size or a viable pregnancy. Should be interesting.
We are getting closer and closer to the Dec. due date of the last baby and I'm really trying to do everything possible to keep it together. My hope is to get pregnant before then to keep my mind off the obvious. But somehow this isn't going as planned.
Here's to a July baby. May October be my month.
I don't think I need to spell it out...but AF came late last night. I really can't believe it. I seriously thought I felt implantation pains and had a touch of spotting last week. What happened? I know I ovulated...the damn pee stick said so. I still have the disgusting things sitting in a box for me to compare. What the freakin hell? I know I heard before that for whatever reason it does happen that you can ovulate...have sex at the perfect time...have conception and then for whatever reason the implantation never takes. So my question to God is...WHY NOT?!!!! I mean if everything else happens for a reason why doesn't this????? And noooooooo one knows. Well on behalf of the rest of the infertile or even fertile population out there I demand an answer. Someone is slacking somewhere and it's not on my side.
Anyways each month I go thru this I plan on adding one more tool to my belt. This time I'm adding the basal thermometer. I'm not sure how this will help me more than the ovulation tests but as they say, "everyone else is doing it" so why not. If anything it will make me more compulsive to do something. I mean once I'm in the 2week wait I can torture myself with testing...before that ovulation testing...I need something to do in between the two. Taking my temp every morning at a god forsaken hour seems fun enough. Why not.
Another note is that I'm down to a 28 day cycle. For crying out loud? What the hell? I started with a 36 day cycle immediately following the D&C. (which I hear is normal to be fairly long) Next cycle was exactly 30 days. Then next 29 days. This one is 28. It should be really interesting if we stop here of go further. It's nice to know that all the facts point to "normal female cycle" yet .... ummm still no freaking pregnancy!!!! So I'm on to the why nots now. My first task is to cut the wait. I'm tired of waiting to get pregnant so that I can get thru it and finally have a baby and then get the weight down. I'm going to take advantage of this lag time if it kills me...and considering the fact that all of my closets are organized to a compulsive addicts level and books are organized and house is spic and span (short of painting - which I also plan to do this week) there's not much more to do to pass the time. So dieting it is. My goal is for each month that goes by without pregnancy is to lose 10 pounds. Let's see which happens first...me wasting away to Nicole Richie size or a viable pregnancy. Should be interesting.
We are getting closer and closer to the Dec. due date of the last baby and I'm really trying to do everything possible to keep it together. My hope is to get pregnant before then to keep my mind off the obvious. But somehow this isn't going as planned.
Here's to a July baby. May October be my month.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
