5 Weeks and a slight heart attack

Before you instantly go to the "she's obsessed with pee sticks" let me explain...

So my plan tonight was to update my blog with my 5 week symptoms. But first because of my unrelenting paranoia, I decided to stop off at the store and pick up some hpts since I hadn't peed on anything since my 2nd beta on Saturday.

The above picture captures the following: (from the top) two sticks of pure torturous panic (taken this afternoon) followed by a sigh of relief (3rd stick) followed by two sticks of research content (4th and 5th sticks). Let me explain further.

I purchased today's hpts at the lovely T*rget. Thinking I was so great because I saved a coupon from the last box. Coupon my ass...they are going to owe me a lot more than a coupon come Monday morning when I call up the lovely First Resp0nse company and chew them out.

I continued home and peed, knowing that although it's end of day it might be a little diluted but also knowing that my hcg levels should be fairly high that I can get a positive no matter what time of day.

Low and behold one...I repeat...one line. What the @#$%!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!! No spotting, no bleeding, no major cramps...what the hell!!! I mean it was white, white as snow...just one line. But then I look again. And notice...it's the control line that is missing. Are you kidding me? I reread the directions a million times and all it says is that two lines means you're pregnant. And I clearly have only one. In a panic I pee some more in a cup and dip the second stick. Same thing. Even the directions on the stick show that the control line is on the right side. I start bawling...this can't be happening. Not even a faint line????? I call mr. sushinut who happens to be on his way home from work and sob over the phone a request for him to pick up another hpt. I choose a different brand this time. He obliges and knows the drill...just remain calm. We've been through this before.

In between staring blankly at the tv and freaking out intermediately I sip more water so that I can pee again when he gets home in 20 minutes. In honor of Juno I'd have downed sunny d if I had the stuff and didn't hate it so much.

Finally he arrives. I shove the two "negative" pee sticks in his face and by now I've gotten out the two from last December's miscarriage #2 (yes, I keep them. And have had to label them by numbers as well as dates because after awhile a whole bunch of dates don't mean much - pathetic and sad I know) I explain in a desperate sad way how it's clear from the previous sticks (which show the test line a very faint) that the control line is always on the right. Why would it be on the left this time? And if it was still on the right why didn't it show up??!!! I'm frantic. Mr. sushinut agrees that I should test again but after looking at the sticks looks doubtful. He then starts asking questions about how long it took for my hcg to fall after miscarriages before. It's clear that it most likely takes more than a week and I might still even have a faint if I did start to miscarry after my super fabulous beta on Sat. I also refer him to a great review article on dr. google that confirms that the control line for this brand by the author is on the right hand line. Although no mention of this is found on the directions. I'm still freaked out/

Soon after I'm done jabbing all the past pee sticks into mr. sushinut's face, I'm ready to pee again and off I go.

Just the fact that I can pee every 20 minutes should say something about whether I'm pregnant or not, right?

And the result is stick #3 from the top. Instant line. Even from my diluted sample...at the end of the day. The tears leave as quickly as they came and I feel relief again. I still have my sushi baby. And a reminder of how quickly things can be taken away. 1 week exactly until I have my ultra sound. Oh please sushibaby hang tight...

So ummm if you're ever in the market for a pee stick...I would skip the First response brand. It's obvious they can cause unnecessary panic. Just my personal opinion.

Beta Updates

Hi everyone,
Sorry for the delay. My laptop is still down and mr. sushinut was doing work on his computer so I wasn't able to sneak in and post!

But all looks good so far... knock on wood...

15dpo:
Beta 810 (holy crap and I was just hoping for almost 200!)
Prog: 51 (much better)
Estrogen: 691 (is this normal? Dr. said it was good. So I guess so)

17dpo:
Beta - 1942 (Holly Crap Again! Does this seem high to anyone else?)

I am beyond excited to say the least (which should last maybe about 24 hours before I start freaking out with worry again) but as we are well aware, we are no where near out of the woods, considering I didn't find out about my first miscarriage until close to 3 months. But hopefully that was because of the Septum issue.

But should I be concerned about a molar pregnancy? Or excited about the possibility of twins? I did the only thing I could think of which was check the two blogs I followed that did have twin betas. And both Watson and Newt had much lower betas at this stage (if I did my research correctly) than this! Maybe I'm just a freak ute and just surge up more HCG? Geeze, it's either all or nothing with me! But I guess if I had to choose I'd take the higher beta.

What does everyone think? I asked the doctor's office and they said that anything over 300 they consider a possibility of multiples (!!!!) Which of course I wouldn't mind but as you can imagine it's a little hard to wrap my head around considering I could barely get one going before.

I am to call in on Monday and schedule my ultra sound in two weeks. Please God give me the patience to make it that far.

15 - 16dpo update

I wasn't going to post tonight even though I have great news mainly because I was so darn tired tonight I went straight to sleep (and still am darn tired) but I just woke with some slightly bad cramps and had to go sit up in my lazy boy.

Anyhow so here's where we are at currently.

Took another HPT this morning and was darker or I guess my goal here now is just as dark. I will post pictures during my next post. Plus, I got a very dark line at the doctor's office (they first give you a urine test) even the nurse said so. And so I got to take that home as a keepsake. Took the beta and they called back and unfortunately because I was in a meeting at the time and didn't answer the phone message they left was "looks good, see you Saturday for the 2nd one". I was going to call back and get exact numbers but decided not to in order to make not make myself crazy. Besides...1 beta doesn't tell you much if it "looks good". The real test is the 2nd. But that made me feel a little better.

I was going along tonight feeling pretty secure until I just woke up at 1a with these crampy nausea feelings. They were pretty uncomfortable to get up and have now scared the hell out of me. So I guess we'll see how things progress tomorrow. At the office they specifically asked me about spotting but not about cramping. So maybe that's the key? I am hoping it's either gas issues or bad chinese food that I had for dinner.

They also said yes absolutely continue taking all meds Progesterone, medrol, and baby aspirin until they tell me to not, which she said is usually the first ultra sound? Or was it after the first trimester? Hmmm whatever it was it sounded pretty far away. I would write these things down but she always answers them when taking blood!

They tested everything included progesterone and didn't say anything about increasing it when they called so it must be okay. But I plan on getting all the hard numbers on Sat.

Oh and even though they are open for only 2 hours on Saturday they will call in the afternoon when blood test results come in, so that I don't have to wait til Monday. Now that's customer service!

More to come later...

#5 14dpo - Beta tomorrow

First off thank you for all your wonderful comments on my recent posts. I am truly touched by all of your hopes and wishes. I especially loved Newts. She has a fantastically hilarious take on infertility and if you don't follow her blog Dear Gherkin you really should :)

Anyhow, back at the ranch here, we have what seems to be a darker line. What a novel idea. The line gets DARKER as the pregnancy progresses. Hmmm nice touch. Of course, given, I'm not comparing the same type of test. But even mr. sushinut who I showed the stick to (well more like set it next to the anniversary present I got him) said, "Wow, this one looks darker than the rest did." And I'd like to add, the line turned up right after peeing on it. No waiting the 5 minute nonsense. And so we continue to be cautiously optimistic.

I called dr. frozen embryo's office to break the news this morning. They congratulated me. I felt like saying please hold the applause, I'm a repeat miscarrier. But I felt I deserved the congrats. So I didn't say anything. I asked if I could come in for the beta on Thursday with a follow up on Saturday. They said that would be perfect. And then I told them I just needed a refill on my progesterone. Which by the way I need to do a post all on it's own about this stuff. I recall hearing about how ugly this can be taken vaginally and have tried two different kinds. And I think I know the trick to this not making your girlie parts all gooped up. But that's a story for another day.

So to answer someones question yes, I am still on progesterone and medrol and baby aspirin. Only today in all the hooplah I couldn't remember if I took my medrol or not. I was on the fence all day about taking it again or not. For the life of me I can't remember. The days are blurring together. I read up with dr. google and all info says either a) absolutely don't take when pregnant. Which I know is for those not taking it for fertility issues or b) don't double up, because it's a steroid and could cause issues with a overdose. Does anyone know when you are supposed to stop taking this stuff? Maybe it's a good thing I possibly didn't take it this morning. Definitely a question I'm going to ask the doctors office tomorrow.

As for the progesterone the difference this cycle is that dr. back up changed two things with the progesterone this time. 1) He told me to double up 200 mg. a day and 2) start taking it vaginally.

I do have to admit (and I know I might regret saying this...knocking on wood) but dare I say this pregnancy feels different. Even from my first one that I took all the way to almost 3 months. I feel less crampy. Almost to the point that I feel totally normal were it not for the major gas, bloating and tiredness. Which brings me to think...maybe I really don't know what a successful pregnancy feels like. All this time I thought if things were uncomfortable down there it meant something was growing, working, moving. But then things end and that's that. So maybe no pain/no gain is not the motto here. I guess we'll see. Feel free to throw in your 2 cents about your symptoms, if you're currently pregnant. I'd love to obsessively compare.

So, tune in tomorrow for a side by side comparison...I've gone out and bought more tests. Even though I'll get the blood results tomorrow I won't get the second one til Saturday. Or hell maybe Monday because they close early on Saturday. Damn. As of right now...I'm taking it minute by minute...day by day. Thanks again for being there.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Fertile...

...I swear it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I often feel like having a license plate frame that says this.

So after I wrote my wish post this morning I had to pee. It was morning. And I still had time before I left for work. I had one Internet test left. The ones that gave me the super light line last time. It was 13DPO.

Do I have to say more?

It seems a lot darker than the last two (miscarriages #3 & #4) and so I'm cautiously excited. Besides it's ONLY 13dpo and I've already got a line on the stingy Internet stick who never likes to give me a line. But we'll see with the test I take tomorrow. I had super light brown hardly noticeable (but of course noticeable to me) cm this morning. Nothing since. I was super tired last night and went to bed at 9:30p last night. Tonight it's already 11p and I'm not in bed yet. Please please please let this stick.

I haven't called dr. frozen embryo yet or told mr. sushinut since I wanted to surprise him on our anniversary. Although with my past track record I'm not sure this will be a pleasant surprised or a stressful surprise. Maybe I'll wait til Thursday to tell him.

Damn I hate this part.

Wishing on a Tree

So this last Sunday I was running around early in the a.m. doing my usual errands and came across something that touched me so much I just wanted to share with all of you.

Out and about in a nearby city looking for the perfect birthday present for my brother who has everything...I happened upon a sight of about 20 or so of these in a pretty little courtyard amongst some stores. Amongst them were the usual cafe tables and chairs but this time with little boxes of pencils and tags waiting for wishes. And the following was summarized in signs nearby...

"Make a wish, write it on a piece of paper and tie it to the branch of a Wish Tree in Yoko Ono’s participatory installation in Pasadena. Ono, the avant-garde artist and widow of John Lennon, attached wishes to trees in temple courtyards as a child in Japan. Now the act of wishing, which she describes as a “collective prayer,” is part of an ongoing tribute to her late husband. All of the wishes from the current installation will be saved and later buried at Ono’s public art project, the Imagine Peace Tower, in Reykjavík, Iceland."

I thought quickly...now let's see...if I had a wish to make what would I wish for...uh...I KNOW! ;)

Then I started looking around reading others wishes. And my heart just was touched in so many ways. Many opted to wish for world peace, or a greener world, or less pain and suffering. I felt sort of bad at first writing my own selfish needs on my wish tag. But then I read more...like a man wishing to marry Cindy. A child wishing for a great birthday. And a just starting out college student wishing to successfully get through his/her college career and successfully go on to get a great job. And another from parents wishing their son to return home from war healthy and harm-free.

These were all important wishes to each person that took time to thoughtfully write out their wish on the tag and tie it to a tree branch. No matter what they were.

There weren't many people there since it was early in the morning for a Sunday but you could see a few thoughtfully scribbling down some of their wishes on nearby tree. So I did exactly that too. I strategically picked out the tree with the most flowers on it (thinking it was the most fertile) and wrote on my wish tag "I wish to have a successful and healthy pregnancy this year". I added healthy because we all know that successful doesn't mean much these days. And as well added the time factor...because a successful and healthy pregnancy 8 years from now isn't going to do a damn thing for me. And tied it to my tree. I thought hell I've prayed to every other God there is...why not tie a wish to a tree.

Just standing there with all those trees full of wishes felt so incredibly powerful, I wish all of you could have felt it. It was like I could hear every one's hopes and dreams whispered at once. It was quite amazing.

Tomorrow is official testing day. And our 3rd anniversary. Here's to a wish on a tree coming true.

2 Week Wait # 400,568

Or at least it seems that's how many I've been through.

I was thinking yesterday that if I had to remember back to last year. The year I was 36, you couldn't pay me to come up with anything that happened except for Pregnancy, D&C, Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Miscarriage. That's it. That's all I did? I don't remember a thing else about that year. And this year so far has been the same. Sigh.

Dear God,
Can I please have my life back?

I know, I know....I suppose this IS part of my life. One of those speed bumps or if you will pot holes in the road.

I guess a good start is that I planned my summer vacation finally. Although it was no where new and was carefully planned to not fly anywhere (I think it's safe to say that I would be a high risk pregnancy at this point - when I do become pregnant, or at least for the first trimester and should not fly). Anyhow, my point was that I made the arrangements, picked a week in September and booked it at our favorite mountain resort. It was only briefly that I thought about what I would do if that week falls within the time period where I should be going in for another round of injections, ultra sounds and blood tests. To which I decided. Screw it. I deserve to take the month off. And so...if I don't fall successfully pregnant before then, that is the plan.

Today...8DPO.
Ironically my test date that the doctor gave me? Next Wednesday. The day of our 3rd anniversary. I hope it's a good one.