Bitter Party of One ... this way please...

Well now I've done it. I've gone ahead and scared a perfectly good acquaintance. I guess semi friend. I would say friend but she's my best friend's ex-roommate/enemy and so therefore I probably shouldn't be talking to her this much but she keeps on sending me updates on her new baby. Somehow I got sucked into some email chain and I'm on some distribution list for her life events and silly me actually responded congratulations to the email (just trying to enhance the karma a little...geesh).

Anyways to make a long story short we are emailing back and forth about the birth; c-section or not etc. when of course as I knew it would, it came. The age old question...and so are there any kids in you and your husband's future?

And so I had it you know, I just had it. I responded "well you know that's a very good question! We would certainly like to know!" I tried to not be sarcastic but seriously my hands just flew at the keyboard. It's not like she is a really good friend or anything and only my very good friends were told that I was even pregnant to begin with. But something just made me go off...and tell her the whole sad story how I lost the baby, saw that it had no heartbeat. Still trying...blah blah blah. And ended it with "so that's my story." I did apologize for being so blunt over email but explained that I was just sick of people asking. Which I'm sure didn't make things any better.

I'm bitter...bitter party of 1 (apparently since my husband shares none of my fears).

So I thought about it more and I really feel I still stand behind my email. I mean seriously, here's a little tip for people in general. There's really no reason to be asking the children question. Because listen, chances are if someone WANTS kids, and can HAVE kids, and isn't having ISSUES. Then guess what? You're going to see some friggen kids around. But if there are nooooooooooooo kids around then it either means a) they don't want kids (and so the question is null and void anyhow) b) can't have kids or c) is having problems. And if you're not man enough to handle b and or c then guess what?!!!! Don't friggen ask!

So that's my motto from now.

I don't care if people know I had a miscarriage (except for my work due to issues that could complicate my career (can't have the peeps know about the kids plan to early) but beyond that if you're asking chances are that I'm going to tell you and it's going to get awfully uncomfortable for you. And that's fine with me because I'm tired of being uncomfortable about this and making everyone else comfortable. I'm tired of playing the game...responding "oh we might" or "oh we are thinking about it." Helloooooooooo at my age no one is thinking about it ... they just haul ass and do it! So if it's not done...then guess what...there are issues! Issues that are none of your damn business! I'm telling you, this pregnancy thing is making me wiser by the minute.

Wait till someone asks how I'm feeling when I actually finally get pregnant. Can't wait to talk in detail about the constipation! Ugh.

Back from a busy weekend of Ovulating

God I'm tired.
And I'm sure so is my husband. I was pretty much going along quite positive about my ovulating until Sunday night hit and all went to hell. I just had a melt down and for no reason. Well except for the fact that I'm desperately trying to get pregnant as fast as I can so I can see if the new baby lives so that I can see if I'm doomed for life.

It's a lot of hurry up and wait I guess. Thank God I have my brother's wedding to help plan to take my mind off things.

Anyways, back to my melt down. For some reason I just woke up Sunday feeling that this ovulation period was going to finish and that I wouldn't be pregnant. Instant terror. Almost the type that wanted me to go home and just attack my husband and say "Get me pregnant damn it!" I don't know who that person was but it was terrifying and depressing all at once. My husband asked why I was crying and I explained how I'm nervous that I'm never going to get pregnant and that even if I do I'm never going to carry to term. And he was astonished I felt this way! :O How could he think I don't have these thoughts??? Come on!

Anyways he did remind me that I was acting illogically and that due to my mini meltdown it was probably due to me already being pregnant and the hormones going thru me. Well I doubt that but I thought it was a good try and making me feel better. Completely illogical (in my book) but a good try nonetheless.

And so now we wait...10 days...the longest 10 days ever. 10 days till despair and heartache? Or 10 days to a positive which will lead to continuous worry and fear. Hmmm is there a 3rd option because both of these suck.

Right now I'm just trying to listen to my body. I'm whispering to it...tell me...tell me...what's going on in there? I can envision cells dividing as if it were my last hope on earth. Like if I envision it, it will actually make things happen. I'm feeling sort of crampy but who knows that could be my lovely layers in my uterus waiting to shed away. I feel gas bubbles but who knows that could be all the raw broccoli I've been eating lately. Did I feel like this before? I can't remember. Those were the innocent days when I didn't pay attention to what my body was doing. Is there something really going on down there or am I just delusional and hoping that something is going on down there? But there's the heart burn in my stomach...I remember that from last time...it was weird there was a heat all the time from my stomach...not like a pain but just like a burning heat. Watch it be a damn bladder infection. God I'm pathetic...

Oh well more to come I guess...

Praying for my own sticky bun...

So the pressure is on...
this weekend is THE weekend. The big "O" weekend. It's quite funny actually because before we turn into bed every "other" night my husband yells out "honey I'm ovulating!", which makes light of our situation and makes me feel better for not being the hounding wife. How romance flourishes after infertility I'll never know but I'm lucky to have a husband with a good sense of humor I guess.

So although the stakes are high I think I might have as good chance as anything of hitting the mark with this cycle. I'm sorry to say this for others that just can't seem to get a BFP but I tended to not have that problem in the past. I actually got pregnant on the first month trying (go ahead make the gagging gesture, I deserve it) unfortunately that's my only claim to fame and keep on telling myself that only to make me feel better about my down fall which is the fact that I obviously can't KEEP a pregnancy. Minor detail. Which sometimes I feel is so much worse. Just the pain of getting the positive and having it ripped away from you is so much to bare. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

So let's hope this is a "positive" weekend that will go by fast and be quite productive, with a sticky bun in the oven that will be there for the long hall.

The Countdown begins

And so tomorrow is the first day of my "fertility week". I've felt a little strange today. I've had terrible thoughts on having another miscarriage again. I guess this is pretty normal but it comes and goes with me and today has been a bad thought day. Some days I feel really positive and just know that my next pregnancy will be happy and healthy and everything will turn out just fine. And then some days I'm just in this super dark place thinking that I will be one of those people that are teased with easy pregnancy only to lose each one after another, with all the doctors completely baffled by why this is happening to me.

I guess the real reason I go back and forth is because the luck of the draw seems to go back and forth. As we all know there is no rhyme or reason and even the doctors say so. There's always those couples that have been infertile with no end in sight and then simply one day they get pregnant naturally...then there are those others that seem like everything is normal and just can't. It's like there's no guarantees no matter what.

It's like playing the baby lottery. Well I certainly hope I play better at this than I do at the real lottery. Cuz I haven't one anything on that one yet either. Damn.

Wow is time Flying...finally

Can't believe that we are half way done with August. Just to update I decided to cheat early and start trying just a few days before the 2 month mark our doctor gave us. My theory was that if indeed I was the unsual 35 day cycle the first few days of August I would still be in my ovulation period. Or so the ovulation predictors say. If in fact I was actually a normal 30 day cycle then AF would show her face soon and I would get my chance to try again in a couple of weeks anyhow.

And so I counted and waited. I do admit that since she was no where to be seen on the exact day due I took a pregnancy test first thing that morning. Might have jumped the gun a bit but call it hopefully delusional but I thought I might have a chance at being pregnant. No such luck it was a big fat negative making me feel guilty for wasting a test when I wasn't even late. To show me up AF certainly appeared out of no where that evening. And so we are on! 30 day cycles for me it is! Anyways let the games begin yet again! Few more days until ovulation. Let's hope this hurdle is behind us soon.

p.s.
finished almost all of my tasks, cleaned my whole house and finished almost all my wedding planning for my brother's wedding. whoohoo...way to be productive rather than depressed. :)

Finally...THE month

It's here, finally ... August. I never thought I'd make it here but practically a million tasks on my to do list to take my mind off the time and who would of thought, I'm here. Only 6 days to go before I can "officially" start trying. Which of course doesn't correlate with my ovulation but hey since when do the stars align for me? I could feel (I think) ovulation pain today. And if I'm going off of a 36 day cycle (my last one after the D&C was 36 days) then I should be ovulating. Is that stretching it? How many people have a 36 day cycle?

So the big question is...do I cheat and start early? Or wait until my next cycle. Here's where my planner mode comes in and my ridiculous logic. Although at this point I would be extremely happy with a boy or a girl but deep down I really really feel that a girl is in our future. And in the chinese gender prediction calendar if I conceive in Aug. it's supposed to be a girl. If I conceive in July...it's supposed to be a boy. So even if I do have the nerve to cheat, I sort of decided I'll start in Aug. Is that wrong? Why am I like this? Why do I have to plan EVERYTHING?

And then I start thinking who am I to think that I'm actually going to get pregnant this time around. Just because I'm trying doesn't mean anythings going to happen. The "what ifs" come flying in and then I just go into sheer panic thinking that it doesn't matter what month it is or what I have just go ahead and try as soon as you possibly can!!!!! Ugh. I wander between overplanning control freak and sheer fear of disappointment. Then there's the part of me who basically thinks... "the doctor said wait 2 months" 2 months exactly (I tried to ask if she meant 2 cycles and she just kept on repeating 2 MONTHS...like she's been thru this before with others who tried to wiggle there way to 2 months.) Now does she mean 2 months of 30 days? or 31 days? Or Feb. which would be 28 days? See this is what I do.... I chose 30 days because it's pretty much the norm. Although if I start trying tomorrow it will be more like 25 days. 25 days will be like 1 month 3 weeks. Hey that's almost 2 months right? ... right? ugh. I'm going to the fridge to drink the rest of the almond champagne...hopefully I won't be able to drink it later in the month so I better load up now.

Tomorrow I'll post my vacation pictures. Maybe that will get my mind off ovulating...or not...cheating...or not.

Tick Tick Tick...

Tomorrow, or actually today since it just turned midnight will be 33 days of what is supposed to be my cycle. Damn it where is AF? I know that 3 little days aren't much but it concerns me even so. What if like...it NEVER comes. I have a friend that claims to never "what if" herself...she says that she never even says those words...I wish I could be more like her. I ALWAYS "what if" myself. To the point my husband replies..."What if you go to the beach and it rains?" to which I reply...if it looked like it was going to rain I wouldn't gooooooooooooo to the beach! Do you see the problem here?

I prefer something I read in a feng shui book instead. The book says: Many times you will ask yourself "what if this?" or "What if that happens?" This is very common the book claims...simply reply to yourself..."This is a story that doesn't need to happen" and so there you have it..."This is a story that doesn't need to happen" ... unless of course it does...in order to make me crazy! Ugh.

Meanwhile back at the ranch:

More tasks done at work.

Called Dell and talked to India. Will need to call again tomorrow to extend laptop warranty and buy a new battery since mine never keeps it's charge (just maintenance junk). By tomorrow that will be off my list.

Folded 39 out of 75 wedding invitations for my brother's wedding this evening.

Folded 2 loads of laundry.

Replaced 5 pillow covers on bed pillows.

And wrote 1 blog post.

Awaiting the arrival of 1 Aunt Flow to know that I'm not damaged goods after my D&C...priceless