THE PLAN

So today I had my post-op update and things went pretty well. Well except for when during my ultrasound, my RE got so caught up in the excitement of looking at my ovaries that he moved the wand a little too quickly and I felt like he hit a speed bump inside me at about 60 miles per hour. That was a little uncomfortable...to say the least... but besides that it was pretty optimistic. Men.

So once again he said he was completely surprised by what he found during the surgery because he really didn't know if he would find anything. His instinct said small septum...but boy was he surprised when he found one quite larger than he imagined. He was very excited because otherwise he said there really wasn't much that he could hang his hat on. He went on to show me the step by step pics on the handiwork inside me. Before big fat septum and after shots. I saw a pic of both of my tubes and then the big wall of doom as I'm referring to now. It was big...fat...and white (as he pointed out..because there was no blood in the septum...thus the reason my little embys couldn't be nourished...hmmm makes sense). He said the septum could be categorized as a mid sized one...not a huge buick...but not small a small compact by any means. He said it took up about 1/4 of my uterus. If I trusted myself to remember, I would have asked him dimensions like I know some gals do, but quite honestly I knew I would have dates and other numbers to remember and didn't want to bother.

After the ultrasound we went in his office to talk about THE PLAN, (his words not mine). I loved the fact that he had one...and hoped it was better than the one I've been toting around as of late.

So basically this is the bottom line: I'm still young (God bless him for thinking so), and I obviously can get pregnant. I eagerly piped in reminding him that the first time only took the first month trying (hey it's my only claim to fame thus far and I'm milking it...I feel like that washed up gymnast who won a bronze in 1984 and still totes it around as if it were yesterday...even though it's been like 20 years).

Step 1: Because it was a midsized sedan..or err septum he recommends I go in for another HSG just to make sure everything is clear (great...more dye up the yoohoo) since sometimes if it's rather large they want to make sure everything is gone. I am to call the office to set up the HSG as soon as I start my next cycle (here we go again with the black slacks - look ma can't even see the dye leakage).

Step 2: If everything looks good I can go ahead and try again the same month as the HSG (April). Wow. I asked if this was safe with all the dye hanging around and he said yes perfectly...it's just fluid and does not affect anything...if anything it's even more recommended because they know that they've just checked to make sure nothing has grown back or is still formed.

Step 3: I am to track my ovulation with my fertility monitor (note to self order more pee sticks) and call to set up a progesterone test about a week after ovulation (just for good measure)...and try try again. If after 2-3 months of trying after this first month I'm not PG yet, we'll meet again to see if there's some way he can encourage a faster outcome (aka more big bucks). Ovaries and Ute...if you're listening you better behave...because if I have to pay for an IVF cycle I'm going to kick some major ass.

Things I forgot to ask about and will ask next time I call in:

1. What about the baby aspirin? Do I go on that again?
2. Can I start going to the gym now? I'm assuming this is okay if I don't over do it, the surgery center said it would be fine after a couple of days.
3. Intercourse? I'm going to wait 2 weeks as suggested by the surgery center.

He seemed very matter of fact and quite optimistic and if I'm not mistaken a little excited even. If this works I will love this man forever.

So until then here's my plan:

1. Lose 10 pounds this month and continue until I get pg. (thus the gym question and the new ticker)
2. Get out the CBEFM and dust off
3. Buy more pee sticks
4. Make an appt. to get my hair colored (just in case all this crazy talk does work, I don't want to be caught looking toe up).
5. Continue reading my fertility diet book and load up on the green tea (decaf of course), grapefruit juice and kelp. Yum.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Wow, can't believe it's St. Patrick's Day already. That reminds me it's March. Of course I knew it was March already but it just reminds me that a year ago and a couple of weeks was the first time I got pregnant. My "I got pregnant the first month trying" pregnancy. What a crock. I knew it couldn't be that easy. Nothing is ever that easy for me.


Anyways my post op appt. is tomorrow morning. So we'll see how it goes. I've been feeling sort of weird gassy at times and sort of some ovulating aches but let's just hope that means I'm ovulating this month. I've decided to sort of cop out of the fertility monitor this month just because I practically had to pee on twenty sticks last month and still didn't get any rating higher than high. So I really need to order more before I continue to use my fancy gadget.


Thanks to everyone who has been responding on my blog...I welcome new comers always and will be finding time to stop by and read your stories. So far I've only looked into Kath and I think I'm up to 2006 now. :)

Be back tomorrow with more on my post op.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaack...

First off thank you so much for all your good wishes. You guys are so great...seriously.

So I've been back at home recovering all day and all went better than I expected.
Long story short the doc said that it was DEFINITELY a septum and apparently was bigger than he thought it would be. His exact words to my husband were, "I'm almost certain this was what was causing the miscarriages" and likened my ute to a duplex that now is a studio. Wow...who gets a confirmation like that I tell you? I mean we all wish for it but seriously how often does that happen? I feel deeply appreciative that he is so confident...but the un-trusting infertile in me just isn't ready to let her guard down that easy. But I am happy that I got my moneys worth and that at least one thing is improved. I'm so glad I did it. And you know what...even if there was nothing there I wouldn't be able to sleep at night not knowing...so I would have been glad I did it then as well.

The overall experience was as pleasant I guess as an operation could be. One thing to be said about being a cash patient...the customer service and quality you pay for is beyond anything an insurance company could offer. Makes me even more p.o'd about our medical system.

Anyways I was there so early that I was the only patient in the surgery clinic. It was extremely well decorated and wonderful customer service. I had all the staff to myself...and I was the only one in the place when I came out too. I'm wondering how much business they get but they must do well. Anyhow it was basically like having a mini hospital all to myself. I consider myself very lucky with my operations thus far, as both times I've had exceptional care. By noon I was home and resting. I took a nap most of the day as my lovely drug induced haze wore off...and the last thing I remember when falling asleep was a baby's cry over at my neighbor's house. Although the baby didn't seem especially happy for whatever reason the sound made me smile...knowing that maybe someday I'll hear that same cry in my home. Although I'm not nearly done yet...I feel I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Countdown Begins...

So I'm off to bed now at a mere 10p because I have to get up at the crack o' dawn for my uterus repair job. By the time everyone reads this hopefully all will be over and I'll be in a nice drug induced haze. I'm a tiny nervous but not anything major. It can't be worse than a d&c or a miscarriage at home....that's for sure...What I say? You mean there will be a doctor and drugs in a professionally staffed hospital? Not me on a toilet in major pain praying that I don't bleed to death? FABULOUS. Where do I sign?

Jeeze...How did I get so blunt and crude? When did that happen? Oh yeah...see above experiences.

Anywhoos, of course i've also used my good ol' "I'd rather do this than a public speaking experience in front of 500 people" (the worst thing possible in my book).

So with that at top of mind I'm super psyched.

Here's hoping that my doc can go in and kick some septum ass.

My Horoscope this Month

Random fly by post of interest...

If you are like some Aries, you may now be ready to finally start your family - a sweet little baby may be in your future. You've come a long way over the past two years, a time when taskmaster Saturn toured your pregnancy sector. If you delayed the start of your family, there seems to be no further reason to do so. (You would think!) Even though you may feel trepidation about getting pregnant and being responsible for a new life, your chart shows you are more ready than you think you are.

hmmm ... interesting .... I wonder if my uterus reads horoscopes?

Update on Hysteroscopy

Thanks for all your kind comments...I love the offers for a ride if you lived closer. That actually might be a good idea for a new service. What better person to take for support to a surgery other than someone who's going through the same thing as you? I know I'd do it for any of you too!

Well as always happens things pretty much worked themselves out. I really hate jumping to conclusions and freaking out on the planning but that's just my personality...

I called immediately on Monday and the doctor had me scheduled for the surgery for this Thursday. They say they schedule it on usually day 5 or 6 of your cycle so I knew it would be Thursday or Friday. Friday would absolutely be the worst day for my husband to take me, so I totally lucked out. I go into surgery at 7:30a (ugh)...reporting in at 6:30a (double ugh)...leaving the house at 6:00a, which means I have to be up to shower and get ready at 5a (uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh). At least I'll be able to sleep during the surgery! But on the plus side the hubby was able to clear his morning schedule and take the morning off...by lunch I should be delivered back home and resting and he can return to work. Fewwwwwwwwww. I guess my venture of wandering the streets still drugged from my surgery will have to wait for another time ;)

So today I went in for my pre-op appointment which entailed an ultrasound, a urine test and some blood tests. My ultrasound showed some interesting findings. 2 Fibroids one on each side, which looked huge to me but I guess everything is magnified down there. The doc didn't seem concerned at all and I asked if those should be taken out and he said no they are fine. And 1 small cyst which he claimed will disappear at end of cycle. But we also saw a really good lining...and some follicles. I felt good about the fact that my body is still creating those since I'm freaked out about every miscarriage stressing my body out and it giving up at some point.

My questions to him were the following:
1) I stopped taking my baby aspirin because I thought it was better not to due to the increase of bleeding it may cause during the surgery. Is this what you would recommend? His answer: Yes definitely. There's no need for it right now and it is better not to take before surgery.

2) How long after the surgery do I need to wait until we can start trying again? If it's just a slight septum - 1 month. If it's larger than he thinks...2 months.

3) If he finds that I do have a septum does he get rid of it right there or do I have to go into surgery again. His answer: nope he'll take care of it then and there.


So all in all everything went well and I am set to go for Thursday. The total bill of all this hoopla (cuz you just know I was going to complain about that!) will be close to $4k ... and yes...that's outta pocket. Because the world hasn't accepted yet that fertility issues are real problems, existing in real people.

It wasn't until this evening that I realized this surgery is costing me the same price as my Hawaii vacation staying at the Four Seasons in Maui that I've been dreaming about lately. Oh well. I'll have to take it out of the kid's inheritence I suppose. ;) Maybe if I dream of being in Hawaii while I'm under, it will be like the same thing? Ya think?

IT'S ON!...again

And so late last night AF came. A short cycle (20 days) this time around but a cycle none the least. The good news: I get to have my hysteroscopy earlier than expected. The bad news: this coincides with probably the worst week for my husband to take a day off of work possible.

(Please excuse the following ... it's just random ramblings of planning in my head)

So now I've had nothing on my mind except about how in the world I'm going to pull off this surgery without a ride there and back. There's the option of finding someone else to take me, but then I would have to tell them the whole friggen long story. And quite honestly, I'm not in the mood. I could make up something nonchalantly, but I tend to find people freak a little over the word "surgery" ... no matter how minor you tell them it is. Quite honestly the only person I would want to go with me is my husband...anyone else would truly only be necessary for a ride and in no way for support. I know this sounds strange but I just don't have the patience these days for explanation. Explaining where we are in our fertility process, dealing with a family member's disappointment and sympathy, it's just such a drag for me these days...I don't want any sympathy, I don't want to explain.... I just want to feel as normal as possible. And if someone is constantly asking questions and giving me the sympathetic eye ... that by no means qualifies as normal to me. I know that it's all done out of concern, but again I just don't have the patience for it anymore. Is that weird? Giving up support just to not have to explain things? I guess some might say it's a sort of denial. But really I'm not denying anything. If any of my family or close friend would ask me "hey whatever happened to getting pregnant again?...how's that going?" I would know that they truly wanted to know. And I would tell them. But they don't...or haven't. Instead what I get is either no mention (which quite honestly is perfectly fine with me) or the old "can't wait til you have kids (my hairdresser says that every month)" or comments on other people's children, or just plain ignoring the big ass elephant in the room. Not to mention, I still can't figure out how commenting on other people's children to a person who miscarried and is obviously not pregnant again after a year (at least to their knowledge) can make a person feel better. I mean seriously, what's the motive there? My mom does this on a continuous basis. She's always telling me about a friend's daughter's child or someone who is pregnant or just had a kid. She goes on and on with stories even if I pretend I'm not listening. I'm just not entirely sure what she's getting from it, or hoping I get from it. I'm sure (at least I hope) it's not intentional but some days it's all that I can do to say to her to please stop inserting the 4 inch dagger into my back, because it's getting really uncomfortable. I know she sees I'm uncomfortable...she sees I don't comment back... yet she continues. I know some may think...she's your mom...you should at least share with her your journey thus far...but you should also know that we've never been really that close and I often am more the mother to her than she is to me. This is also the same person after my first miscarriage that said that she doesn't want to hear about another pregnancy until I'm at least 16 week pregnant. Now how do I gain support from someone that can't be there until 16 weeks in? Sort of half asses support if you ask me. I guess she didn't want to go through the heart ache again...or at least that's what I assumed. I really think it was the uncomfortableness of the whole thing. I mean for her that is, not me.

Now how did I get on this topic when I was writing about my surgery conundrum? Oh yes, I guess my mom would be the 2nd most logical person to take me or pick me up since that is supposed to be what moms do I suppose. But alas she is working and not able to easily take days off. And as you can see the support is not all too encouraging from her.

Honestly I can easily drive myself there but it's obvious that I can't drive myself home although I wish I could. How do people with no family do this, I wonder? I picture those homeless people in the news lately who are kicked to the curb from the hospital and left stranded in some random side street.

I have no issue being in the hospital alone...I know that sounds sad but since this is different than my D&C I feel this is more of a positive surgery than the D&C. I'm thinking hopefully that maybe I can get myself there and then have my husband take a brief break around lunch pick me up from the hospital and drop me off at my mom's house (which is close to his work) that way he doesn't need to miss too many patients. I know it sounds absurd that my husband can't come with me but seriously he's a doctor too and it's the one week that all the other doctor's are out and there's a full week of patients scheduled. Not to mention each hour lost means money, money that could be going to this lovely surgery that we are paying cash for. Joy. I certainly would give up the hand holding for that cash I tell you. Then after I could hang out at my mom's house (while she's at work) and rest until my husband gets off work a few hours later. He can pick me up and then we can go home. Now what to do about my car trapped at the hospital is a whole other story.

Oh why does infertility need to be such an inconvenience.... grrrr.