IT'S ON!...again

And so late last night AF came. A short cycle (20 days) this time around but a cycle none the least. The good news: I get to have my hysteroscopy earlier than expected. The bad news: this coincides with probably the worst week for my husband to take a day off of work possible.

(Please excuse the following ... it's just random ramblings of planning in my head)

So now I've had nothing on my mind except about how in the world I'm going to pull off this surgery without a ride there and back. There's the option of finding someone else to take me, but then I would have to tell them the whole friggen long story. And quite honestly, I'm not in the mood. I could make up something nonchalantly, but I tend to find people freak a little over the word "surgery" ... no matter how minor you tell them it is. Quite honestly the only person I would want to go with me is my husband...anyone else would truly only be necessary for a ride and in no way for support. I know this sounds strange but I just don't have the patience these days for explanation. Explaining where we are in our fertility process, dealing with a family member's disappointment and sympathy, it's just such a drag for me these days...I don't want any sympathy, I don't want to explain.... I just want to feel as normal as possible. And if someone is constantly asking questions and giving me the sympathetic eye ... that by no means qualifies as normal to me. I know that it's all done out of concern, but again I just don't have the patience for it anymore. Is that weird? Giving up support just to not have to explain things? I guess some might say it's a sort of denial. But really I'm not denying anything. If any of my family or close friend would ask me "hey whatever happened to getting pregnant again?...how's that going?" I would know that they truly wanted to know. And I would tell them. But they don't...or haven't. Instead what I get is either no mention (which quite honestly is perfectly fine with me) or the old "can't wait til you have kids (my hairdresser says that every month)" or comments on other people's children, or just plain ignoring the big ass elephant in the room. Not to mention, I still can't figure out how commenting on other people's children to a person who miscarried and is obviously not pregnant again after a year (at least to their knowledge) can make a person feel better. I mean seriously, what's the motive there? My mom does this on a continuous basis. She's always telling me about a friend's daughter's child or someone who is pregnant or just had a kid. She goes on and on with stories even if I pretend I'm not listening. I'm just not entirely sure what she's getting from it, or hoping I get from it. I'm sure (at least I hope) it's not intentional but some days it's all that I can do to say to her to please stop inserting the 4 inch dagger into my back, because it's getting really uncomfortable. I know she sees I'm uncomfortable...she sees I don't comment back... yet she continues. I know some may think...she's your mom...you should at least share with her your journey thus far...but you should also know that we've never been really that close and I often am more the mother to her than she is to me. This is also the same person after my first miscarriage that said that she doesn't want to hear about another pregnancy until I'm at least 16 week pregnant. Now how do I gain support from someone that can't be there until 16 weeks in? Sort of half asses support if you ask me. I guess she didn't want to go through the heart ache again...or at least that's what I assumed. I really think it was the uncomfortableness of the whole thing. I mean for her that is, not me.

Now how did I get on this topic when I was writing about my surgery conundrum? Oh yes, I guess my mom would be the 2nd most logical person to take me or pick me up since that is supposed to be what moms do I suppose. But alas she is working and not able to easily take days off. And as you can see the support is not all too encouraging from her.

Honestly I can easily drive myself there but it's obvious that I can't drive myself home although I wish I could. How do people with no family do this, I wonder? I picture those homeless people in the news lately who are kicked to the curb from the hospital and left stranded in some random side street.

I have no issue being in the hospital alone...I know that sounds sad but since this is different than my D&C I feel this is more of a positive surgery than the D&C. I'm thinking hopefully that maybe I can get myself there and then have my husband take a brief break around lunch pick me up from the hospital and drop me off at my mom's house (which is close to his work) that way he doesn't need to miss too many patients. I know it sounds absurd that my husband can't come with me but seriously he's a doctor too and it's the one week that all the other doctor's are out and there's a full week of patients scheduled. Not to mention each hour lost means money, money that could be going to this lovely surgery that we are paying cash for. Joy. I certainly would give up the hand holding for that cash I tell you. Then after I could hang out at my mom's house (while she's at work) and rest until my husband gets off work a few hours later. He can pick me up and then we can go home. Now what to do about my car trapped at the hospital is a whole other story.

Oh why does infertility need to be such an inconvenience.... grrrr.