So I went to see my Rheumatologist last week and I feel so proud of myself. Not because I went to my appt. exactly but more for the fact that I didn't break down and cry like I did for my ob appt. and my GP appt. For whatever reason I woke up that morning and felt very positive. I seriously felt I had a grasp on things and that all would go well. I had the day off from work (due to the holiday) and I had a few nice things planned for my day alone. A sushi lunch, a little bit of shopping and a movie. During my visit I found the secret to preventing myself from breaking down. I had to tell her that I had another miscarriage but I found that when I say the "m" word I start to cry immediately. Something about the word makes me feel so sorry for myself. Funny enough now that I've had two the first one seems so far removed from me it doesn't affect me as much when I talk the most recent. Not that the first was any easier than the second, or vice versa.
And so this time I used the word "Chemical pregnancy" (although the verdict is still out whether it was one or not) after using it I somehow was able to hold it together. Interesting. The doctor seemed still really positive and I think that made me feel positive too.
I did tell her how my GP basically gave me the run around about whether I was pregnant or not even though I had 6 positive hpts and a beta of 39. I told my rheumatologist about my GP saying well you're sort of pregnant. She was shocked and asked the same question as I did. Sort of pregnant????, she yelled. As my rheumatologist pointed out immediately...you're either pregnant or not!!!! I felt so good when she said that because that was exactly my thought when my GP said that. So strange. Anyways all in all it was a good positive appt. and best of all she once again assured me that my ana level is far too low for any concern and that I am perfectly normal for a "slightly abnormally high ana level".
Which reminded me of how I feel these days... Abnormally normal. I feel like I'm in a weird phase right now. I'm just this normal run of the mill self running around doing normal things...yet I'm in the midst (or start?) of what could be a very sad or happy journey. I feel quite abnormally normal and I can't quite decide if I find comfort with this or not. At times it feels so good not to have my mood decided on a daily temp when I get up. But also at times I feel sad about that. I feel happy that I can haul in the raw spicy sushi rolls without a second thought, but at the same time feel strange still holding back a lot on tuna due to the mercury.
My days lately have been a mix of super positive thoughts, thinking that I could very well be pregnant just next month (that is if my RE says I can start trying again) but then I catch a glance of my embarrassingly sad collection of opk sticks (as well as positive hpts) and wonder if I'll even have the energy, patience and strength to carry on with this escapade. Not to mention the unknown financial outcome of this whole RE situation might possibly threaten our long awaited dream of owning our own home.
Such a strange time, such a strange time.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Operation Keep Myself Pregnant - Step 1
Okay so after a nice long restful weekend I am now faced with the decision to choose a "Keep Myself Pregnant" doctor. Hmmm. I find this task a cross between choosing a spa and choosing a wedding vendor. With something like this I don't want to go for the cheapest deal in town. But at the same time I don't want to be enticed by all the bells and whistles of the highest priced man in town. Does that make sense?
Basically we are down to 3. Two have been suggested by my ob and the other one is all the rave in my husband's office.
Here's a little background:
So my husband, who happens to be a doctor (but as I said before, unfortunately not in this field...and even further more I might add has successfully put all female anatomy data that he ever learned in med school out of his mind) has gotten to know a couple of women who he works with and happen to be pregnant. At first when I heard about them I thought...well isn't that sweet...probably two women who work together that just decided one day - WALLAH! Why don't we have our babies at the same time???! (insert high pitched annoying "eeeeeeeeek" sound here) Wouldn't that be so fun!!!!? Funny how in my mind that's how that scene played out. Anyways flash forward, my husband actually finds out that not only did one but BOTH of these women had issues getting pregnant and were actually trying to get pregnant for something like 7 years and just couldn't! Anyways to make a long story short he started hearing story after story about this AMAZING RE that gets everyone pregnant (well you know what I mean). And so with my persistent instruction I nagged my husband to get this doctor's info. And so this is how Doctor #3 or Dr. Amazing came to be.
Doctor #1 was posted about earlier and I like to call him Dr. Frozen Embryo because my ob told me that she knows him personally, and just raved about him. Oh and also mentioned that he has been written up for successfully transplanting the world's oldest frozen embryo. I'm picturing some freezer burn but I'm assuming that's not really how it happened. But I can't help but be impressed by someone who could make something out of freezer burn. I would have easily given up instantly and just tossed it out. Shows patience if anything.
Now Doctor #2 otherwise known as Dr. Yuppy (also referred to me by my ob - prior to finding out that Dr. Frozen Embryo was technically closer to me) also seems perfectly acceptable with a lovely website featuring his lovely office...his picture (featured on his lovely website) reminds me of someone who would play the role of the infertility doctor to some yuppy couple in a primetime show. So I'm calling him Dr. Yuppy. He's young, he's Caucasian and his offices look well decorated (always a plus in my book since I'm always appreciative of a well decorated office - although I'm not sure my ovaries will take this into consideration as much).
So there you have it. Three perfectly lovely doctors and one major decision to make. And so I am now looking beyond well decorated offices and impeccable websites and getting to the nitty gritty. How many years and publications and board position and etc. etc. etc. do they each have? I feel like I'm giving points for each tally and the one with the most wins. It's enough to make my head spin.
Doctor Frozen Emby has had at least 17 years of experience and has a list to high heaven of research and publications he's been a part of. Not to mention a few nbc news links as to stories covered on him in the news. And let's not forget the frozen emby. He was my ob's top pick because a) has great success rates (which according to his website he does have slightly higher than Dr. Amazing) which makes me wonder, how AMAZING could doctor Amazing be with lower success rates than Dr. Frozen Embryo? b) He's conveniently located right between both my husband and my work locations for easy access (never thought about this but in case my husband needs to dart over for a lunch time deposit this might be important) c) He's been doing this for a long time. My overall take on him is Pros: 1) good website 2) great reviews 3) obviously successful beyond the average RE to get a few news clips of him on a major news story. Cons: 1) is he the shiny penny that I'm going for just because of the glam? 2) Will he be more expensive? (I hate to consider this but in the real world money especially thousands of dollars worth can really make or break us at this point) 3) Although close in location he's still in quite a high traffic area to make getting to his office sort of a pain mid day.
Dr. Yuppy has 11 years experience. Slightly less, but not terrible in my opinion. Great website, great office, no bad reviews but not quite as much press as Dr. Emby, a little out of the way for both of us from our work locations but actually closer to home. Not quite as much glam but still seems high class enough that I sort of feel there might be a possibility of overcharging the average yuppy couple coming to him for help.
And last but not least Dr. Amazing: With an amazing amount of approximately 23 years of experience he blows away the other doctors. But here's the catch...he's no per se an actual RE from what I can tell but simply an OB that has dipped his hands in fertility issues. His clinic seems to do and provide everything that the others do but has has not quite so much press and has just a standard no frills website. On the upside my husband points out that his office has had many referrals from him and that a possible "family discount" may be possible not to mention his usual pricing does offer a "cash" discount which partially thrills the frugal side of me but concerns me on the practicality side. Do I really want the option to use a coupon for the sake of my health? As much as this being a plus I don't really want to choose my doctor based upon a happy hour discount menu if you know what I mean. Oh and I should mention that he is EXTREMELY close to my husband's work which will ideally be the best so that my husband doesn't have to upset his own patients schedule when he has to haul butt down there for a sperm test or possible deposit.
I mean what do they always say? You get what you pay for?
Sigh. I would ideally love to talk to my husband about this until we are both blue in the face and have made a zillion pros and cons lists. Ideally I would love to have the time and money to do initial interviews with all 3 of them and then choose from there but unfortunately I don't have that luxury. So instead I'll do the next best thing...and post a poll. So vote away and let me know your honest opinion about which RE you would pick! Thanks for playing.
Basically we are down to 3. Two have been suggested by my ob and the other one is all the rave in my husband's office.
Here's a little background:
So my husband, who happens to be a doctor (but as I said before, unfortunately not in this field...and even further more I might add has successfully put all female anatomy data that he ever learned in med school out of his mind) has gotten to know a couple of women who he works with and happen to be pregnant. At first when I heard about them I thought...well isn't that sweet...probably two women who work together that just decided one day - WALLAH! Why don't we have our babies at the same time???! (insert high pitched annoying "eeeeeeeeek" sound here) Wouldn't that be so fun!!!!? Funny how in my mind that's how that scene played out. Anyways flash forward, my husband actually finds out that not only did one but BOTH of these women had issues getting pregnant and were actually trying to get pregnant for something like 7 years and just couldn't! Anyways to make a long story short he started hearing story after story about this AMAZING RE that gets everyone pregnant (well you know what I mean). And so with my persistent instruction I nagged my husband to get this doctor's info. And so this is how Doctor #3 or Dr. Amazing came to be.
Doctor #1 was posted about earlier and I like to call him Dr. Frozen Embryo because my ob told me that she knows him personally, and just raved about him. Oh and also mentioned that he has been written up for successfully transplanting the world's oldest frozen embryo. I'm picturing some freezer burn but I'm assuming that's not really how it happened. But I can't help but be impressed by someone who could make something out of freezer burn. I would have easily given up instantly and just tossed it out. Shows patience if anything.
Now Doctor #2 otherwise known as Dr. Yuppy (also referred to me by my ob - prior to finding out that Dr. Frozen Embryo was technically closer to me) also seems perfectly acceptable with a lovely website featuring his lovely office...his picture (featured on his lovely website) reminds me of someone who would play the role of the infertility doctor to some yuppy couple in a primetime show. So I'm calling him Dr. Yuppy. He's young, he's Caucasian and his offices look well decorated (always a plus in my book since I'm always appreciative of a well decorated office - although I'm not sure my ovaries will take this into consideration as much).
So there you have it. Three perfectly lovely doctors and one major decision to make. And so I am now looking beyond well decorated offices and impeccable websites and getting to the nitty gritty. How many years and publications and board position and etc. etc. etc. do they each have? I feel like I'm giving points for each tally and the one with the most wins. It's enough to make my head spin.
Doctor Frozen Emby has had at least 17 years of experience and has a list to high heaven of research and publications he's been a part of. Not to mention a few nbc news links as to stories covered on him in the news. And let's not forget the frozen emby. He was my ob's top pick because a) has great success rates (which according to his website he does have slightly higher than Dr. Amazing) which makes me wonder, how AMAZING could doctor Amazing be with lower success rates than Dr. Frozen Embryo? b) He's conveniently located right between both my husband and my work locations for easy access (never thought about this but in case my husband needs to dart over for a lunch time deposit this might be important) c) He's been doing this for a long time. My overall take on him is Pros: 1) good website 2) great reviews 3) obviously successful beyond the average RE to get a few news clips of him on a major news story. Cons: 1) is he the shiny penny that I'm going for just because of the glam? 2) Will he be more expensive? (I hate to consider this but in the real world money especially thousands of dollars worth can really make or break us at this point) 3) Although close in location he's still in quite a high traffic area to make getting to his office sort of a pain mid day.
Dr. Yuppy has 11 years experience. Slightly less, but not terrible in my opinion. Great website, great office, no bad reviews but not quite as much press as Dr. Emby, a little out of the way for both of us from our work locations but actually closer to home. Not quite as much glam but still seems high class enough that I sort of feel there might be a possibility of overcharging the average yuppy couple coming to him for help.
And last but not least Dr. Amazing: With an amazing amount of approximately 23 years of experience he blows away the other doctors. But here's the catch...he's no per se an actual RE from what I can tell but simply an OB that has dipped his hands in fertility issues. His clinic seems to do and provide everything that the others do but has has not quite so much press and has just a standard no frills website. On the upside my husband points out that his office has had many referrals from him and that a possible "family discount" may be possible not to mention his usual pricing does offer a "cash" discount which partially thrills the frugal side of me but concerns me on the practicality side. Do I really want the option to use a coupon for the sake of my health? As much as this being a plus I don't really want to choose my doctor based upon a happy hour discount menu if you know what I mean. Oh and I should mention that he is EXTREMELY close to my husband's work which will ideally be the best so that my husband doesn't have to upset his own patients schedule when he has to haul butt down there for a sperm test or possible deposit.
I mean what do they always say? You get what you pay for?
Sigh. I would ideally love to talk to my husband about this until we are both blue in the face and have made a zillion pros and cons lists. Ideally I would love to have the time and money to do initial interviews with all 3 of them and then choose from there but unfortunately I don't have that luxury. So instead I'll do the next best thing...and post a poll. So vote away and let me know your honest opinion about which RE you would pick! Thanks for playing.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Follow Up Doctor Update
Luckily my appt. was at 8:30a this morning so that I didn't have to wait too long for my update. I had also wished that there would be no pregnant women that I would run into today but that was not in the cards. 1 pregnant woman and one woman with 3 children. Oh well. It was a nice idea. I just basically talked myself into knowing that these women could have very well had fertility issues as well but I would never know it. It helped a little. But not very much.
I knew this was going to be a hard appt. and that chances are I would cry somewhere. I cried a little with the doctor but not horrendously that I couldn't get out my questions...and much more with the nurse because she started sharing her story of infertility and how she's been trying to get pregnant now after her last son for 9 years. She didn't really have any advice except to pray and that someday it will happen. I'm not sure I'm buying either but it was nice of her to share her story.
Anyways on to the update. Some of it was a little surprising, a little depressing and a little relieving. But all in all some good information.
I did tell her first off that I passed something and she noted it. I'm not sure if she still considers it a chemical pregnancy since she didn't mention it. She did say I should wait 2 months (again) to get pregnant again. I questioned this since I thought it was a chemical pregnancy and there was possibly less damage to the lining. But she said she still recommended that I wait 2 months so that my body doesn't "reject" the next pregnancy. Which means if I get pregnant in 2 months I will have about the same due date as my first pregnancy. Wow. I feel like I've been here before. Damn it. So she went ahead and examined me...but no ultra sound. I'm sure there is nothing in there anyways. And anything else that would be seen could be looked at later. They took blood to test my levels and I will be returning in two weeks for more blood and to get my annual pap smear.
Anyways my biggest hope and at the same time fear was that she would recommend me to start seeing an RE. I know that sounds weird but I think either way I would have been upset with this because a) if she does recommend it I can't go on thinking that I'm like all the other "normal" women that can do this on her own. b) but at the same time if she went on like I thought she would not counting this as a real miscarriage and saying we can still continue on the same path with her I would wonder if she was really taking my situation seriously.
But in fact she did immediately say after looking at my chart that she would recommend I see an RE if in fact it is financially feasible for us. I was quite surprised at this...don't really know why. She suggested one that is located in between both my husband and my work (which is a whole other story) she said something about him being very very good and that he just was written up in the paper about successfully implanting one of the world's oldest frozen embryo. Which we both laughed at. :) I'm wondering if by chance she actually used him for her pregnancies because I know she had her children after the age of 40. Hmmm, she told me to tell him Hi if I do end up seeing him. I guess with someone who can implant successfully the world's oldest frozen embryo there's got to be some chance he can help me with latching on to a current embryo.
Anyways we talked about other options if I were to stay with her...she said she could do some extra testing, possibly use clomid which may or may not strip my lining. etc.... although my husband and I already discussed that we would feel most comfortable (or at least he would - I'm not sure I know what I want anymore) with going to see a specialist no matter what the cost. And I got the feeling that my doctor was pretty much suggesting the same. I need to note for other bloggers who may be reading this that her primary concern was my age. So no need to run to a fertility specialist just because you've had one or two miscarriages. It's really an individual case basis I think. She said that if I were in my 20's it would be different story and that I would have time to wait. But she said that after the age of 38 it gets really hard (which is actually 2 years older than I am) and time is of the essence. And with me obviously not getting pregnant on the first try anymore...time is money. Hmmm well I think everything is money now.
I also asked her about some of my other things I was going to try and was quite surprised by her comments. I will also ask the RE though for a second opinion because my ob tends to be a little more cautious in some areas and less cautious in usual areas. For example she told me with my first pregnancy it was okay to eat sushi (meaning raw fish sushi) but to not eat fish more than once a week to cut down on the mercury. I have yet to hear a obgyn say this but due to my sushi compulsion I was thrilled. Although with caffeine she said to absolutely have none. Not even a cup here and there. Which is quite the opposite of what your read out there these days. So I'm curious to see what the RE says about the following questions I asked my OB.
1) Aspirin...will it help for me to take baby aspirin. She said absolutely not and I should not take it. WHAT???? She said that this is prescribed on a case by case basis and that I should be very careful since it could cause many problems and told me about a woman she just saw having problems with additional bleeding because of aspirin. Okay so now I'm completely confused by what I should do ... so I guess I'll hold off on that until I see the RE. I thought it was the wonder drug.
2) Acupuncture...what do you think of it? Her answer...Waste of time. REALLY???? Again so different than what I would expect...I mean I think acupuncture helps a lot of people and really believe in it. If she were an older doctor I wouldn't be so surprised. But she's young(ish) and and of Asian decent to boot...which of course doesn't always matter. But I was quite surprised that she didn't think much of it...Her opinion: it's a waste of time...especially in my condition. She said I can't afford to wait for things like that. Interesting. So much for having something to take my mind off things. And bummer since my insurance covers acupuncture. Is there anything she believes in that my insurance DOES cover?
And I should note that as I got more feedback I felt more and more like this is a race to the finish line. I know I'm no spring chicken but hello I'm not completely old yet! In my mind I felt impatient because I feel like I've been going through this forever. First waiting to get pregnant...then getting pregnant...then waiting to miscarry...then waiting to heal from miscarrying and then starting all over! But when there's someone else getting impatient...and someone that is your doctor...you know it's not all in your mind. You seriously need to haul ass on this. I guess this was the depressing part.
3) ANA level: Not sure if everyone is up to date on this, I think I've mentioned it before but I don't dwell on it too much. Basically to make a long story short, I have a slightly elevated ANA level for a couple of years now. This could mean many things but for my particular case it's not Lupus or anything else it's just slightly elevated. Apparently tons of people have it slightly elevated and live normal lives all the time it just that it happened to be caught on a test that was given to me during a routine physical and it was flagged. (Most people don't even get tested for this and so they don't ever know this is slightly high) So I see a rheumatologist every 6 months to make sure nothing is changing. And nothing has. When I had my first pregnancy my rhematologist ran many tests to make sure nothing would interfere and all came back good. So I have to suspect this is not causing a problem...but I always like to throw it out there. Again she said she didn't believe it had any connection.
So those were pretty much my top 3 and she answered the rest with the referral of the RE. Now I'm just waiting for my husband to call for an update so that we can discuss which RE to go to...the one he got a recommendation for (have no idea where he is located) or the one that can transplant a thousand year old embryo. Hmmm. I'm voting for the old egg guy...I think.
Now if I can just stop worrying about how much all this mess is going to cost us. I know it's our child and if we really want it, it's what must be done but in my mind I see us going through thousands and thousands of dollars with no end in sight. I'm very much a planner and am most comfortable when there are no unknowns. And this is pretty much a big unknown right now. I know everyone's case is different but does anyone have a guesstimates on how much let's say a full blown IVF treatment is? I mean I don't know if that's the route I'll be taking but let's just say? As well as testing etc. Any info as always is much appreciated.
Well I'm off to clean my house from top to bottom...It's what gets my mind off of things and since I have the day off today (cough cough...from being sick) it will help me get through my thoughts. Boy do I have a lot of them going on in my head.
I knew this was going to be a hard appt. and that chances are I would cry somewhere. I cried a little with the doctor but not horrendously that I couldn't get out my questions...and much more with the nurse because she started sharing her story of infertility and how she's been trying to get pregnant now after her last son for 9 years. She didn't really have any advice except to pray and that someday it will happen. I'm not sure I'm buying either but it was nice of her to share her story.
Anyways on to the update. Some of it was a little surprising, a little depressing and a little relieving. But all in all some good information.
I did tell her first off that I passed something and she noted it. I'm not sure if she still considers it a chemical pregnancy since she didn't mention it. She did say I should wait 2 months (again) to get pregnant again. I questioned this since I thought it was a chemical pregnancy and there was possibly less damage to the lining. But she said she still recommended that I wait 2 months so that my body doesn't "reject" the next pregnancy. Which means if I get pregnant in 2 months I will have about the same due date as my first pregnancy. Wow. I feel like I've been here before. Damn it. So she went ahead and examined me...but no ultra sound. I'm sure there is nothing in there anyways. And anything else that would be seen could be looked at later. They took blood to test my levels and I will be returning in two weeks for more blood and to get my annual pap smear.
Anyways my biggest hope and at the same time fear was that she would recommend me to start seeing an RE. I know that sounds weird but I think either way I would have been upset with this because a) if she does recommend it I can't go on thinking that I'm like all the other "normal" women that can do this on her own. b) but at the same time if she went on like I thought she would not counting this as a real miscarriage and saying we can still continue on the same path with her I would wonder if she was really taking my situation seriously.
But in fact she did immediately say after looking at my chart that she would recommend I see an RE if in fact it is financially feasible for us. I was quite surprised at this...don't really know why. She suggested one that is located in between both my husband and my work (which is a whole other story) she said something about him being very very good and that he just was written up in the paper about successfully implanting one of the world's oldest frozen embryo. Which we both laughed at. :) I'm wondering if by chance she actually used him for her pregnancies because I know she had her children after the age of 40. Hmmm, she told me to tell him Hi if I do end up seeing him. I guess with someone who can implant successfully the world's oldest frozen embryo there's got to be some chance he can help me with latching on to a current embryo.
Anyways we talked about other options if I were to stay with her...she said she could do some extra testing, possibly use clomid which may or may not strip my lining. etc.... although my husband and I already discussed that we would feel most comfortable (or at least he would - I'm not sure I know what I want anymore) with going to see a specialist no matter what the cost. And I got the feeling that my doctor was pretty much suggesting the same. I need to note for other bloggers who may be reading this that her primary concern was my age. So no need to run to a fertility specialist just because you've had one or two miscarriages. It's really an individual case basis I think. She said that if I were in my 20's it would be different story and that I would have time to wait. But she said that after the age of 38 it gets really hard (which is actually 2 years older than I am) and time is of the essence. And with me obviously not getting pregnant on the first try anymore...time is money. Hmmm well I think everything is money now.
I also asked her about some of my other things I was going to try and was quite surprised by her comments. I will also ask the RE though for a second opinion because my ob tends to be a little more cautious in some areas and less cautious in usual areas. For example she told me with my first pregnancy it was okay to eat sushi (meaning raw fish sushi) but to not eat fish more than once a week to cut down on the mercury. I have yet to hear a obgyn say this but due to my sushi compulsion I was thrilled. Although with caffeine she said to absolutely have none. Not even a cup here and there. Which is quite the opposite of what your read out there these days. So I'm curious to see what the RE says about the following questions I asked my OB.
1) Aspirin...will it help for me to take baby aspirin. She said absolutely not and I should not take it. WHAT???? She said that this is prescribed on a case by case basis and that I should be very careful since it could cause many problems and told me about a woman she just saw having problems with additional bleeding because of aspirin. Okay so now I'm completely confused by what I should do ... so I guess I'll hold off on that until I see the RE. I thought it was the wonder drug.
2) Acupuncture...what do you think of it? Her answer...Waste of time. REALLY???? Again so different than what I would expect...I mean I think acupuncture helps a lot of people and really believe in it. If she were an older doctor I wouldn't be so surprised. But she's young(ish) and and of Asian decent to boot...which of course doesn't always matter. But I was quite surprised that she didn't think much of it...Her opinion: it's a waste of time...especially in my condition. She said I can't afford to wait for things like that. Interesting. So much for having something to take my mind off things. And bummer since my insurance covers acupuncture. Is there anything she believes in that my insurance DOES cover?
And I should note that as I got more feedback I felt more and more like this is a race to the finish line. I know I'm no spring chicken but hello I'm not completely old yet! In my mind I felt impatient because I feel like I've been going through this forever. First waiting to get pregnant...then getting pregnant...then waiting to miscarry...then waiting to heal from miscarrying and then starting all over! But when there's someone else getting impatient...and someone that is your doctor...you know it's not all in your mind. You seriously need to haul ass on this. I guess this was the depressing part.
3) ANA level: Not sure if everyone is up to date on this, I think I've mentioned it before but I don't dwell on it too much. Basically to make a long story short, I have a slightly elevated ANA level for a couple of years now. This could mean many things but for my particular case it's not Lupus or anything else it's just slightly elevated. Apparently tons of people have it slightly elevated and live normal lives all the time it just that it happened to be caught on a test that was given to me during a routine physical and it was flagged. (Most people don't even get tested for this and so they don't ever know this is slightly high) So I see a rheumatologist every 6 months to make sure nothing is changing. And nothing has. When I had my first pregnancy my rhematologist ran many tests to make sure nothing would interfere and all came back good. So I have to suspect this is not causing a problem...but I always like to throw it out there. Again she said she didn't believe it had any connection.
So those were pretty much my top 3 and she answered the rest with the referral of the RE. Now I'm just waiting for my husband to call for an update so that we can discuss which RE to go to...the one he got a recommendation for (have no idea where he is located) or the one that can transplant a thousand year old embryo. Hmmm. I'm voting for the old egg guy...I think.
Now if I can just stop worrying about how much all this mess is going to cost us. I know it's our child and if we really want it, it's what must be done but in my mind I see us going through thousands and thousands of dollars with no end in sight. I'm very much a planner and am most comfortable when there are no unknowns. And this is pretty much a big unknown right now. I know everyone's case is different but does anyone have a guesstimates on how much let's say a full blown IVF treatment is? I mean I don't know if that's the route I'll be taking but let's just say? As well as testing etc. Any info as always is much appreciated.
Well I'm off to clean my house from top to bottom...It's what gets my mind off of things and since I have the day off today (cough cough...from being sick) it will help me get through my thoughts. Boy do I have a lot of them going on in my head.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Operation Miscarriage...Complete
Well yesterday as I suspected, was the day I passed (I hope) everything. When I got up in the morning I went from no cramps one minute to completely in pain the next. It was about an hour and a half until I had to be at work so I just sat watching this great show (about matchmaking and millionaires?) drinking tea until the cramps subsided. Only they didn't. All of a sudden I had this horrendous pain like someone was pulling my insides out. It went on for about 20 minutes. I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I found what must have been a small sac. I could see that it was different from all the other "stuff" It was sort of jellylike and clearish...at least that's what I could make out...but deflated of course. I couldn't really see anything inside it but then again it was a lot of other stuff if you know what I mean. As many others said I felt instant relief after and have had only some regular cramping here and there after. I wouldn't say it was quite like a very heavy period. I would definitely say though that it was much more painful than any AF I've ever experienced. I don't know exactly what wasn't or was implanted but I think that if there wasn't any implantation, as they say happens in Chemical pregnancies, I'm thinking I wouldn't have felt like my ovaries were being torn out of me.
Last night was the first night in about a week and a half that I didn't have any night sweats. I've just been outrageously hot every night waking up in a pool of sweat even though I'm wearing just shorts and a t-shirt to bed and the heat is off. Very weird. Must have been the hormones though from that little sac because last night I slept comfortably.
I thought about keeping the remains for testing (if that was even possible) but I think it's what is in the sac that needed to be tested. How could they tell anything from just the sac? Well anyways I decided that it wasn't worth it and didn't keep it. It's a wonder they can test anything with all that gook around. I'd hate to have that job. Although it would be interesting to find out what the outcome of miscarriages are.
Anyways my plan continues to go ahead and call in sick tomorrow and go to my doctor's appt. Hopefully she can shed some light on some things. The hubby and I have been talking a lot about our options and he has gotten a referral from some friends at work (those details I'll save for another post) to an RE that is supposed to be really good. He thinks we should just go straight to him for help although that would mean having no insurance coverage I think because he's outside the network. My insurance covers very little for infertility in the network and definitely nothing outside the network. So my plan is to get as many tests from my current ob (which is covered) and then possibly transfer those results to the new RE. I also want to pass some ideas/questions by her tomorrow to see what she thinks. Like most women with this issue part of me just wants to try again hoping that this was all just 2 strokes of bad luck and the other part of me thinks no you need to see a specialist for a second opinion. I have a feeling my ob is going to consider the chemical pregnancy not a true second miscarriage. That's what I heard the norm is. Now REs definitely consider a 2nd miscarriage, even if a chemical pregnancy, an issue. But I'm wondering is it because there is business at stake? Although I'd like to not think suspiciously of REs as well as not put a price on our future child...but I wonder if some of them prey on hurt women to make an extra buck. I don't know it's just a thought. I guess I would feel differently about it if it was something that was covered and I knew it wasn't such a business.
Anyhow I'll post more on the details of my questions tomorrow. And hopefully the answers my ob will have. Wish me luck that my levels are all down and there are no further issues.
Last night was the first night in about a week and a half that I didn't have any night sweats. I've just been outrageously hot every night waking up in a pool of sweat even though I'm wearing just shorts and a t-shirt to bed and the heat is off. Very weird. Must have been the hormones though from that little sac because last night I slept comfortably.
I thought about keeping the remains for testing (if that was even possible) but I think it's what is in the sac that needed to be tested. How could they tell anything from just the sac? Well anyways I decided that it wasn't worth it and didn't keep it. It's a wonder they can test anything with all that gook around. I'd hate to have that job. Although it would be interesting to find out what the outcome of miscarriages are.
Anyways my plan continues to go ahead and call in sick tomorrow and go to my doctor's appt. Hopefully she can shed some light on some things. The hubby and I have been talking a lot about our options and he has gotten a referral from some friends at work (those details I'll save for another post) to an RE that is supposed to be really good. He thinks we should just go straight to him for help although that would mean having no insurance coverage I think because he's outside the network. My insurance covers very little for infertility in the network and definitely nothing outside the network. So my plan is to get as many tests from my current ob (which is covered) and then possibly transfer those results to the new RE. I also want to pass some ideas/questions by her tomorrow to see what she thinks. Like most women with this issue part of me just wants to try again hoping that this was all just 2 strokes of bad luck and the other part of me thinks no you need to see a specialist for a second opinion. I have a feeling my ob is going to consider the chemical pregnancy not a true second miscarriage. That's what I heard the norm is. Now REs definitely consider a 2nd miscarriage, even if a chemical pregnancy, an issue. But I'm wondering is it because there is business at stake? Although I'd like to not think suspiciously of REs as well as not put a price on our future child...but I wonder if some of them prey on hurt women to make an extra buck. I don't know it's just a thought. I guess I would feel differently about it if it was something that was covered and I knew it wasn't such a business.
Anyhow I'll post more on the details of my questions tomorrow. And hopefully the answers my ob will have. Wish me luck that my levels are all down and there are no further issues.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Doctor Update
So I've been quite irritable all day long, basically snapping at people left and right, here at work and outside, although I have warned them that I'm not feeling well and that I think I may be "coming down" with something.
Ha. If they only knew.
So I still hadn't heard back from the doctor this morning so I waited til lunch to call again. At this point I didn't really care to talk to her. I assumed I would save the good questions until Friday. All I really want from her is my drugs.
So I call the office and the stupid message service answers. My conversation goes something like this.
"Hi I'd like to leave a message AGAIN for dr. C since she didn't call me back yesterday."
"Sorry mam unless this is an emergency we recommend you to call back after 1:30p."
"Does miscarrying count as an emergency?"
"Are you miscarrying????" (alarm sounding in the male operator voice)
"Well technically yes."
"Right now????!!!! You are miscarrying?!"
"Uh well yes all week long if you want to get specific...Okay listen here's my message...I understand that Dr. C maybe be awfully busy dealing with many viable pregnancies right now but I don't really need to talk to her. All I would like if she'd be so kind to tear herself away from one of them for a second, and prescribe me some Tylenol Codeine, if it's safe to take that is without causing me to bleed to death, I would be forever grateful. That's it...Thanks."
"Uh...okay...I'll leave the message"
"Thanks"
I think I probably scared the crap out of that guy and he'll probably go home today thinking that he definitely doesn't get paid enough to take these calls. But hey, I'm beyond sugar coating at this point. Quite frankly I'm just terrified that I'll blurt out my other thought that has been in my head all day which is, "Will everyone please move out of the way before I bleed all over your friggen floor." (today at the grocery store) or even better "Heads up miscarrying woman coming through." (parking lot at grocery store).
Moments later while I was still driving back from the grocery store during lunch my doctor calls. Hmmm nice timing. So I pull over.
Her verdict?
Chemical Pregnancy.
The dreadful C word. So of course I started bawling on the phone and she said she was sorry etc. Anyways she said to still come in on Friday...although with betas that low she said that she wouldn't be able to see anything on the ultrasound but she wants to take another beta to make sure that my levels are going down properly. Of course at this point I think an ultrasound (which would probably have to be done vaginally) would not be the most comfortable and probably quite messy. I did ask if I could have some Tylenol w/C and she said that I wouldn't even need it...it would just be like a really heavy period. She didn't really seem to think that I would really be expelling anything major either, just a lot of tissue. Part of me was actually comforted to know that because it's supposedly a chemical pregnancy this might be a little easier to manage than what I was expecting. I'm not as scared of being in so much pain I can't even drive home from work. Although I still plan to call in sick Friday. It also seems that there will be less issue with any scarring etc. And best of all I'm thinking I won't need to wait 2 months to start trying again. And there will be no D&C. Of course I'm saving all these questions for her on Friday plus more. There's a list being compiled if you will.
So I leave you with this question (which I will ask her as well). I've gone through and dr. googled chemical pregnancy of course...and am confused by how this is defined. Many define this as a pregnancy that never implants. Okay, fine I'll buy that. BUT. When I look up when hcg starts to rise it says "as soon as implantation takes place". So I ask you this (and I know this is probably a sore subject all around since chemical pregnancies seem to be the bastard children of miscarriage), how would one's hcg rise (even to such a low level - but still above 10) and implantation not take place? Any takers on this? I'll leave you to ponder. Hmmm.
Thanks again for following along and all your great input. By the way Meg, I'm totally up for that vodka fertility smoothie.
Ha. If they only knew.
So I still hadn't heard back from the doctor this morning so I waited til lunch to call again. At this point I didn't really care to talk to her. I assumed I would save the good questions until Friday. All I really want from her is my drugs.
So I call the office and the stupid message service answers. My conversation goes something like this.
"Hi I'd like to leave a message AGAIN for dr. C since she didn't call me back yesterday."
"Sorry mam unless this is an emergency we recommend you to call back after 1:30p."
"Does miscarrying count as an emergency?"
"Are you miscarrying????" (alarm sounding in the male operator voice)
"Well technically yes."
"Right now????!!!! You are miscarrying?!"
"Uh well yes all week long if you want to get specific...Okay listen here's my message...I understand that Dr. C maybe be awfully busy dealing with many viable pregnancies right now but I don't really need to talk to her. All I would like if she'd be so kind to tear herself away from one of them for a second, and prescribe me some Tylenol Codeine, if it's safe to take that is without causing me to bleed to death, I would be forever grateful. That's it...Thanks."
"Uh...okay...I'll leave the message"
"Thanks"
I think I probably scared the crap out of that guy and he'll probably go home today thinking that he definitely doesn't get paid enough to take these calls. But hey, I'm beyond sugar coating at this point. Quite frankly I'm just terrified that I'll blurt out my other thought that has been in my head all day which is, "Will everyone please move out of the way before I bleed all over your friggen floor." (today at the grocery store) or even better "Heads up miscarrying woman coming through." (parking lot at grocery store).
Moments later while I was still driving back from the grocery store during lunch my doctor calls. Hmmm nice timing. So I pull over.
Her verdict?
Chemical Pregnancy.
The dreadful C word. So of course I started bawling on the phone and she said she was sorry etc. Anyways she said to still come in on Friday...although with betas that low she said that she wouldn't be able to see anything on the ultrasound but she wants to take another beta to make sure that my levels are going down properly. Of course at this point I think an ultrasound (which would probably have to be done vaginally) would not be the most comfortable and probably quite messy. I did ask if I could have some Tylenol w/C and she said that I wouldn't even need it...it would just be like a really heavy period. She didn't really seem to think that I would really be expelling anything major either, just a lot of tissue. Part of me was actually comforted to know that because it's supposedly a chemical pregnancy this might be a little easier to manage than what I was expecting. I'm not as scared of being in so much pain I can't even drive home from work. Although I still plan to call in sick Friday. It also seems that there will be less issue with any scarring etc. And best of all I'm thinking I won't need to wait 2 months to start trying again. And there will be no D&C. Of course I'm saving all these questions for her on Friday plus more. There's a list being compiled if you will.
So I leave you with this question (which I will ask her as well). I've gone through and dr. googled chemical pregnancy of course...and am confused by how this is defined. Many define this as a pregnancy that never implants. Okay, fine I'll buy that. BUT. When I look up when hcg starts to rise it says "as soon as implantation takes place". So I ask you this (and I know this is probably a sore subject all around since chemical pregnancies seem to be the bastard children of miscarriage), how would one's hcg rise (even to such a low level - but still above 10) and implantation not take place? Any takers on this? I'll leave you to ponder. Hmmm.
Thanks again for following along and all your great input. By the way Meg, I'm totally up for that vodka fertility smoothie.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Operation Miscarriage...The Countdown Begins
Drum roll...
2nd Beta = 25
(1st = 39)
Sigh. I have come to the realization that this baby has long vacated the premises and will not be with me for much longer.
It was really hard for me to hear that number but I can't say I was surprised. As my husband says (he has a medical background, although not in obgyn ... unfortunately...wow never thought I'd hear myself say that) we are lucky that it's not inching up little by little because that would probably mean it was ectopic. So at this point we are cautiously relieved that at least I'm not in jeopardy of losing a tube or something.
This morning I did get to the pharmacy before work and did purchase my progesterone. I also thought about possibly getting the beta numbers before doing that but the problem there was that the test results weren't due back until after noon. But the progesterone needed to be taken in the morning. I decided that in the long run if I did purchase the progesterone I would still be able to uses it next time around and even better would have it on hand so I wouldn't have to wait a day or two to get it from the doctor. So I went ahead and purchased it. But as soon as I administered it I knew it probably would be my last day since I had a lot of dark brown tissue on the applicator when I was done (sorry for the tmi).
Anyways, I was still spotting heavily dark brown but not feeling very many cramps which was good since my main goal was to get as much work done as possible. During lunch cramping started a little but I was okay. I ran to the drugstore picked up my prenatal vitamins and also some super duper thick maxi pads for later in the week so I wouldn't have to rely on my husband picking them up.
I then called my GP at the end of my lunch (since they are closed for lunch from 12-2p) and they didn't have the results yet but were willing to call the lab right then. They called a few minutes later to tell me the news and that I was to contact my obgyn. Yes thanks...I could have figured that out. Called my obgyn and told them the whole story ... AGAIN... but this time with the long awaited 2nd beta results. Meanwhile they said they just got the fax from my GP. They said they'd have the doctor look over my chart and call me tonight. Unfortunately I did not get a call back. So I'm calling tomorrow. At this point I just want to get a prescription for Tylenol Codeine and to just talk over options before I see her on Friday. She can run but she can't hide, because I'm coming in this Friday whether she likes it or not!
I've been going around and around in my head as to which I'd rather have. A D&C or miscarry at home. I think if I can I've now changed my mind to miscarrying at home. The main reason being that this will be my 2nd D&C in 6 months. What will that do to my uterine lining? Even if my doctor is careful? These are the things I want to get her opinion on. I also realize that by miscarrying at home I may not be able to get the remains tested but quite honestly I don't know how much there will be to test anyhow. Based on my hcg numbers either the levels started going down soon after they were going up...or maybe they never actually climbed meaning that the pregnancy never had a chance. I think I would feel differently if I had great hcg numbers, felt plenty of symptoms, was taking progesterone and saw the heart beat and then boom at 9 weeks lost it. I'd wonder what happened. But for this particular pregnancy I just think it was doomed from the beginning since hcg was an issue. What does everyone think? I'd love to know your opinions. Anyways as usual I'm just thinking out loud. If it's even an option I would still like to get the remains tested, who wouldn't if they could. But I can guarantee there's no way the results will come back "normal".
So the plan for tomorrow...is not to take Progesterone. I think my hcg levels speak for themselves and any progesterone taken will just be wasted. I'm also thinking that it might be hindering any movement down there. I would though like to get this on the move if possible sometime around Wed. Although if I can hang tight til Friday I can have an ultra sound to see exactly what is in there. Just to see what exactly I'm going to be passing. I wonder if there's any reason they would cancel my ultrasound. I still want it to see what's going on in there.
Well hopefully I can update more when I talk to the doctor tomorrow.
Thanks everyone for checking in...
2nd Beta = 25
(1st = 39)
Sigh. I have come to the realization that this baby has long vacated the premises and will not be with me for much longer.
It was really hard for me to hear that number but I can't say I was surprised. As my husband says (he has a medical background, although not in obgyn ... unfortunately...wow never thought I'd hear myself say that) we are lucky that it's not inching up little by little because that would probably mean it was ectopic. So at this point we are cautiously relieved that at least I'm not in jeopardy of losing a tube or something.
This morning I did get to the pharmacy before work and did purchase my progesterone. I also thought about possibly getting the beta numbers before doing that but the problem there was that the test results weren't due back until after noon. But the progesterone needed to be taken in the morning. I decided that in the long run if I did purchase the progesterone I would still be able to uses it next time around and even better would have it on hand so I wouldn't have to wait a day or two to get it from the doctor. So I went ahead and purchased it. But as soon as I administered it I knew it probably would be my last day since I had a lot of dark brown tissue on the applicator when I was done (sorry for the tmi).
Anyways, I was still spotting heavily dark brown but not feeling very many cramps which was good since my main goal was to get as much work done as possible. During lunch cramping started a little but I was okay. I ran to the drugstore picked up my prenatal vitamins and also some super duper thick maxi pads for later in the week so I wouldn't have to rely on my husband picking them up.
I then called my GP at the end of my lunch (since they are closed for lunch from 12-2p) and they didn't have the results yet but were willing to call the lab right then. They called a few minutes later to tell me the news and that I was to contact my obgyn. Yes thanks...I could have figured that out. Called my obgyn and told them the whole story ... AGAIN... but this time with the long awaited 2nd beta results. Meanwhile they said they just got the fax from my GP. They said they'd have the doctor look over my chart and call me tonight. Unfortunately I did not get a call back. So I'm calling tomorrow. At this point I just want to get a prescription for Tylenol Codeine and to just talk over options before I see her on Friday. She can run but she can't hide, because I'm coming in this Friday whether she likes it or not!
I've been going around and around in my head as to which I'd rather have. A D&C or miscarry at home. I think if I can I've now changed my mind to miscarrying at home. The main reason being that this will be my 2nd D&C in 6 months. What will that do to my uterine lining? Even if my doctor is careful? These are the things I want to get her opinion on. I also realize that by miscarrying at home I may not be able to get the remains tested but quite honestly I don't know how much there will be to test anyhow. Based on my hcg numbers either the levels started going down soon after they were going up...or maybe they never actually climbed meaning that the pregnancy never had a chance. I think I would feel differently if I had great hcg numbers, felt plenty of symptoms, was taking progesterone and saw the heart beat and then boom at 9 weeks lost it. I'd wonder what happened. But for this particular pregnancy I just think it was doomed from the beginning since hcg was an issue. What does everyone think? I'd love to know your opinions. Anyways as usual I'm just thinking out loud. If it's even an option I would still like to get the remains tested, who wouldn't if they could. But I can guarantee there's no way the results will come back "normal".
So the plan for tomorrow...is not to take Progesterone. I think my hcg levels speak for themselves and any progesterone taken will just be wasted. I'm also thinking that it might be hindering any movement down there. I would though like to get this on the move if possible sometime around Wed. Although if I can hang tight til Friday I can have an ultra sound to see exactly what is in there. Just to see what exactly I'm going to be passing. I wonder if there's any reason they would cancel my ultrasound. I still want it to see what's going on in there.
Well hopefully I can update more when I talk to the doctor tomorrow.
Thanks everyone for checking in...
Operation Miscarriage...Get the hell out of my house
Thank you again everyone for your great advice in my comments section. Keep it coming I'm taking it all in!!!
So yesterday was not such a good day. My inlaws came over so that we could all drive together to take my mom out to lunch for her birthday. I felt perfectly fine up to lunch, and then after lunch I really felt sick. I went to the bathroom and found I was spotting again. But a lot more than last time. I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to get home and relax on my easy chair. But it didn't seem that my inlaws wanted to leave just yet. So I alerted my husband that we need to go NOW. My mom sensed something was wrong and asked me what was the matter. I have a feeling (maybe mother's instinct) that she knows something is going on...but I just said my stomach wasn't feeling well. So finally we get everyone in the car and we are on our way home. But STILL the inlaws don't want to leave. I found it so hard to not tell them, "COULD EVERYONE PLEASE GET THE HELL OUT SO I CAN MISCARRY IN PEACE DAMN IT!" Don't get me wrong I love my inlaws dearly. But they don't get hints very well. As soon as we got home my FIL spread out and took the whole couch and my MIL took my chair recliner. There was seriously no where for me to sit. So I went up stairs and curled up on another recliner and just cried. My husband checked up on me from time to time and told them that I just fell asleep and that's why I didn't come by to say goodbye when they finally left.
Funny thing is how much do you want to bet that they think that I'm pregnant because I fell asleep and then felt sick to my stomach. I just know it's what they are thinking.
Anyways I relaxed and waited the rest of the night and just light dark brown spotting was happening and continued this morning. My goal today (God please just help me get through today) is to get to the pharmacist, get my progesterone and get to work. It doesn't help that work will be EXTREMELY busy this week. If I have to call in sick at all which I probably will it will seriously screw things up...but I can't think about that yet. I've read so much on people taking days if not weeks to miscarry that I'm praying, praying praying I can at least get through Wednesday of this week. I'm going to haul ass today at work and get as much as I possibly can done, so that I don't have to stress while I'm miscarrying. Wow. The things you have to fit into your schedule. Not at all like having a baby where you can tell everyone...hey I'm going to be out starting this day because I'm going to be in labor. How about a miscarriage leave people? Why don't we have one of those? I could really use it.
So yesterday was not such a good day. My inlaws came over so that we could all drive together to take my mom out to lunch for her birthday. I felt perfectly fine up to lunch, and then after lunch I really felt sick. I went to the bathroom and found I was spotting again. But a lot more than last time. I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to get home and relax on my easy chair. But it didn't seem that my inlaws wanted to leave just yet. So I alerted my husband that we need to go NOW. My mom sensed something was wrong and asked me what was the matter. I have a feeling (maybe mother's instinct) that she knows something is going on...but I just said my stomach wasn't feeling well. So finally we get everyone in the car and we are on our way home. But STILL the inlaws don't want to leave. I found it so hard to not tell them, "COULD EVERYONE PLEASE GET THE HELL OUT SO I CAN MISCARRY IN PEACE DAMN IT!" Don't get me wrong I love my inlaws dearly. But they don't get hints very well. As soon as we got home my FIL spread out and took the whole couch and my MIL took my chair recliner. There was seriously no where for me to sit. So I went up stairs and curled up on another recliner and just cried. My husband checked up on me from time to time and told them that I just fell asleep and that's why I didn't come by to say goodbye when they finally left.
Funny thing is how much do you want to bet that they think that I'm pregnant because I fell asleep and then felt sick to my stomach. I just know it's what they are thinking.
Anyways I relaxed and waited the rest of the night and just light dark brown spotting was happening and continued this morning. My goal today (God please just help me get through today) is to get to the pharmacist, get my progesterone and get to work. It doesn't help that work will be EXTREMELY busy this week. If I have to call in sick at all which I probably will it will seriously screw things up...but I can't think about that yet. I've read so much on people taking days if not weeks to miscarry that I'm praying, praying praying I can at least get through Wednesday of this week. I'm going to haul ass today at work and get as much as I possibly can done, so that I don't have to stress while I'm miscarrying. Wow. The things you have to fit into your schedule. Not at all like having a baby where you can tell everyone...hey I'm going to be out starting this day because I'm going to be in labor. How about a miscarriage leave people? Why don't we have one of those? I could really use it.
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