So Apparently Miracles Do Happen Around Christmas...

Before the excitement begins I should definitely start off by saying, No I am not pregnant, or at least not that I know of right now....

This miracle is actually of a completely different nature but just as much a miracle if I do say so myself.

I don't often write about my work in my blog because quite honestly it's just not something I like to give a lot of time and energy to. But because this is such a miracle I just have to post it somewhere.

Yesterday for the first time in a very very very long time I received some expected, dropped out of the sky, unbelievably good news. And it just might have made my Christmas blow not so much.

Let me start from the beginning. In a nutshell I have the worst boss in the world...you think your boss is worse. I doubt it. Think devil*wears*prada but instead of prada it's talbot. I seriously wanted to start writing a book at one time titled MY DEVIL WEARS TALBOT. And it would be all about my crazy ass boss. She's everything you can imagine. And a lot worse...not to mention she is horrendously inept at what she does. Not to mention rude, tacky and socially disabled. Recently I've felt sorry for her actually. At times I want to meet her parents just so I can tell where THEY went wrong.

Anyhow yesterday I was brought in by her, closed door and all and she told that there was being a reorganization and that my department would now be under a different wing...and so therefore I would have a new boss and she would no longer be my boss. Seriously I thought I was dreaming...it was all I could do to keep from crying. I wanted to go hug my new boss if I could. It was UNBELIEVABLE to say the least.

I have been on cloud 9 since yesterday and today they officially announced it.

The first thing I thought seriously was...if this act of God, because that is exactly what this has to be, could happen then getting pregnant and keeping it can't possibly be beyond this. Seriously...it's that good of news.

Yay, finally something to be merry about around christmas :)
Yes Virginia, there truly is a Santa Claus :)

Ahhh CD 20 - 7DPO

....1/2 done with this 2 week wait. Can't wait to get this month over with. Of course there's part of me with the naive hope but then the other part of me knows that no miracle is going to come of this month and that I'll be left somewhere after christmas with no baby to look forward to and mourning my miscarriage on the due date.

On a complete random side note...or well on the topic of miracles, I happened to catch a bit of the story of Jesus on television (must have been a slow night) and I was wondering...you know how stories get switched around over the years? What if Mary didn't actually have a child thru immaculate conception...but rather the story changed over the years (similar to the game telephone) as it was passed down and what actually happened was that Jesus was actually considered a miracle child because he was born unto an infertile couple? Hmmmmm, just a thought. I know I'm diving into a very sensitive religious area for some but what if!!??? Hey! It could happen! Not that would mean that the other things he did couldn't have happened...but I never could quite wrap my head around the immaculate conception part.

Anyhow...I digress...

FF.com says that AF is due on 12/24. I can't really figure out if I hope she's right or if I can hang on for a day or two....my first reaction is won't that friggen be a buzz kill on Christmas eve when I'm with the whole family at my mom's "celebrating" a nice quiet Christmas eve.

But then again if AF hits prior to that evening wouldn't it be nice to get extra buzzed off of wine and drown my sorrows. Quite honestly I think I'd prefer to take 3 tylenol with codeine's at the start of that day and just wake up after New Years. Boy, can't wait to do my New Years resolutions for next year.

I know I'm sounding like a big fat whiner and just like a plain pessimistic thankless infertile...but quite frankly that's exactly what I am...and by the way also...this holiday season just blows, if I do say so myself. I'll be so happy when it's done. Sorry Jesus...no offense.

Searching for Fat in a Lowfat World

So today I was at Whole*foods trying to find my horrendous full fat yogurt to improve my very fertile less diet.

Let me set the stage here...I don't naturally do well with very heavy diary and have been known to even get stomach aches from Ben*and*Jerrys so when this idea ala "The*Fertility*Diet" came along I was both horrified and intrigued.

EVERYTHING I have ever eaten for years dairy-wise has been lowfat, non fat or fat free. Cottage cheese, milk, sour cream, EVERYTHING.

So for the first time ever I sat in front of the yogurt aisle looking for a full fat item. My heart was beating fast and I was scared of the outcome but I was going to stand there and get my full fat yogurt (insert the Nigella accent here) if it was going to raise my cholesterol and kill me right there. And can I tell you...I looked for 20 whole minutes until I found 3 flavors to choose from.

Have we gotten so fat fearful that there litterally is no market for full natural fat? It's seriously unbelievable...no wonder we are all infertile! Almost everything I picked up was either non-fat or low-fat...I almost gave in to the low-fat at the last minute but stuck it out. So now, not only do I not fit into the whole "pregnancy" society, my choice of yogurt preference also labels me as an outcast. Sigh. Will it ever end?

Although seriously, Now that I think about it, hopefully this book doesn't take off because there's seriously not enough full fat yogurt to go around here I tell you.

I did eat my vanilla full fat yogurt tonight...with fresh blueberries and blackberries oh and granola, sweetened with honey. And let me tell you it was pretty darn good! So far I haven't been running for the bathroom, so let's just hope.

Oh and on a completely different note I was at Trader*Joes the other day (you would think all I do is eat) and pretty much started shedding tears just after seeing a father interact with his toddler. What is with me????

I seriously just need to focus on the yogurt at this point...

Okay...I'll Play the Game...

So as everyone should know by now News.week featured a story on the Fertility.Diet last week.
As soon as it arrived to the house (we have a subscription via the hubby's likes - I personally prefer Real Simple). I attacked it. Read through the whole thing...yada yada yada basically about the same thing we've all heard before...don't eat junk food, eat well, exercise and get pregnant. Yeah yeah yeah...

Well, the only thing is, this is supposed to help you ovulate. Okay so here's the brat in me, but what if you ALREADY ovulate (even if you don't do everything the article says) BUT STILL aren't getting pregnant??? What then huh mr. researcher????

I know...I'm a brat and I should be happy I ovulate. So sue me okay? I ovulate. Great...what good is a grocery store if it's never open I ask? I would almost rather (and God please just know to not take me literally on this) know that this was my problem and then go on my merry little way to a fertility specialist (of course I know it wouldn't be this simple obviously)....but noooooooooo I have to endure the perfect cm...and then the perfect ovulation, and then the perfect luteul phase (that's okay if you want to log off from this blog at this point - I deserve it)...and then...NOTHING. ZILCH. ZIP. ZERO. Not a damn thing. Just friggen AF. Makes my mind crazy is what it does... I'll be sitting at work and think...maybe it's his sperm? But then why did I get pregnant once already? Maybe it's my eggs? Maybe I have blocked tubes? And one just happened to squeak by that one time last March??? Every second of the day, every article I read I'm just dying to find something, anything that can explain it!

Anyways so back to the friggen diet thing...so I decided, while God is trying to figure out if I am in fact infertile or not these days I would do everything possible to help support my body in continuing to ovulate. Because we must at least be thankful for that!!!! So I ordered my little solution to all and it should be here by the end of the week or beginning of next week. Let's see how long this lasts...

Oh and God, if you're out there please send me a sign if I'm on the right track...preferably after a week of eating the ice cream on this lovely little diet.

thanks

Round 5...ding ding

And so we are off! To round 5 (month 5). Cycle day 11...I guess I'll start opking. This month we are on mr. quiet ovary ( I think unless my depression has made me lose track). So we'll see where this gets us. Because this is the month of my due date and only because of this I really feel nothing is going to happen. Because quite frankly that just would be too much of a hollywood happy ending...and those just don't normally happen to me.

The tree's up, decorated, and I plan on getting some cards out. Basically just going through the emotions to take my mind off things. I've gotten most of my shopping done and hope to finish up this week.

God please just help me get through this month...

Post Thanksgiving Thoughts

Well I guess it's about time I post this since it's been sitting in my draft box for awhile now!

Thursday:
Lucky for me Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful. No surprise hormonal outbursts, no mini meltdowns. And the absolute best...no having to say what I was thankful about at the dinner table. I can't figure out if my MIL was pretending not to remember or if she just didn't. But I was certainly thankful that we didn't have to go around the table and say what we were thankful for.

Although my husband did say that while all the guys were watching a movie later that night in the other room, my FIL did ask the guys what they were thankful for, and my husband said that he was very proud to say that he was thankful for me and that every day of our marriage he is more and more sure that he married the right girl to spend the rest of his life with. And my BILs and my FIL agreed! I was so touched to hear that. So I guess I'm thankful for having such a great family to be married into :)

Friday:
The hubby and I sort of had our own things we wanted to do this day so we parted ways knowing that we would be spending the rest of the weekend together for our mini vacation. I hit the stores at around 8a and leisurely found some great buys...some gifts for me...and some gifts for others. I then went to see a 10a movie "August.Rush" a movie that my husband refused to see because it got a low score with critics. Very rarely do I take in consideration what the critics are saying because usually I'm right about a movie when I see the trailer...and boy was I right about this one. It was truly such a touching movie. The music, the scenery everything was just so beautiful...and of course the story got to me. Thankfully I didn't pull the hubby in to see it with me. He would have been freaked out to see how much the movie made me bawl. I just couldn't help it. I strongly recommend it as a great weepy, lots of tissues type of movie. Or maybe I'm just overly sensitive these days.


The Weekend:
For Thanksgiving day weekend we (or rather I) thought we were very much in need of a mini vacation, so we packed up and went down to San Diego for the weekend to stay at a favorite spa resort hotel. What I really wanted to do was take my mind off of the looming holidays around the corner and the fact that we still weren't pregnant. Not to mention I was dying for this hotel's famous breakfast smoothies and crab cakes (not all in the same sitting of course). All in all it was just as relaxing as I had hoped it to be. And Saturday night as we sat and had some coffee watching the sun set we got to see the most beautiful full moon ever.

I remember thinking if God can create such a beautiful full moon like this why can't he make something as simple as me getting pregnant happen? Then I went into a whole quandary about which is more complex by "God" standards - making a planet? Or making a living human being...and that was the end of that moment. You'll have to take my word, it was a somewhat magical moment.

Feeling Bah Humbug

Well it's that time of the year and my first Christmas cards have rolled in. Top of the pile is my friend's card with her, her dog and her new baby. Sigh. I hate to be this way but I think I'm going to toss it. I'm feeling especially bitter this season.

And I know for a fact that this will not be the only one, since I know of 2 more off the top of my head that I can think of that will be sending baby pics. I think I'll keep those though, one is my friend that also had a miscarriage the first time and then took 9 long months to get pregnant again. God bless her. And then there's my old roommate that went thru hell and back this year with her premature daughter that was born (count 'em) approximately 4 months premature. Ugh. She baaaaaaaaarely made it...and now they are in hiding since the flu season is upon us hoping that she won't get sick and catch something.

It's a crappy world out there I tell you.

I feel terrible for keeping their pictures up but not the one with a perfectly easy healthy pregnancy but quite honestly I just am not strong enough to take it. Maybe next year will be better. Although when I think about it, if one day I send a card out with a baby picture, or errr WHEN I send my baby picture out...I honestly would totally understand if someone threw mine out. Sometimes feeling human is all you can cough up. That's how I'm feeling these days.