Ha! that's what my splenda packet said this morning. If only it were true. So I'm at CD 11 today no sign of the surge. I'm totally confused now because if my cycle is going to be 25 days like what it was this last time my ovulation tests should be positive now and they are not showing anything. So I'm hoping that everything is going back to normal and I'll be a nice normal count of 28 this cycle with a day 14 of ovulation. One can hope right?
Last night I dreamt all night of a vacation trip to Hawaii (Maui to be exact) even though I have no plans of going anytime soon because who can plan a trip when you can't even plan when you're going to friggen ovulate. It was really weird though because on my trip I actually had a 1 year old with me...well maybe a little younger...like 9 months. It was a girl and she was awfully cute. We were staying at the Four Seasons, because I vowed last time I was there for my honeymoon that I would stay there longer than 2 nights next time and hell if you're dreaming I guess why not pick the best. Of course the weather was beautiful and I even dreamt of holding her on my lap on the way there (hmmm do you need to buy plane tickets for babies that age?) And she was very good...she was already eating a little bit of soft foods (would that be about 9-10months? lord knows I haven't a clue since I can't even reach the pregnancy stage yet) and we would strap her down in the car seat in our rented convertible with her cute overly large sunglasses and sun hat...We even took her to a luau and I was feeding her some type of mashed sweet potato stuff or something. She seemed to love the action going on the stage but then fell asleep when it got a little later. So vivid, it was really strange. I'm sure it's just my mind and it's delusional dreams but what a lovely one it was. Maybe if I continue thinking positive thoughts like this something positive is bound to happen. Aloha.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
TGIF!
Okay all I can say is thank god it's friday. This week seemed to drag on forever. Tomorrow morning I'm going over to visit my friend at her new pad by the beach...can't wait! We plan on doing a little brunch, with some mimosas hopefully (since after all I'm not even near ovulating yet according to the evil pee stick) and then a bit of shopping. Whoo hoo. Nothing like alcohol and spending money to get your mind off the obvious. Then I need to speed over to my hair appt. at 3:15p to get my bi-monthly (give or take) sneak at trying to get some color in before I try my hand at another cycle and can't color for the rest of the 1st trimester...which of course seems ridiculous at this point...but okay I'll play the game.
Oh where are the days where ovulating did not plan my life. My wine drinking, peeing, vacationing, hair tinting and who knows what else bows to the egg. Nothing happens unless the egg says it can. That's that. Thus my new ticker. Pretty spiffy eh? Thought I would choose something a little springy...although the cross bones and scull were quite tempting.
Then Sunday I'm on to a whole day with the hubster and maybe some lunch with the in-laws...who I love (I know weird huh?) Oh yeah and the egg says I've got to do my house painting this weekend. So therefore I will...
Oh where are the days where ovulating did not plan my life. My wine drinking, peeing, vacationing, hair tinting and who knows what else bows to the egg. Nothing happens unless the egg says it can. That's that. Thus my new ticker. Pretty spiffy eh? Thought I would choose something a little springy...although the cross bones and scull were quite tempting.
Then Sunday I'm on to a whole day with the hubster and maybe some lunch with the in-laws...who I love (I know weird huh?) Oh yeah and the egg says I've got to do my house painting this weekend. So therefore I will...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
And the trek continues...
...that is into baby making. Sigh. Oh how I wish I were still in the naive baby making stage. Not really worrying about the exact day of ovulation...just go go go you know. Sigh. Anyways this week is ovulation week. Hmmm. I'm trying to feel more positive, but it's awfully difficult. And I have to admit I've been pondering taking a month off of this whole mess but I guess it's far too early for that I suppose. Only month 4 hmmm, how many months of torture do I have to go thru to get pardoned a month off I wonder. Probably at least 6.
Oh and by the way, no phone call from the doctor yet. If I don't here from her by tomorrow I'm hunting her down. I mean times a wasting here.
Okay I'm going to log off now...this post is borning even me so much I can't handle it.
Temp this a.m. was 97.something
Oh and by the way, no phone call from the doctor yet. If I don't here from her by tomorrow I'm hunting her down. I mean times a wasting here.
Okay I'm going to log off now...this post is borning even me so much I can't handle it.
Temp this a.m. was 97.something
Monday, November 5, 2007
And Here We Are Again...Monday
I remember back when I was like 7 and thinking that time could not possibly move any slower. And then (like everyone else does) thinking back in my 20's that I couldn't even possibly make time stop from flying by!
I must be in the infertility black hole of time...the 2nd chance of having time stand still because that's how I feel these days. I guess I should be happy that I'm in my 30's ...prime of life and literally time is completely standing still. God I just remembered that this coming spring I will be 37. That's practically 40. Okay so now time did just fly. Is it possibly that the months are just dragging by but the years are flying? hmmmm.
Anyways, another monday another dollar I suppose. I spent a good portion of the morning in my office searching for the perfect ring tone songs to attach to both my boss and my mother's numbers on my cell phone. Productive eh? I came up with 2 that I'm quite fond of. I settled on the looming darth vador song for my mother from Star Wars (which my husband found hysterical, when I played it for him at home)...you know Dum dum da dum da dum ...oh forget it...hopefully you know which one it is.
And the second one I thought was super appropriate for my Devil Wears Talbot boss (hopefully you get the picture) The wicked witch of the west song from Wizard of Oz. Gotta love that one. I figure this was pretty safe since she wouldn't ever be calling me and hearing the tone at the same time. Same with my mother, although I probably wouldn't care if she knew.
So this took me to about noon, and the rest is pretty much filler.
But I did skip over a very important task early this morning and that was to leave a message with my OB/GYN. I decided late last night, as it slowly dawned on me, as I sat and studied my charts, that my cycles are growing increasingly shorter. I've gone from 36 days right after my D&C, to 30 days, to 29 days to 28 days and this last one was 25 days. What the hell? Now grant it I of course have no idea what my cycles were before I started TTC because my life was full of well...life if you will and not tracking friggen mucus and menstruation and temping all the time, but that's besides the point. But I'm thinking I would have noticed if they were 25 friggen days. I mean I think I did ovulate around day 12...I THINK so that would have made an okay luteal phase right? (the fact that I even know what a friggen luteal phase scares me ... what a tangles web I've weaved) but if by chance I did ovulate later that would be cutting it obviously close.
So anyhow I decided in a moment of panic last night that I would call my doctor first thing this morning and all embarrassment aside would confess to her my dwindling cycles before my luteal phase is literally down the toilet. And let her decide whether to be concerned or not. Luckily I have such a great doctor's office. I mean even though she's incredibly busy they try to accommodate and not make you think like you're losing it. When I talked to the nurse today I started explaining to her matter of fact about all the different lengths and that I'm a little concerned (okay a lot) and that I'd like to know the doctor's take. She explained that she would pull my chart and the doctor may not call me today but possibly tomorrow. I was happy. Now let's see if I can get through talking to my doctor without crying tomorrow. One thing I do like about her is that she's all business. She doesn't put on this mothering sympathy attitude which just breaks me. Whenever I have someone feeling sorry for me that just makes me cry even more so I think it's a good thing that she's a tough cookie. Although I guess it's from all of her experience with infertility. Somehow I ended up by pure accident picking a doctor that specializes in infertility. What are the friggen chances I tell you. So I guess that's a good thing...I guess if that's what I need.
Anyways so we'll see what the good ol' doc thinks about my dwindling cycles.
Now, just in case, I'm carrying around print outs of my cycles in my purse. How sad...I used to carry around my outlook calendar printouts in case I was called for an interview when job searching...now I'm reduced to temp grids. God what will it be next.
Speaking of... I started Operation Grapefruit Juice this evening. I'm not sure how much to drink but I figure if I rotate it with my green tea it's got to help somewhat. If you're wondering what in God's name is she talking about it's my recent findings that some say grapefruit juice helps with the CM flow. I'm not sure if I'm having issues with a cm flow but I figured can't hurt just in case.
So I'm all set for cycle 4. I've got my ovulation wands, my grapefruit juice, my decaf green tea (because green tea is good for fertility but caffeine is not), my temp charts and my prenatals. Oh yes and the official sponsor of this cycle #4 - Pre.seed...I think the only thing I'm missing is a partridge in a pear tree. I'll need to research that before we include it in our batch of tools.
I must be in the infertility black hole of time...the 2nd chance of having time stand still because that's how I feel these days. I guess I should be happy that I'm in my 30's ...prime of life and literally time is completely standing still. God I just remembered that this coming spring I will be 37. That's practically 40. Okay so now time did just fly. Is it possibly that the months are just dragging by but the years are flying? hmmmm.
Anyways, another monday another dollar I suppose. I spent a good portion of the morning in my office searching for the perfect ring tone songs to attach to both my boss and my mother's numbers on my cell phone. Productive eh? I came up with 2 that I'm quite fond of. I settled on the looming darth vador song for my mother from Star Wars (which my husband found hysterical, when I played it for him at home)...you know Dum dum da dum da dum ...oh forget it...hopefully you know which one it is.
And the second one I thought was super appropriate for my Devil Wears Talbot boss (hopefully you get the picture) The wicked witch of the west song from Wizard of Oz. Gotta love that one. I figure this was pretty safe since she wouldn't ever be calling me and hearing the tone at the same time. Same with my mother, although I probably wouldn't care if she knew.
So this took me to about noon, and the rest is pretty much filler.
But I did skip over a very important task early this morning and that was to leave a message with my OB/GYN. I decided late last night, as it slowly dawned on me, as I sat and studied my charts, that my cycles are growing increasingly shorter. I've gone from 36 days right after my D&C, to 30 days, to 29 days to 28 days and this last one was 25 days. What the hell? Now grant it I of course have no idea what my cycles were before I started TTC because my life was full of well...life if you will and not tracking friggen mucus and menstruation and temping all the time, but that's besides the point. But I'm thinking I would have noticed if they were 25 friggen days. I mean I think I did ovulate around day 12...I THINK so that would have made an okay luteal phase right? (the fact that I even know what a friggen luteal phase scares me ... what a tangles web I've weaved) but if by chance I did ovulate later that would be cutting it obviously close.
So anyhow I decided in a moment of panic last night that I would call my doctor first thing this morning and all embarrassment aside would confess to her my dwindling cycles before my luteal phase is literally down the toilet. And let her decide whether to be concerned or not. Luckily I have such a great doctor's office. I mean even though she's incredibly busy they try to accommodate and not make you think like you're losing it. When I talked to the nurse today I started explaining to her matter of fact about all the different lengths and that I'm a little concerned (okay a lot) and that I'd like to know the doctor's take. She explained that she would pull my chart and the doctor may not call me today but possibly tomorrow. I was happy. Now let's see if I can get through talking to my doctor without crying tomorrow. One thing I do like about her is that she's all business. She doesn't put on this mothering sympathy attitude which just breaks me. Whenever I have someone feeling sorry for me that just makes me cry even more so I think it's a good thing that she's a tough cookie. Although I guess it's from all of her experience with infertility. Somehow I ended up by pure accident picking a doctor that specializes in infertility. What are the friggen chances I tell you. So I guess that's a good thing...I guess if that's what I need.
Anyways so we'll see what the good ol' doc thinks about my dwindling cycles.
Now, just in case, I'm carrying around print outs of my cycles in my purse. How sad...I used to carry around my outlook calendar printouts in case I was called for an interview when job searching...now I'm reduced to temp grids. God what will it be next.
Speaking of... I started Operation Grapefruit Juice this evening. I'm not sure how much to drink but I figure if I rotate it with my green tea it's got to help somewhat. If you're wondering what in God's name is she talking about it's my recent findings that some say grapefruit juice helps with the CM flow. I'm not sure if I'm having issues with a cm flow but I figured can't hurt just in case.
So I'm all set for cycle 4. I've got my ovulation wands, my grapefruit juice, my decaf green tea (because green tea is good for fertility but caffeine is not), my temp charts and my prenatals. Oh yes and the official sponsor of this cycle #4 - Pre.seed...I think the only thing I'm missing is a partridge in a pear tree. I'll need to research that before we include it in our batch of tools.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Easy as Pie...
So I just got finished reading another blogger's journal on Live.journal and I just can't fathom how simply easy it is for some. I mean don't get me wrong. I wish her the best and am so happy that her pregnancy is going well. But I just can't fathom how simple things can go for people.
For example her main challenge was getting her husband to agree to start TTC. And so when she finally accomplished that it seemed that she simply starting charting and then walla!!!! She's pregnant! Oh yay! I mean, yes, yay...I'm happy for her and all but geeeeeeez why is there no yay for me? I mean I know that I someday will probably have a positive again. I mean I'm trying to stay positive of thinking that a positive is right around the corner. But some days it's just so hard. Today she posted her first ultra sound pics...11 weeks. And she gets a pic of what looks like a real baby. Simple as pie. Step 1: chart. Step 2: TTC. Step 3: BFP. Step 4: Wait 11 weeks. Step 5: ultra sound of a real baby. Simple as Pie. I swear I'm trying to follow the 5 step program...But where's my pie???? I'm even using the fancy pie making tools. Like charting and ovulation tests and tea and whatever else it takes. I should have a super duper deluxe pie right? *sigh* I've never been very good at baking, I suppose that might be the problem.
Oh well, here's to pie for thanksgiving...hopefully.
For example her main challenge was getting her husband to agree to start TTC. And so when she finally accomplished that it seemed that she simply starting charting and then walla!!!! She's pregnant! Oh yay! I mean, yes, yay...I'm happy for her and all but geeeeeeez why is there no yay for me? I mean I know that I someday will probably have a positive again. I mean I'm trying to stay positive of thinking that a positive is right around the corner. But some days it's just so hard. Today she posted her first ultra sound pics...11 weeks. And she gets a pic of what looks like a real baby. Simple as pie. Step 1: chart. Step 2: TTC. Step 3: BFP. Step 4: Wait 11 weeks. Step 5: ultra sound of a real baby. Simple as Pie. I swear I'm trying to follow the 5 step program...But where's my pie???? I'm even using the fancy pie making tools. Like charting and ovulation tests and tea and whatever else it takes. I should have a super duper deluxe pie right? *sigh* I've never been very good at baking, I suppose that might be the problem.
Oh well, here's to pie for thanksgiving...hopefully.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
And Do a hear a Month 3 a Bust!...
...Why yes I do! So like 5 minutes literally after I finished my post on Thursday did AF arrive. LITERALLY. I closed my laptop and got up to clean the kitchen...had some major cramps and there you have it. Month 3...gone.
Oh well it was a nice thought while it lasted I suppose. Now at least I know I can get my hair colored next weekend without fear. And I can partake in my usual sushi raw fish feast that happens everytime AF arrives along with some alcohol thrown in there for fun. Which of course makes no sense with my other goal of losing 10 pounds for every month that passes. I think I lost about 3-4 pounds with the last cycle...although I probably just gained it all back plus more with the Red Lobster lunch I just had. *Sigh*
So as usual here are my goals for Cycle 4:
Oh well it was a nice thought while it lasted I suppose. Now at least I know I can get my hair colored next weekend without fear. And I can partake in my usual sushi raw fish feast that happens everytime AF arrives along with some alcohol thrown in there for fun. Which of course makes no sense with my other goal of losing 10 pounds for every month that passes. I think I lost about 3-4 pounds with the last cycle...although I probably just gained it all back plus more with the Red Lobster lunch I just had. *Sigh*
So as usual here are my goals for Cycle 4:
- Lose 10 pounds
- Cardio at least 15 minutes per day for 5 days a week. Hmmm wonder if I do 45 minutes one day if I can count that as 3 days. I think so!
- Pre-seed will be the official sponsor of Cycle #4 I've decided. I figure hey if what you're doing isn't working try something new.
- Paint the house inside.
- Continue to temp.
Down but definitely not out...
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Torn... at 14 DPO
So I know I said that I would test again on Friday, which is tomorrow and 15 Dpo (that is given that I actually ovulated on day 12). But my body today has been giving into my fears and I just don't know now. Today I woke up to a drop in temp to 98.0
Still in the 98 area but baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarely hanging on. I do everything very cautiously in life so I'm sure my body works by the same standards and just plans to cautiously dip down each day until AF arrives when it's all the way down the chart. Or so I'm thinking.
All day long I really didn't feel much...although I'm still getting the nauseous feeling after I eat...every single time. What is up with that? I seem to always have nausea and cramping after I eat. But no other symptoms. Maybe peeing a little more than I think I usually do but I'll just chalk that up to wanting to making sure AF hasn't arrived (which it's not supposed to until Sunday really).
So anyways now fear has overcome me and I can't get myself to take a hpt. Why is it so easy when it's early but as I grow closer I'd just rather get the bad news from AF I think than a very impersonal pee stick that says "NOT PREGNANT". I didn't even bother to pick up any today at the store so I literally I have no way to test tomorrow morning. The whole reasoning that made so much sense just days ago about the progesterone and my doctor seems completely unrealistic today. I feel i'm nose diving into negativity...
Where's my damn "Secret" dvd...
Still in the 98 area but baaaaaaaaaaaaaaarely hanging on. I do everything very cautiously in life so I'm sure my body works by the same standards and just plans to cautiously dip down each day until AF arrives when it's all the way down the chart. Or so I'm thinking.
All day long I really didn't feel much...although I'm still getting the nauseous feeling after I eat...every single time. What is up with that? I seem to always have nausea and cramping after I eat. But no other symptoms. Maybe peeing a little more than I think I usually do but I'll just chalk that up to wanting to making sure AF hasn't arrived (which it's not supposed to until Sunday really).
So anyways now fear has overcome me and I can't get myself to take a hpt. Why is it so easy when it's early but as I grow closer I'd just rather get the bad news from AF I think than a very impersonal pee stick that says "NOT PREGNANT". I didn't even bother to pick up any today at the store so I literally I have no way to test tomorrow morning. The whole reasoning that made so much sense just days ago about the progesterone and my doctor seems completely unrealistic today. I feel i'm nose diving into negativity...
Where's my damn "Secret" dvd...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
