Waiting to lay an egg.

So not much has happened since my KY meltdown. Except that time has passed and yet another cycle is here. I used to be very excited about starting another cycle because it just meant either that I was closer to trying or that I would be able to try and that this very well may be the month. Well that quickly faded and now my pessimism is all that is left behind. At least last month I had the excuse that the KY was the reason for no pregnancy. But what if this time it isn't. I didn't even use "pre-seed" except for one time. Just in case. Ugh. The more I make my way through this time in my life the more I acknowledge that my thoughts on this will continue to be up and down (although primarily down) until I actually have delivered a fully intact healthy child. And until then it's going to be ugly.

One thing that has helped me feel a little better is an email I got from my friend out of state. She was actually the last one I needed to tell about the miscarriage and didn't yet. I just ran out of steam by the time I got to her and secretly hoped that she had forgotten that I told her I was pregnant. She started off by asking when I was due. Lovely. Just Lovely. I again decided to go with the unrelentless hard core truth technique and just told her...nope not due...not now...not anytime soon. She said she was truly sorry and told me that she also had a miscarriage before this child whom she just had a few months ago. I was truly surprised. Although I know deep down that I'm obviously not the only one...but to me I really feel like all the others are in blog land somewhere and that none are people I know. She told me how she tried for 9 months after and finally was in tears and exhausted and just took a month off and got pregnant then. Yeah we all know how often that happens...whatever. Although I do give her credit for waiting 9 months. I would have given up at 6.

So this last weekend was the big "when will the egg drop" time. Which really irritates me because my ovulation predictors weren't working as well as I'd like. A couple of times I got a slightly stronger line but not like in the picture. So we've basically been on surge watch night and day around here. I've come to the conclusion that my body is hiding the egg drop on purpose. There were a few days of complete fear that I wouldn't ovulate this month but then the line got a little darker so I decided in my delusional state that this would count and that I must be ovulating. Whatever. So here I wait...now the long haul during the post ovulation period. Please god please let this be the month.

Another Day Another Melt Down - Damn KY Jelly to Hell

So while everyone is off BBQing and boating and such this labor day weekend guess what I'm doing? Having yet another melt down about ... get this... Lubricant. Yes our friendly pal KY. That's right. This morning I woke up and had this uncontrolable desire to look up the effects of KY on sperm. It's weird how I just get this inner voice that tells me to research or check on certain things. It's like my inner conscience or if you believe in the after life, Silvia Brown's spirit guide. I've always felt mine was a guy named Ethan. Don't really know why though.

So anyways Ethan, or God...or my crazy paranoia whispers to me this morning, "shouldn't you look up what this warming gel has in it?". Of course there were 3 ingredients that I'd never heard of before. I looked up the first one and found out that it was equivalent to some type of antifreeze!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL? I'm trying to get pregnant with ANTIFREEZE?!!!! Well that friggen can't be good!

It was all down hill from there...reading report after report on google sites how although KY shouldn't be used for protection against getting pregnant and it's not a spermicide it definitely doesn't help fertility and basically makes the little spermettes imobile until they just flat out die. Nice...reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally nice. (insert Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer here) "ALL THINGS I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOWN ABOUT BEFOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!"

So after sobbing uncontrollably to my husband after my findings saying how I killed our unborn child with KY I finally picked myself up and did the only thing I could think of to get my mind off things. Going shopping. Later we went over to a BBQ at my inlaws and now I'm home.

I sort of have accepted that there's no way in hell that I'm probably pregnant now. I mean we used it like every single time. The poor things didn't have a chance. Not to mention starting last night my minor cramping and twinges had gone away and I didn't feel a thing anymore. I guess it's retarded but unless I actually feel something I feel that I'm not pregnant even though the first time I'm sure I didn't feel much either. Anyhow I'm feeling sort of sore and crampy now but I have a feeling it's just my ovaries shrinking from the friggen 112 degree heat we are having here over in California these days.

So I'm making a pros list about this to help me thru...so next week on 9/11 when my lovely AF is due...and she comes riding into town in all her glory and my lovely egg is literally flushed down the toilet and I'm ripe for another melt down I can look at this list and think that maybe this month wasn't the best month to get pregnant...And this is why:

1) I can drink at my brother's wedding. Hell that's got to be good for something. No explaining to people why I can't drink...no playing games. Hell the way I'm going I might say something like "Yes I'm not drinking not because I'm pregnant but because I'm in the delusional phase that I just might be only to find later that I am definitely not and am a loser, thank you for asking and leave me alone alcohol free in my delusional state will you?" Wow if I say this when I'm sober can you imagine what I might say if I'm drunk. This might be fun. Also the fact that I have a hotel room at the same hotel the wedding is at. All I have to do is basically crawl back to the room or a pool cabana (if they aren't all taken by the rest of the bridal party) and I'm set. It'll be like college again only with a husband this time.

2) I can get my hair tinted one last time. I actually did this at the end of July but that was a little too far from the actual ovulation date so I can do better this time so when I get (hopefully) to 12 weeks my hair doesn't look like complete crap. How did I know you aren't supposed to dye your hair in the first trimester but didn't know about the damn deadly KY?

3) I don't have to worry myself about overdoing it with the planning of this wedding. Since I'm in charge of all the planning and coordinating it could be a very tiring and draining day for me. In my alternative universe as a pregnant woman I picture myself the day after conceiving sitting comfortably with my feet up in my girly favorite chair in my living room, sipping caffeine free ice tea and not allowing myself to put one ounce of stress on my body and staying that way for a full 9 months until I have to physically get up and walk to the door to be transported to the hospital for labor. Hey this is my delusional pregnancy and that's how I see it!

4) I can have some of the yummy sushi I helped pick for the appetizers for the wedding. Sushi is per say my weakness most definitely. And although for most people this wouldn't qualify as a pro but for me it's almost as important as air. I don't know how I did it but I got an OB that says that sushi is fine as long as I only have it once a week to limit any mercury going into my body. Of course every where you read it isn't and that it's practically deadly to the fetus if a pregnant woman even touches one piece of Maguro tuna to her lips. Hmmmm wish she would have said the same thing to me about FRIGGEN KY JELLY!

5) Conceiving a baby in Sept. will make it a June baby and therefore theoretically I would be taking June, July, and August off for maternity leave which would be nice because then I could go somewhere like Hawaii with our baby for our anniversary in Aug.. Do people take their babies of 2 months on vacation? (By the way in my pregnant woman alternative universe, I picture my husband and I jetsetting off to Hawaii with our beautiful new born, being upgraded to first class free of charge because we have a newborn, and then arriving at our beautiful Four Seasons Maui hotel which we would then be upgraded to a fully baby proofed suite.) Oh well even if we have to drive someplace it would be fine for me...It would be downright depressing to have to go back to work exactly a month prior to my anniversary but then again it's pretty depressing having to wait a whole extra month to get pregnant because you think you killed your chances with KY jelly. I'm sorry that's getting old right?

So there you have it...my top 5 reasons why getting pregnant next month is better than this month. Does it work for me? Do I really believe these? No. But am I going to have to buy it...yes...and so off I go to invest in some special "seed" lubricant that is "sperm safe" whatever the hell that means. Better luck next time. I'm calling this one a wrap. Friggen Damn Ky jelly.

Bitter Party of One ... this way please...

Well now I've done it. I've gone ahead and scared a perfectly good acquaintance. I guess semi friend. I would say friend but she's my best friend's ex-roommate/enemy and so therefore I probably shouldn't be talking to her this much but she keeps on sending me updates on her new baby. Somehow I got sucked into some email chain and I'm on some distribution list for her life events and silly me actually responded congratulations to the email (just trying to enhance the karma a little...geesh).

Anyways to make a long story short we are emailing back and forth about the birth; c-section or not etc. when of course as I knew it would, it came. The age old question...and so are there any kids in you and your husband's future?

And so I had it you know, I just had it. I responded "well you know that's a very good question! We would certainly like to know!" I tried to not be sarcastic but seriously my hands just flew at the keyboard. It's not like she is a really good friend or anything and only my very good friends were told that I was even pregnant to begin with. But something just made me go off...and tell her the whole sad story how I lost the baby, saw that it had no heartbeat. Still trying...blah blah blah. And ended it with "so that's my story." I did apologize for being so blunt over email but explained that I was just sick of people asking. Which I'm sure didn't make things any better.

I'm bitter...bitter party of 1 (apparently since my husband shares none of my fears).

So I thought about it more and I really feel I still stand behind my email. I mean seriously, here's a little tip for people in general. There's really no reason to be asking the children question. Because listen, chances are if someone WANTS kids, and can HAVE kids, and isn't having ISSUES. Then guess what? You're going to see some friggen kids around. But if there are nooooooooooooo kids around then it either means a) they don't want kids (and so the question is null and void anyhow) b) can't have kids or c) is having problems. And if you're not man enough to handle b and or c then guess what?!!!! Don't friggen ask!

So that's my motto from now.

I don't care if people know I had a miscarriage (except for my work due to issues that could complicate my career (can't have the peeps know about the kids plan to early) but beyond that if you're asking chances are that I'm going to tell you and it's going to get awfully uncomfortable for you. And that's fine with me because I'm tired of being uncomfortable about this and making everyone else comfortable. I'm tired of playing the game...responding "oh we might" or "oh we are thinking about it." Helloooooooooo at my age no one is thinking about it ... they just haul ass and do it! So if it's not done...then guess what...there are issues! Issues that are none of your damn business! I'm telling you, this pregnancy thing is making me wiser by the minute.

Wait till someone asks how I'm feeling when I actually finally get pregnant. Can't wait to talk in detail about the constipation! Ugh.

Back from a busy weekend of Ovulating

God I'm tired.
And I'm sure so is my husband. I was pretty much going along quite positive about my ovulating until Sunday night hit and all went to hell. I just had a melt down and for no reason. Well except for the fact that I'm desperately trying to get pregnant as fast as I can so I can see if the new baby lives so that I can see if I'm doomed for life.

It's a lot of hurry up and wait I guess. Thank God I have my brother's wedding to help plan to take my mind off things.

Anyways, back to my melt down. For some reason I just woke up Sunday feeling that this ovulation period was going to finish and that I wouldn't be pregnant. Instant terror. Almost the type that wanted me to go home and just attack my husband and say "Get me pregnant damn it!" I don't know who that person was but it was terrifying and depressing all at once. My husband asked why I was crying and I explained how I'm nervous that I'm never going to get pregnant and that even if I do I'm never going to carry to term. And he was astonished I felt this way! :O How could he think I don't have these thoughts??? Come on!

Anyways he did remind me that I was acting illogically and that due to my mini meltdown it was probably due to me already being pregnant and the hormones going thru me. Well I doubt that but I thought it was a good try and making me feel better. Completely illogical (in my book) but a good try nonetheless.

And so now we wait...10 days...the longest 10 days ever. 10 days till despair and heartache? Or 10 days to a positive which will lead to continuous worry and fear. Hmmm is there a 3rd option because both of these suck.

Right now I'm just trying to listen to my body. I'm whispering to it...tell me...tell me...what's going on in there? I can envision cells dividing as if it were my last hope on earth. Like if I envision it, it will actually make things happen. I'm feeling sort of crampy but who knows that could be my lovely layers in my uterus waiting to shed away. I feel gas bubbles but who knows that could be all the raw broccoli I've been eating lately. Did I feel like this before? I can't remember. Those were the innocent days when I didn't pay attention to what my body was doing. Is there something really going on down there or am I just delusional and hoping that something is going on down there? But there's the heart burn in my stomach...I remember that from last time...it was weird there was a heat all the time from my stomach...not like a pain but just like a burning heat. Watch it be a damn bladder infection. God I'm pathetic...

Oh well more to come I guess...

Praying for my own sticky bun...

So the pressure is on...
this weekend is THE weekend. The big "O" weekend. It's quite funny actually because before we turn into bed every "other" night my husband yells out "honey I'm ovulating!", which makes light of our situation and makes me feel better for not being the hounding wife. How romance flourishes after infertility I'll never know but I'm lucky to have a husband with a good sense of humor I guess.

So although the stakes are high I think I might have as good chance as anything of hitting the mark with this cycle. I'm sorry to say this for others that just can't seem to get a BFP but I tended to not have that problem in the past. I actually got pregnant on the first month trying (go ahead make the gagging gesture, I deserve it) unfortunately that's my only claim to fame and keep on telling myself that only to make me feel better about my down fall which is the fact that I obviously can't KEEP a pregnancy. Minor detail. Which sometimes I feel is so much worse. Just the pain of getting the positive and having it ripped away from you is so much to bare. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side.

So let's hope this is a "positive" weekend that will go by fast and be quite productive, with a sticky bun in the oven that will be there for the long hall.

The Countdown begins

And so tomorrow is the first day of my "fertility week". I've felt a little strange today. I've had terrible thoughts on having another miscarriage again. I guess this is pretty normal but it comes and goes with me and today has been a bad thought day. Some days I feel really positive and just know that my next pregnancy will be happy and healthy and everything will turn out just fine. And then some days I'm just in this super dark place thinking that I will be one of those people that are teased with easy pregnancy only to lose each one after another, with all the doctors completely baffled by why this is happening to me.

I guess the real reason I go back and forth is because the luck of the draw seems to go back and forth. As we all know there is no rhyme or reason and even the doctors say so. There's always those couples that have been infertile with no end in sight and then simply one day they get pregnant naturally...then there are those others that seem like everything is normal and just can't. It's like there's no guarantees no matter what.

It's like playing the baby lottery. Well I certainly hope I play better at this than I do at the real lottery. Cuz I haven't one anything on that one yet either. Damn.

Wow is time Flying...finally

Can't believe that we are half way done with August. Just to update I decided to cheat early and start trying just a few days before the 2 month mark our doctor gave us. My theory was that if indeed I was the unsual 35 day cycle the first few days of August I would still be in my ovulation period. Or so the ovulation predictors say. If in fact I was actually a normal 30 day cycle then AF would show her face soon and I would get my chance to try again in a couple of weeks anyhow.

And so I counted and waited. I do admit that since she was no where to be seen on the exact day due I took a pregnancy test first thing that morning. Might have jumped the gun a bit but call it hopefully delusional but I thought I might have a chance at being pregnant. No such luck it was a big fat negative making me feel guilty for wasting a test when I wasn't even late. To show me up AF certainly appeared out of no where that evening. And so we are on! 30 day cycles for me it is! Anyways let the games begin yet again! Few more days until ovulation. Let's hope this hurdle is behind us soon.

p.s.
finished almost all of my tasks, cleaned my whole house and finished almost all my wedding planning for my brother's wedding. whoohoo...way to be productive rather than depressed. :)