The Truth blows sometimes

(Warning please excuse the typos and spelling errors - for whatever reason the spell check hasn't been working)

So I realized I never updated my blog about my last ob/gyn appt last Friday. It wasn't anything major...just a quick check of my beta levels to make sure all was back to normal (which it was) and a pap smear for good measure. Yay. What really stood out in my mind about this appointment were two things, okay three. The first being that for the first time ever I was the only one in the waiting room and not once while waiting was there a pregnant woman in there to make me feel uncomfortable. Not that the random pregnant woman walking down the street makes me feel uncomfortable but for whatever reason in that office it does.

The second being that the nurse at the front asked me a few quick questions before bringing me in. Ms. Sushinut how many pregancies have you had? Two I confidentaly say. And how many children do you have? Zero I quietly say. Although I live with this everyday, never before has it been thrown in my face like this. That said I know the nurse wasn't trying to throw this in my face purposely. She was just trying to get the facts straight. And sometimes you have to ask some point blank questions to get those facts. I did feel the blow though...I said it ... 2 pregnancies... Zero Children. I'm O for 2 (is that how they say it in sports?) The question is will I improve throughout the season? Or will I be traded in? I've always sucked at sports. Damn.

The third thing was the conversation with my ob/gyn, which happened to all take place while she was doing my pap. It's probably the only pap that I've ever had where my mind was elsewhere...to the point that when she was done I was honestly concerned she forgot to do it while down there (like what else would she be doing down there though right?). Anyways the conversation was more one sided with me nodding a lot and a few tears here and there. Call it sympathy or call it her willingness to once again get her point across for young women not to wait too long to get pregnant but she shared some personal information about herself. She told me that she too had two miscarriages but at 38 (thus the conversation we had previously about her telling me that starting at 38 it's really really hard to get pregnant - I thought what an odd age to pick? I thought 35 or possibly 40 are the norms listed in research...why 38?). Well now I know...she's talking from personal experience. And although not every woman will have issues at 38, in her mind she sees 38 as the age she experienced issues. For me I see the age as 36. Because that's when I had issues. Hell when I got preganant with my first pregnancy I was actually 35 (just a month before my 36th birthday) so maybe I would argue starting at age 35 would be a problem (which ironically is in line with research out there). Anyways, she told me that after 2 miscarriages she finally had her first successful pregnancy at age 41 but by then she had already adopted a daughter and she was a couple of years old by then. I really was in awe. I guess it's a matter of not really knowing everyone's story but it really threw me. I guess I, like a lot of people, just automatically assume that EVERYONE (including your doctor) is more fertile than you yourself are. So this is why she continues to push genetic testing (will she later tell me that she actually had 3 pregnancies but one was genetically faulty? Hmmm) continues to remind me that I'm in a race against the clock and that if I'm truly serious about this baby thing I will run not walk to the nearest RE. Nothing like the pressure. But at least now I know that her pressuring is not coming from books or research it's coming from first hand experience. Nothing that I'm surprised about of course, it's just nice to know that this can even happen to a doctor. Talk about the lock smith's lock always being broken. Wow that must have been so disheartening for her.

As I left the office, while waiting for all my records to be speedily copied for my RE I noticed a picture on the counter of two young girls. One of them must have been about 8 and one about 6. Those must have been her daughters. Similar in looks but still different I noted how both were beautiful in there own way and that a stranger would never know that one was adopted. I couldn't help thinking that maybe this would be my life 10 years from now. I can't say I haven't thought about adoption but deep down I just always thought I would have a biological child. Maybe there a third option that I haven't thought about yet. Hmmm. I'm sure there's more to come on this topic.