Oh Relatives...aren't they fun?

I'd like to preface this story with some background on my mom, who I speak very little of usually in my blog, for a couple of reasons, one being that she has never really been the most supportive mother (funny how a few of us have that in common) or logical for that matter.

And so the story goes, when we told her (on Mother's day) about our first pregnancy she was unusually quiet..my experience tells me this usually means she is secretly pouting over something, and I knew what this pout would be about... being the center of attention. I thought how could this be the case with this situation too? How could she be jealous of a little unborn grandchild? But deep down I knew this was the case. I was fine with it though, I was used to her non-motherly ways and although it has saddened me throughout my life I feel I'm old enough and confident to get through it. And so later when I found out that I was going to miscarry, being that I didn't know who else to turn to (since my husband was at work and I didn't want to upset him) in a panicked moment I called my mother. While sobbing at home straight from my appointment, she offered the usual backwards thinking "it was meant to be" garbage and when all was said and done with the D&C (that is after telling me she had a D&C - for a completely different reason and that it was in a spa like environment and it won't be so bad - which by the way it friggen wasn't in a spa like environment) she told me specifically that she didn't want to know about any future pregnancies...until 16 weeks along.

And so that my friends is where my 16 week rule has come to be...at least with the parents...the rest of the world can figure it out on their own, I'm not telling a soul until I'm wobbling out the front door on the way to the labor room. And so that's where we left off...last June with her telling me that she didn't want to hear about anything until 16 weeks. Now that I think of it, all of you will know I'm pregnant well before my own mother. Is that sad? Well yes...is it more supportive...yes definitely...I cannot think of a more supportive environment than with the many who have been where I have and many more through far worse.

Well as we all know I've never actually made it to 16 weeks...and so I've stayed silent. As requested. I know she did it so that she wouldn't feel bad about hearing all the terrible details of another lost pregnancy...but I can't help but again think...just another situation where she's protecting herself before offering much needed support.

So didn't I find it ironic when last week I was having dinner with my mom and out of no where (well not quite no where...specifically in the middle of the crowded chinese restaurant) she asks "so you guys aren't having problems getting pregnant are you?" I then mentioned it was a long story and not one quite appropriate for the close quarters of this restaurant. Nor something you want to talk in detail about when eating. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. I suppose not quite the answer she was looking for.


After the restaurant thinned out enough, I told her the whole thing...about the RE, about the testing, about the surgery...about the septum. In her own uneducated state the story seemed to her anyways to point in the direction of her fault. She didn't like that I used the term "birth defect" and also the mention "caused when she was pregnant with me". I know this seems cruel...but I didn't entirely try to console her. And here's the reason why...



For some time now I've been thinking more and more about my mom and her pregnancy with me oh 36 years ago. She was about 10 years my junior and always was and still is the more naive and immature type. As much as I love her because she is my mother I've always looked down upon her for a few key reasons 1) She's the ultimate princess 2) She uses people solely to benefit her 3) She's lazy 4) she's weak and 5) she's egotistical. Of course I say this with as much respect as one could possibly have in this situation...but honestly...it's all true...even ask my dad who divorced her after 30 some years of marriage. It's sad, but true...and honestly I think she's very much okay with being all of the above because she doesn't see any fault in the above. So we all pretty much go along with it. And so here's where we get to my issues of late.

The more I've been pregnant, and the more I've lost pregnancies and the more I've struggled with TTC I've gotten more and more angry with how she naively and selfishly handled her pregnancies. You see, my mom is the first to say she never touched an aspirin while pregnant...although when asked if she stopped smoking she bursts out with "we didn't know any better!" Now I know that there's no direct link with anything that is going on with me now and the fact that she started chain smoking when she was a teenager and continues to this day, and did so through both my and my sibling's pregnancies.. but it angers me to no end that she wouldn't even give up such a terrible habit even at the sake of the safety of her children. What type of parent does that? Yes, I know that people did it all the time and supposedly "didn't know it was bad for you". But I seriously think they did know...how could they not? And as my mom says nonchalantly "well you turned up fine didn't you?" I think it's this nonchalant attitude that really irritates the hell out of me. After all I do ...giving up caffeine, drinking green tea (decaf of course), temping, buying expensive ovulator kits, sex on demand, fertility diet, thousands of dollars of testing, surgeries and who knows what else not to mention what all the other infertiles have had to go through out there...old black lung here continued puffing away and had two successful pregnancies...no questions asked. What the f*cking hell?

And so isn't it odd that my mother has become yet another one of those pregnant fertile women that I despise...you know the women who don't even try and end up drinking thru their first trimester and not even realize until they don't get AF for 4 months???!!!! How jacked up is that I tell you?... Despising my mother for having me successfully even though she didn't take care of herself while pregnant with me?! What kind of messed up infertile am I? And let me tell you it doesn't help that everyday she tells me...well I never had any problems so I don't know what happened to you. Nice...please...got any more daggers you want to stab in my back?


And so...that night, when I saw the worried expression on her face when I said birth defect (which yes I did use purposefully) I didn't stop...I could've, I should've, but I didn't...her worried questions only encouraged me...I went on...adding "in the womb...didn't complete...something happened..." and I saw it on her face...she was wondering...was it the smoking? I know it wasn't, and she should probably know...but it just really ticks me off that she never thought about it before...I couldn't help to stick it to her....for all of those thoughtless tactless comments. Maybe I'm a terrible daughter...but deep down I just feel I had to have her feel my same pain that I've been feeling so long. I just feel I'm such a different person now than I will ever be again. I think we can all agree to that. When I think of the conversation in my head again I just think I really wanted her to understand what I was going through. To see where I've been and how I don't want to hear...well it was meant to be, or you can try again or maybe it's because you have a stressful job or any other type of assvice that is issued on a daily basis to all of us stirrup queens.

I feel we deserve more than that, we deserve more than assvice and half hearted support from friends and family who hate you for making them uncomfortable. Who want to be there for the baby shower to show off their grandchild to be but don't want to be there for the down and dirty details of life.

Needless to say I've spoken to her many times since that night...and had her over for Easter even. Not another question has been asked since then. Well if anything it has brought peace and quiet from her. As they say, if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. And let me tell you, it can get damn hot in my kitchen at times.

Happy Egg Laying Day

Or should I say Happy Easter everyone!

Well almost belated Happy Easter at this point.

So this morning I get up (after going to bed at 2a due to getting the house ready for our hosted Easter Lunch) and go to pee on my CBEFM stick...because well it tells me so and basically it runs my life. The friggen thing could tell me to go jump in a pool and I'd probably do it. And so I do...and later when checking my handiwork...I find this fancy little picture...

Holy crap!...I apparently laid an EGG! Or will, so it seems. And just in the nick of time since I was juuuuuuuuust thinking the night before "damn it...$150 and this damn thing is full of it...it's going to say high the whole friggen time like last month and never PEAK! This thing doesn't work! (like how I blame the monitor and not my body?) And then this morning...I get this!!!! yippee!

So I run downstairs to show my husband saying, "Look hun, I laid an egg!"

And you know what he said? He said, "Well of course you did. It's Easter. If not today when?!"

Oye.

Happy Easter everyone, may you all get a special egg of your own.

THE PLAN

So today I had my post-op update and things went pretty well. Well except for when during my ultrasound, my RE got so caught up in the excitement of looking at my ovaries that he moved the wand a little too quickly and I felt like he hit a speed bump inside me at about 60 miles per hour. That was a little uncomfortable...to say the least... but besides that it was pretty optimistic. Men.

So once again he said he was completely surprised by what he found during the surgery because he really didn't know if he would find anything. His instinct said small septum...but boy was he surprised when he found one quite larger than he imagined. He was very excited because otherwise he said there really wasn't much that he could hang his hat on. He went on to show me the step by step pics on the handiwork inside me. Before big fat septum and after shots. I saw a pic of both of my tubes and then the big wall of doom as I'm referring to now. It was big...fat...and white (as he pointed out..because there was no blood in the septum...thus the reason my little embys couldn't be nourished...hmmm makes sense). He said the septum could be categorized as a mid sized one...not a huge buick...but not small a small compact by any means. He said it took up about 1/4 of my uterus. If I trusted myself to remember, I would have asked him dimensions like I know some gals do, but quite honestly I knew I would have dates and other numbers to remember and didn't want to bother.

After the ultrasound we went in his office to talk about THE PLAN, (his words not mine). I loved the fact that he had one...and hoped it was better than the one I've been toting around as of late.

So basically this is the bottom line: I'm still young (God bless him for thinking so), and I obviously can get pregnant. I eagerly piped in reminding him that the first time only took the first month trying (hey it's my only claim to fame thus far and I'm milking it...I feel like that washed up gymnast who won a bronze in 1984 and still totes it around as if it were yesterday...even though it's been like 20 years).

Step 1: Because it was a midsized sedan..or err septum he recommends I go in for another HSG just to make sure everything is clear (great...more dye up the yoohoo) since sometimes if it's rather large they want to make sure everything is gone. I am to call the office to set up the HSG as soon as I start my next cycle (here we go again with the black slacks - look ma can't even see the dye leakage).

Step 2: If everything looks good I can go ahead and try again the same month as the HSG (April). Wow. I asked if this was safe with all the dye hanging around and he said yes perfectly...it's just fluid and does not affect anything...if anything it's even more recommended because they know that they've just checked to make sure nothing has grown back or is still formed.

Step 3: I am to track my ovulation with my fertility monitor (note to self order more pee sticks) and call to set up a progesterone test about a week after ovulation (just for good measure)...and try try again. If after 2-3 months of trying after this first month I'm not PG yet, we'll meet again to see if there's some way he can encourage a faster outcome (aka more big bucks). Ovaries and Ute...if you're listening you better behave...because if I have to pay for an IVF cycle I'm going to kick some major ass.

Things I forgot to ask about and will ask next time I call in:

1. What about the baby aspirin? Do I go on that again?
2. Can I start going to the gym now? I'm assuming this is okay if I don't over do it, the surgery center said it would be fine after a couple of days.
3. Intercourse? I'm going to wait 2 weeks as suggested by the surgery center.

He seemed very matter of fact and quite optimistic and if I'm not mistaken a little excited even. If this works I will love this man forever.

So until then here's my plan:

1. Lose 10 pounds this month and continue until I get pg. (thus the gym question and the new ticker)
2. Get out the CBEFM and dust off
3. Buy more pee sticks
4. Make an appt. to get my hair colored (just in case all this crazy talk does work, I don't want to be caught looking toe up).
5. Continue reading my fertility diet book and load up on the green tea (decaf of course), grapefruit juice and kelp. Yum.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Wow, can't believe it's St. Patrick's Day already. That reminds me it's March. Of course I knew it was March already but it just reminds me that a year ago and a couple of weeks was the first time I got pregnant. My "I got pregnant the first month trying" pregnancy. What a crock. I knew it couldn't be that easy. Nothing is ever that easy for me.


Anyways my post op appt. is tomorrow morning. So we'll see how it goes. I've been feeling sort of weird gassy at times and sort of some ovulating aches but let's just hope that means I'm ovulating this month. I've decided to sort of cop out of the fertility monitor this month just because I practically had to pee on twenty sticks last month and still didn't get any rating higher than high. So I really need to order more before I continue to use my fancy gadget.


Thanks to everyone who has been responding on my blog...I welcome new comers always and will be finding time to stop by and read your stories. So far I've only looked into Kath and I think I'm up to 2006 now. :)

Be back tomorrow with more on my post op.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaack...

First off thank you so much for all your good wishes. You guys are so great...seriously.

So I've been back at home recovering all day and all went better than I expected.
Long story short the doc said that it was DEFINITELY a septum and apparently was bigger than he thought it would be. His exact words to my husband were, "I'm almost certain this was what was causing the miscarriages" and likened my ute to a duplex that now is a studio. Wow...who gets a confirmation like that I tell you? I mean we all wish for it but seriously how often does that happen? I feel deeply appreciative that he is so confident...but the un-trusting infertile in me just isn't ready to let her guard down that easy. But I am happy that I got my moneys worth and that at least one thing is improved. I'm so glad I did it. And you know what...even if there was nothing there I wouldn't be able to sleep at night not knowing...so I would have been glad I did it then as well.

The overall experience was as pleasant I guess as an operation could be. One thing to be said about being a cash patient...the customer service and quality you pay for is beyond anything an insurance company could offer. Makes me even more p.o'd about our medical system.

Anyways I was there so early that I was the only patient in the surgery clinic. It was extremely well decorated and wonderful customer service. I had all the staff to myself...and I was the only one in the place when I came out too. I'm wondering how much business they get but they must do well. Anyhow it was basically like having a mini hospital all to myself. I consider myself very lucky with my operations thus far, as both times I've had exceptional care. By noon I was home and resting. I took a nap most of the day as my lovely drug induced haze wore off...and the last thing I remember when falling asleep was a baby's cry over at my neighbor's house. Although the baby didn't seem especially happy for whatever reason the sound made me smile...knowing that maybe someday I'll hear that same cry in my home. Although I'm not nearly done yet...I feel I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Countdown Begins...

So I'm off to bed now at a mere 10p because I have to get up at the crack o' dawn for my uterus repair job. By the time everyone reads this hopefully all will be over and I'll be in a nice drug induced haze. I'm a tiny nervous but not anything major. It can't be worse than a d&c or a miscarriage at home....that's for sure...What I say? You mean there will be a doctor and drugs in a professionally staffed hospital? Not me on a toilet in major pain praying that I don't bleed to death? FABULOUS. Where do I sign?

Jeeze...How did I get so blunt and crude? When did that happen? Oh yeah...see above experiences.

Anywhoos, of course i've also used my good ol' "I'd rather do this than a public speaking experience in front of 500 people" (the worst thing possible in my book).

So with that at top of mind I'm super psyched.

Here's hoping that my doc can go in and kick some septum ass.

My Horoscope this Month

Random fly by post of interest...

If you are like some Aries, you may now be ready to finally start your family - a sweet little baby may be in your future. You've come a long way over the past two years, a time when taskmaster Saturn toured your pregnancy sector. If you delayed the start of your family, there seems to be no further reason to do so. (You would think!) Even though you may feel trepidation about getting pregnant and being responsible for a new life, your chart shows you are more ready than you think you are.

hmmm ... interesting .... I wonder if my uterus reads horoscopes?