ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

Okay, excuse me if I'm going to swear a lot in this post but WHAT THE HELL?????!!!!

I just received a call right now from my RE's office. He wanted to discuss all my results. So here we have it...

Chromosomes: Normal

All blood tests (from both of us): Normal

Sperm analysis: Normal

HSG: Normal (see previous post) right?....uh hold the phone one second...slightly NOT NORMAL.

WHAT THE &*%$@????

I wanted to ask him if he received the right CD copy...you know the one with fleetwood.mac.

He said that there is an ever so slight dip that could mean there is a very small septum. Again I say.... WHAT????? What happened to the perfect uterus...no septum, no polyps...no blocked tubes???? What the hell????!!!! So I said that to him...that the other doctor said there were no issues. He said he discussed things further with him and he agreed that there is a slight dip but there is no way to tell if there is a septum unless we go in. Oh for crying out loud!!!! What the hell?

I feel totally duped. He'll need to do a Hysteroscopy, to see for sure. If there's a septum he'll snip it...if not nothing will be done. He said normally he wouldn't have issue with something this size but after 2 miscarriages, with no other answers he would recommend getting it done. I remind him about the progesterone low score I had...he says...a pregnancy is not lost at 7.5 weeks due to low progesterone. Ugh. I'm in the same boat as Meg. I feel sort of lame asking him how much this was going to cost but it's what I asked and I was transferred to a nurse. And that was the end of the conversation.

And so I say again...hooray and crap. Well as I said before to Meg (who recently decided to go ahead with the operation) I'd have made the same decision myself...and so I will. They'll be calling me back with the total amount tomorrow and I'll make an appointment. They say it needs to be scheduled right after AF so I'll have to wait one more cycle. Damn damn damn.

Hysteroscopy to make sure you don't miscarry again: $3,500

Successful pregnancy: priceless.

Oh the irony.

HSG Update

Today at 8:30a was my HSG appointment.

Again so terribly nervous, but I got over it. Deep down I really thought I would be okay with this and it wouldn't be so bad, but on Sunday night I started second guessing myself. Luckily it was early in the morning so I could get it over with right away.

The doctor's office only offered valet parking. But the office validated. I should say so...for $350 they better be paying for my parking.

I was there right before 8:15a just as they asked me to. As others had written and recommended, I had taken 3 ibuprofen last night and 3 more about an hour prior to when I thought I would be starting the procedure. I have to say I think this helped incredibly. I highly recommend it.

The office was very nice and everything seemed to run like clockwork. I was seen right on time with no waiting necessary. Well deserved I say for being a cash patient. When they finally took me into the actual procedure room I was very much taken aback by the space. It was more like an Operating Room than a regular room. I guess I was expecting a pap smear environment. There was a very long table in the middle with a ton of what seemed like high tech equipment around and lots of tv screens. Just a tad intimidating. The nurses were all exceptionally nice though and explained in great detail what was going to happen with diagrams and what not.

In addition to this... for $350 I was also given the chance to pick my very own music selection from a random arrangement of cds. There was everything from Jazz to Hip Hop. I seriously did not think this was a hip hop type of procedure. I wanted to ask the nurse what was appropriate for dye being shot up your tubes...but I refrained.

I chose Fleetwood.Mac, which I haven't listened to in forever and in the middle of the procedure, my all time favorite song, when I was 17, started playing... "Everywhere". (For those that don't mute, I've added it to my blog playlist for your listening pleasure). I remember loving this song because it sounded so magical and happy. Little did I know that almost 10 years later I would be listening to this same exact song during a fertility procedure. I would have never guessed in a 100 years.

The procedure itself from start of orientation to explanation was about 40 minutes. The actual procedure probably only about 20. The rest was washing up, prepping and I guess picking out music.

Overall the best I can describe it as was a rather lengthy pap smear with a bunch of xray machines moving around your pelvic area during the time of the procedure.

The doctor was exceptionally great at explaining exactly what was happening and when I could tell him I was feeling uncomfortable and when he could adjust things to help lessen the uncomfortableness. The nurses were extremely attentive and kept checking on me.

I felt a twinge of cramping at the beginning when the dye started going in but honestly their (the doctors and nurses) banter about last nights Oscars, kept me preoccupied. They loved the joke about J. Nicholson...and cracked up when I said that maybe that's what I need to get pregnant, Jack. No offense to my husband of course...yahoo results are not in yet. We all agreed that IVF would be absolutely necessary...no offense to Jack but he's not the young chicken he once was.

Also with my $350 came a handy dandy souvenir. A CD of my pics during the procedure. Not sure if it's got my choice of music soundtrack but wouldn't that be awesome if they did do that. Sort of like when you get married and the video company hands you a disc of the main event. Hmmm. I can just picture it now amongst my wedding video montage, nice touch...I'm sure the inlaws would love to see it. Nothing like capturing life's special moments on film I say. No matter what they may be.

Anyhoos, you might be wondering if I'll ever get to the point of what the outcome was. Well as a matter of fact, in addition, my $350 got me instantaneous results (well worth the money in my book, since I'm so damn impatient) as soon as it was over they sat me up and we all watched the big plasma screens as the doctor went through explaining all my parts. My uterus (incredibly small, probably the only petite thing on my body...besides my wrists that is...I've always had small dainty wrists), my tubes...so tiny they look just like fine hairs. But all in all a very good outcome. The doctor said he was pleased with what he saw and there was absolutely no septum and no blocked tubes and no polyps. Hooray and Damn. That's the best I can put it. Part of me was happy and the other part was frustrated. What the hell could it be? Could it be just bad luck? I'm still waiting on the other test results so I guess we'll have to wait and see. I think they should be in soon and I'm getting ready to pester Dr. Frozen if he doesn't call this week.

Anyways all in all it was an okay procedure. Don't get me wrong it was no walk in the park being spread eagle while people were shoving dye up my privates but all in all not terrible. And for the peace of mind...well worth it.

So there you have it...one more piece of the puzzle added...no answers yet.
Paid valet, beautiful doctors office, no waiting, music of your choice while getting an HSG and commentary on the Oscars...$350

Finding out why you can't carry a baby to term....priceless.

Happy Monday.

CD1 .... IT'S ON!

Well now technically CD2...
HSG scheduled for next Monday 2/25.
Still waiting on all blood results, cell results...and now hubbster's yahoo results. (I'm not sure why I'm calling them yahoos but I think it's fitting).

Now where did I put that Fertility Diet book again???

That's What I THOUGHT...

I honestly don't know when I became a bully but apparently I have bullied AF to come into town! Whoohoo! Today I started in with the brown (ewww way tmi). Although it's not consistent. My new ovulation gadget says that I have to set it the first day of AF...but do I count brown or do I wait for red? And why is my life full of these pathetic queries? Oh well I need 4 AAA batteries for it anyhow so I'll need to pick those up tomorrow so I guess I'll start tomorrow. I believe that would be day 37. I'll show the witch who's boss now. Hmmm maybe I should try this again...okay how about this... "If I don't have a healthy pregnancy with a LIVE healthy baby next BFP I'm going to kick some MAJOR butt!!!!!!!!". Anyone listening out there? Do you hear that ms. cranky ovary and mr. quiet ovary???? Get your act together because I'm not taking it anymore!!!! I'm telling you...shape up or uh...I'm going to get a nice man with a hell of a lot of med school experience to go in there and do what you can't!!!!



Hmmm I can really get used to this :)


Also in response to some recent postings...


How funny Meg I actually thought you had already bought your do-hickie, that's why I got mine! :) Well I'm glad you are getting one...seriously, it's enough that I have to analyze the darkness of hpt lines if I have to do the opk analysis again I'm going to lose it. My OB recommended it too so I figure what the hell. Glad I'm not the only one on the weight gain thing, although I know part of the problem is that I stopped working out in fear of miscarrying (HA) due to pushing my body too hard. So with this last pregnancy I basically made myself (minus going and coming from work) glue my (rather large at this point) butt to my living room recliner for the entire 5-6 weeks I was pregnant. And look at the success I had there! Lovely. I know you (and a lot of other women) can very much relate to the "to exercise or not to exercise" debacle. Oh and thanks for the advice on the IBprof. I think I'll take the same.

And thanks K for posting about your friend's experience with the hsg. I can really use any info I can get. Let's hope that there isn't and tubal issues in my case. That's all I need at this point. I was sort of wondering about the polyps myself. He didn't mention anything but I was wondering if they could see that maybe with the hsg...well I might bring it up if the tests I've been ordered so far don't bring in any real conclusions.

Oh and Fiddle1 (why don't you have a blog?) thanks for the tip on Ms. Planner's blog. I heart her and she is truly my inspiration. We do have very similar stories and it's always nice to hear someone with a similar story that is doing so well. It's one of the main reasons I decided to include her in my blog roll...not to mention that I'm such a planner myself. I guess we have more in common than just our fertility issues. Let's hope I have as much success as she has had.

Oh and I should mention that the hubster goes in to get his yahoos checked tomorrow. He's been calling it "making a deposit". The test is $500. He says that he's going to tell the people that if all works out, he'll pay them this time but maybe next time they can pay him...if you know what I mean. Ugh. Why do all guys have such a confident attitude in this area? Well for both of our sakes I hope he's right! We'll see how it goes. Just one more test to go after this...the HSG...and if AF truly does hit full force we'll be on our way for that as well.

I'm Bored...Can We Get This Party Started Already?

Needless to say I have still yet to see dear ms. AF. What the hell. I'm giving her three more days to get her lazy as* over here and then I'm...well I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm going to be darn mad. Last miscarriage I started up on day 37. A tad late but hey I'll take that over nothing. She has until day 37 to show her face and after that I'm going to kick some butt.

I know there's a ton of tips on how to induce labor (sex, mexican food, walking yada yada yada) but who has the tips on how to start menstruation? I'll friggen jog around the block if I have too.

In other news I received my long awaited new toy today. All the cool kids have one these days so I figured I might as well too. It's the least I can do for myself since I no longer buy myself clothes in fear that I might get pregnant and not fit in them for long (ha!!!!). We won't mention that I continuously have been gaining weight and not losing it after each pregnancy so far. And that I'm now wearing my "a size bigger - for those in between months" pants now just as normal pants, that I bought almost a year ago when I was pregnant before my first miscarriage. NICE. Can my life GET any more pathetic. I'm now in the fat and NOT pregnant group. Fabulous. A true boost to the self esteem.

My First RE appointment

So this last Thursday was my very first RE consultation with Dr. Frozen Embryo. Sorry for the late post but it's taken me awhile to put this together.

I started out the day extremely nervous. I had no idea why and was so bothered by it. This should be a day I look forward to! Finally someone that has some concrete experience, someone that has studied this, someone that won't tell me all is shot to hell. But then I thought, but what if he does tell me that it's all shot to hell? And that my ovaries are doomed and that there's no chance? I know it's an unrealistic scenario...especially for an RE, afterall isn't that what they are here for? To turn things around? But I guess suddenly faced with the opportunity to find out what the hell is going on down there, just threw me into a tizzy.

Finally I got to the afternoon and darted out of my office. I was so lucky that my boss was out of town and I didn't have to explain that I was going to a "Physical Therapy" appt. that may take up to 2 hours. That's my new code name for my fertility appointments by the way. Physical therapy...for my hip that's been bothering me. I came up with it after my hip started hurting me after the gym one week and I had mentioned it to a co-worker. Pretty swift eh? Anyways I digress.

I finally made it over there with limited traffic (which in L.A. is like a friggen miracle). Once I got into the office my husband was already there filling out paperwork. Even though we got there 15 minutes earlier than our appt. we still weren't seen until 4p. I was slightly pissed. I thought if they make us wait more than a 1/2 hour I'm going up there to complain. It's enough that we are paying cash for this whole event but they are making us wait too? I know that it's a little unrealistic to think you're never going to wait but I just was in no mood. I just wanted to get in there and get the info before I changed my mind and ran out. I hated that I had to be there. I hate that our insurance doesn't cover any of this and I hate that my husband decided to sit right next to the "success" picture board. Damn him.

Right at that moment they called us in. Thank God. So to make a long story short I really like him and my husband (who had given me a pep talk before we went in about not giving in and letting him take us for a ride on anything we don't need) liked him too and agreed to all the tests the doctor suggested. I was a little timid about bringing all my info in such as fertility.friend charts (do you know you can print out from there? It's great!) in addition to the records from my ob/gyn for fear of being labled the crazy infertile. But he loved it and said that he very much appreciated everything.

We carefuly went over everything first in my ob's packet. He asked for clarification on tests etc. and jot down notes.

We then moved on to background info. Not too bad there. From what I've read I thought there would have been more explicit questions. But not really. All he really asked is how long we've been married.

From there we moved on to any info I printed out from fertility.friend and we further discussed my cycles. He also noted that I was extremely organized with my printouts. Not really something I could take credit for (except I guess compulsively logging on to the website and putting everything in each day of my cycles. With a VIP membership they offer a really nice print out of all your information in as much detail as you would prefer. I was definitely impressed myself.) And then finally on to my husband in regards to his health and medications he is taking (more on this later).

All in all he said what we were going to discuss was a problem of re-current miscarriage and not infertility because after all it's obvious I can get pregnant (oh sounds super simple mr. frozen embryo please do tell). And so he went on to explain the 6 most common reasons why women have miscarriages and each one's solutions, which I will further list in bullet points below just to help organize my thoughts. By the way thanks to everyone who lists their RE appointments in great detail, I actually reviewed quite a few such right before I had my appointment and it really helped calm my fears. Not to mention reminded me about some questions to ask.

And so here we go:

1. Chromosomal Abnormalities: We've all heard this one before. It's the main thing to blame usually for a first miscarriage...of course when you get to the second or third and so on you start to question what the chances are. This was the first thing he mentioned although it appeared (at least in his opinion) that this is the least common reason among reoccuring miscarriages. I can't really remember the percentage but it seemed like an awfully low number accounting for re-occuring miscarriages. He did mention that although it has been thought in the past that a sperm was healthy if conception occured when all was said and done (or in my husband's view point.."hey I got it there, so it had to be healthy, what happened after that is no longer my neck of the woods") if the pregnancy did not continue it was most likely the fault of something on the women's side. But today they are learning that even though conception does occur a defective sperm can cause a miscarriage and/or chemical pregnancy (by the way he considers a chemical pregnancy a miscarriage as well). This was news to my husband so I will gladly post it here. Anyways this basically is the old "egg/sperm wasn't of great quality" pregnancy would have never continued, story. The solution to this is to check egg/sperm quality. If egg quality is poor he suggested IVF so that he can specifically pick out the strongest ones (both sperm and egg) and fertilize from there. I asked him about clomid but he said that he would not suggest it specifically for me because of the effect it has on uterine lining etc. and the fact that he doesn't think I need it because I'm already obviously ovulating. (My ob was suggesting clomid on the off chance that it would help me spit out a million eggs and hopefully I would catch a good one) but he did caution me about the affect it has on the uterine lining. I was quite happy that he did not want to make me into a crazy egg making machine.
   
   
2. Uterine Septum: Yup, he got out his handy dandy model of a uterus (I truly feel this is done specifically for the husband) and explained how an extra muscle forms and therefore if implantation happens on this septum it could cause miscarriage due to the lack of blood supply in the septum. He noted that this could happen very early in the pregnancy as well as further along. He went on with more detail than that but I'll let dr. google help out with any of you reading that would like more information on this. The test for this is an HSG and the solution is a relatively uncomplicated procedure to remove it (or so he says). Although I'm sure there are all degrees of complications with this but in general he really didn't show any concern. As soon as I get AF (still waiting - currently CD 29) I am to schedule my appt. for this. I asked about the cramping that happens during and he said he'd recommend to take a few IBprofin before. Has anyone tried that? Major cramping scares me a little but I guess I've been through worse at this point.


3. Hormones: Now we're talking. He noted my Level 7 of progesterone at cycle day 21 in November when I was concerned that my cycle lengths were dwindling by the minute. And said that it was definitely low. Although he agreed with the progesterone taking during the beginning of the pregnancy, he advised that this might have been too late already and suggested that I be put on progesterone as soon as I ovulate (I believe that was the timeline he gave). Deep down I still feel this to be the reason I'm miscarrying but maybe it's just because so far it's the only test that I've taken and received a not so great number. And so operation haul in the progesterone is on the list. He is also testing a bunch more hormones for me to see if there are any others lacking. Honestly I can't remember which ones. But he said if there were any others lacking he might suggest "injectables" a word to which I still need to do research on. I'm thinking a whole bunch of shots and some crazy mood swings. How fun. Was I just complaining of major cramping during the hsg? Hmmm how naive of me.
   
4. Blood thinning: I knew it!!!! And then there was much talk about my slightly elevated ANA and the effects of blood clotting etc. And so here's where I asked my baby aspirin question. I was so excited that there was something I could take, relatively cheap, and easy that could possibly be my miracle cure to this. It's all the rave as you know on every fertility website but when mentioning it to my ob she quickly poo poo'd on my parade by strongly advising against it and saying that if anything it might encourage bleeding. And so I mentioned it again to Dr. Embryo. And he said...YES!!! Yes take it by all means starting immediately. Playing devil's advocate I quickly told him about my ob's concerns and he explained that it's not strong enough to cause major bleeding and it definitely helps. Yay!!!! And so I've been taking it religiously since then. I'm to have some blood results from my rheumatologist faxed to him so he can see exactly how okay I am in that area. But in case this might be an issue with blood clotting good ol' Herapin is supposed to be my miracle drug. I know I've read some ugly stories on this somewhere but I can't seem to find them right now. I figure I won't go digging until we have some concrete answers as to if this is the problem. Hopefully all I'll need is the baby aspirin.
   
5. Male sperm issues: I knew it!!!! So I touched on this above but he further explained how now a days we are finding more and more that even not so perfect sperm can lead to conception but then later miscarriage. This was really bugging me this time around because I have to confess I honestly did not think I would get pregnant this last December for one big reason. My lovely hubby completely forgot just days before the high surge time that hot tubs are off limits and spent (he says) about 10 minutes in one. I was furious with him and hounded him to never do it again. I thought for sure nothing would happen. But sure enough I did get pregnant...to which he quickly pointed out...see hot tubs don't affect sperm count or quality! Uh not so fast there buddy. I know it's far fetched but I wonder if this could have caused the last miscarriage. Since then we haven't talked about it again accept for me threatening his life if he goes into a hot tub again. But I did not mention this to the doctor in fear that I sound too naive. My husband did give him info on some medication he is taking (for slight depression sometimes) and the doctor thanked him and said that although in the past it was thought to not affect pregnancies they are finding also that medication taken by the male may very well have an affect. He said the solution to this would either be 1) to stop taking the medication 2) give him another type of medication to inhibit any type of effect of his current medication (didn't get too much info on this) or if it's just a matter of the overall poor quality to I think do an IUI with the best quality of the bunch. Again it's getting a little fuzzy about all what was said but that's the jist.
   
6. Nothing at all: And last but least. When I asked him at the end what he personally thinks is the problem looking at all my information, he said finally that most likely it's the last situation which is that there is nothing at all wrong. That there is a possibility of doing all these tests and finding that everything is humming along. This often times is the most common case scenario he says. Although there are things that can be done to move things along faster (IVF?) if this is the case we should have no problems moving forward on our own.

Let's hope. Well at this point I'm not so sure that the "nothing at all wrong" is quite frankly the best case scenario but it certainly sounds like the cheapest at this point. If I had to vote for something to be wrong it sounds like the progesterone thing and if necessary the septum thing might be my first choices. And so now we wait. They took a bunch of blood from both of us. I got swabbed for my cells on the same day and the hubby has made an appt. next week to give a donation to the "bank". And we are just waiting for good ol' AF to appear so that I can schedule my HSG. Oh the excitement. Care to make a wager anyone on what you think is the issue? Maybe I'll put up another poll... :)

The Truth blows sometimes

(Warning please excuse the typos and spelling errors - for whatever reason the spell check hasn't been working)

So I realized I never updated my blog about my last ob/gyn appt last Friday. It wasn't anything major...just a quick check of my beta levels to make sure all was back to normal (which it was) and a pap smear for good measure. Yay. What really stood out in my mind about this appointment were two things, okay three. The first being that for the first time ever I was the only one in the waiting room and not once while waiting was there a pregnant woman in there to make me feel uncomfortable. Not that the random pregnant woman walking down the street makes me feel uncomfortable but for whatever reason in that office it does.

The second being that the nurse at the front asked me a few quick questions before bringing me in. Ms. Sushinut how many pregancies have you had? Two I confidentaly say. And how many children do you have? Zero I quietly say. Although I live with this everyday, never before has it been thrown in my face like this. That said I know the nurse wasn't trying to throw this in my face purposely. She was just trying to get the facts straight. And sometimes you have to ask some point blank questions to get those facts. I did feel the blow though...I said it ... 2 pregnancies... Zero Children. I'm O for 2 (is that how they say it in sports?) The question is will I improve throughout the season? Or will I be traded in? I've always sucked at sports. Damn.

The third thing was the conversation with my ob/gyn, which happened to all take place while she was doing my pap. It's probably the only pap that I've ever had where my mind was elsewhere...to the point that when she was done I was honestly concerned she forgot to do it while down there (like what else would she be doing down there though right?). Anyways the conversation was more one sided with me nodding a lot and a few tears here and there. Call it sympathy or call it her willingness to once again get her point across for young women not to wait too long to get pregnant but she shared some personal information about herself. She told me that she too had two miscarriages but at 38 (thus the conversation we had previously about her telling me that starting at 38 it's really really hard to get pregnant - I thought what an odd age to pick? I thought 35 or possibly 40 are the norms listed in research...why 38?). Well now I know...she's talking from personal experience. And although not every woman will have issues at 38, in her mind she sees 38 as the age she experienced issues. For me I see the age as 36. Because that's when I had issues. Hell when I got preganant with my first pregnancy I was actually 35 (just a month before my 36th birthday) so maybe I would argue starting at age 35 would be a problem (which ironically is in line with research out there). Anyways, she told me that after 2 miscarriages she finally had her first successful pregnancy at age 41 but by then she had already adopted a daughter and she was a couple of years old by then. I really was in awe. I guess it's a matter of not really knowing everyone's story but it really threw me. I guess I, like a lot of people, just automatically assume that EVERYONE (including your doctor) is more fertile than you yourself are. So this is why she continues to push genetic testing (will she later tell me that she actually had 3 pregnancies but one was genetically faulty? Hmmm) continues to remind me that I'm in a race against the clock and that if I'm truly serious about this baby thing I will run not walk to the nearest RE. Nothing like the pressure. But at least now I know that her pressuring is not coming from books or research it's coming from first hand experience. Nothing that I'm surprised about of course, it's just nice to know that this can even happen to a doctor. Talk about the lock smith's lock always being broken. Wow that must have been so disheartening for her.

As I left the office, while waiting for all my records to be speedily copied for my RE I noticed a picture on the counter of two young girls. One of them must have been about 8 and one about 6. Those must have been her daughters. Similar in looks but still different I noted how both were beautiful in there own way and that a stranger would never know that one was adopted. I couldn't help thinking that maybe this would be my life 10 years from now. I can't say I haven't thought about adoption but deep down I just always thought I would have a biological child. Maybe there a third option that I haven't thought about yet. Hmmm. I'm sure there's more to come on this topic.