The Summer of Nuggets

Tomorrow starts the last week of my maternity leave before I go back to work. I am so completely sad. I really didn't think I would ever say that but I am. If you would have asked me if I would feel this way a few months ago I would have told you I was crazy. I would have given anything to be able to get out into the real world and done anything non-baby. Not that I didn't love my babies it was just a bit much being with them 24/7. But now that they've grown and are becoming so much more verbal and active and less reliant on me on a minute to minute basis I miss them. I know I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom...nor can I afford to be one. But looking back at these four months brings a lot of wonderful memories. Memories that I'm positive I will never forget. I knew this going in...I would tell myself...this is the only time I'm ever going to be able to spend at home with them when they are this little. And I truly tried to relish it but it doesn't make this next week any easier.

They are still transitioning into daycare and have done so wonderfully. Because I've done it slowly all month long they love their daycare. Quite honestly I think they are bored when I keep them at home. So I've been sending them for 4 days a week these last 2 weeks so that they can have fun and that I can get things done. But I miss them so much. On the one day they stay home we do fun things like go to the neighborhood gardens or if it's too hot go to visit an indoor mall. They love getting out and seeing all the people and getting attention. And at the gardens they love just spreading out on the grass (see picture above).

To be honest I don't even know if I would be cut out to be a stay at home mom. I've found that because I am going back to work I've found myself in a sort of strange type of place with other moms. Other moms that work are basically back at work...and stay at home moms have already started forming their own play groups. But most that I know especially in my twins club tend to forget about me because I'm going back to work soon and so maybe they feel it's a waste of time to get to know me. I've tried to invite them to outings that I take the nuggets to but they often have their own plans and invite me but in all honestly it sounds not as quite as exciting as what I had planned so I go my own way. And the nuggets and I have a nice day to ourselves.

On another note in regards to friends I've had a weird sort of experience with all of my old non-parent friends. Most assumed I would never be heard from again after my twins were born but I've made a conscience effort to reach out to them over and over to do things and they either aren't available or don't get back to me. And it's not like I'm one of those moms who's constantly talking about their kids. I make it a point to basically only ask them questions about what is going on in their lives. It's just so irritating. I guess maybe everyone has their own reason. So my non parent friends are not available...doing their own thing, the new mom friends have joined their own groups and I'm left sort of in this twilight zone between being at home with my nuggets and waiting to get back to work. It's quite a weird place to be I tell you. So I'm thinking going back to work may not be such a bad idea.

My to do list is a mile long this coming week. I have no idea how I'll get through it. And to top it all off I'm so incredibly torn with sending the nuggets to day care to get it done or to keep them home more this week to spend time with them. It's just a really hard transition for me...as I'm assuming it is for all moms. Sigh. So for now I'm trying to dearly hang on to all those wonderful new baby memories. The weeks just after they got home from the hospital when everything was new for them and for us. As well as look forward to all that will be coming up with them. I know there will be big changes for us all next year and am so looking forward to them but for now I am fondly remembering these first quiet summer days of just me and the nuggets.

Operation Hair

So since my last post I've been doing some intense post pregnancy hair loss research (after all I no longer have infertility to research so I've got to have something to obsess about) and as with infertility I'm sure I've over done things.

I've heard that there may or may not be some vitamins that can help with lacking nutrients in one's diet that could cause increased hair loss. And so like everything infertility-wise I've gone compulsive as well.

This weekend in addition to my usual prenatals, which I'm still taking I've added some biotin (supposedly makes the hair grow) along with some MSM (never heard of this before but apparently when paired with Biotin it's some super growing solution, along with some Vitamin E (for a shiny "coat"), along with some extra iron (supposedly a lack of iron in the diet of some women post pregnancy can really make shedding extreme - and lord knows I've lost my share of blood with the forever on going bleeding for months), and last but not least tossed in some Vitamin C to boot (which supposedly increases growth as well). I held off on the protein and milk thistle (which is supposed to work in conjunction with the protein) but who knows...next week I may be adding that as well.

Too much do you think?

Ummm yeah I figured so...but I'm giving it all I got. I figure either this intense shedding will stop or I'll have the healthiest, glossiest hair (and yes I do mean just one hair) on my head that anyone's ever seen. I'm sure the wig store will be in awe when they see it.

I found all suggestions (and sympathetic messages) a great deal of help. Thank you. And I'll probably go for that super great cut some day. But right now I'm so in fear that if I go to any salon they'll just butcher my hair by combing it and having it all fall out. Right now I comb it ever so gently in hopes that I don't lose as much (which of course does not make for a neat style. For not only is my hair falling out but it's also turned insanely curly and frizzy. I have hair that's a cross between a rat's nest and an Afro ... lovely. I love when I'm pushing along my double stroller with the nuggets because at least people (well most) will think ... oh yes she was just pregnant so she's losing all her hair because of that...but when I'm without them I just look like some woman going bald. I wish I could take them everywhere!

The other plan of attack is to call my ob and beg for some estrogen. Not sure how that exactly works but I've heard that in some cases when the body is trying to correct it's self a hormone deficiency happens and that is why some women lose more hair than others. I read about one woman who had an ob that prescribed estrogen to correct this. So we'll see what my ob says. Hopefully she won't shoot me down.

As I mentioned to A at Infertility Bites I feel like such a heel talking about this trivial matter when there's so many other women out there dealing with much more important matters but I guess that's what a blog is for to post about what ever you're dealing with at the moment.

At least I'm getting a tad more sleep. The nuggets are sleeping between 4-5 hours a shift a night! That's like pure bliss I tell you. I am completely grateful. Now if I can please have my hair back damn it... and I swear I won't complain about a single thing...well not until teething starts at least.

Bad Hair Day

(Fair warning - this post is rather shallow)

So with all this baby talk I've really not touched on how I'M doing following this successful pregnancy. I'm so happy that thankfully (knock on wood) all is fine with my nuggets and they are growing and thriving. As for me I've been blessed with the ability to easily go down about 15 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight. Of course what you call "pre pregnancy weight" is questionable. Was that this pregnancy? Or the last 4? Friends and people that know me have noticed. "Wow, you've really lost a lot of weight. Seriously... a lot" they say. All I say is yes thanks. I mean I'm still no skinny minnie to say the least since I'm still over weight. But it was nice to lose all that so quickly. I couldn't believe my own eyes when they weighed me at my first post op appt. But low and behold I had lost 30 pounds already. Whoo hoo! Also all my swelling has gone down and my foot issues have all disappeared thankfully. But now a new issue. I knew this could happen but I guess it's so surprising how quickly it started and is increasing. I'm losing my hair...I mean A LOT of hair. I know it's all just extra hair that grew and didn't fall blah blah blah blah. But seriously...with my borderline lupus issue I already had thin hair to begin with. If this continues I just may be bald. I mean I've heard of wash and go hair styles but this is ridiculous! My hair is rather long but I really can't cut it short like some women because of this really retarded bell shape my hair falls into. I had the "Dorthy H@mel" cut for years as a kid and trust me it did nothing for me. I'm continuing my prenatal vitamins and even including extra iron since I had been bleeding for such a long time (more on that fabulous topic some other time). But still to no avail every morning I lose more and more.

So my question to all of you moms who have gone through this is how long does this process take? And when will it stop???? I know there are bigger things to worry about and hate to seem shallow but seriously it's so depressing. I go back to work in 3 weeks and am afraid to even get my hair colored in fear that the chemicals will just make the remaining hair fall out! Eeek! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

100 Days

All through pregnancy I was told by my twins club as well as the nurses in my baby classes to count 100 days from the day of birth and mark a big fat "X" on our calendar. Starting from this date of 100 days the whole baby experience was supposed to get a lot easier. So one day I counted and wouldn't you know it our 100 days landed on 4th of July! A celebration of Independence from my needy new nuggets and the country?! How coincidental!

Well this last weekend on the 4th we celebrated 100 days of the nuggets with close friends and family. It was truly a great time. I'm not going to lie, everyone thought I was nuts for wanting to host a park bbq picnic with twins in tow. Including my husband. But luckily for me he knows better to argue :)

Overall I was exhausted at the end but am so happy I did this. We even went around to everyone with a video camera and asked them to offer life advice to the nugs past 100 days. The advice ranged from sage advice of grandma "to always love each other and never fight" to comical advice from grandpa of "If you love a girl 'boy nugget" the way to her heart is a good restaurant."

So has these post 100 days been any easier? Well, mr. sushinut and I definitely feel it is much easier than the first 30 days but I'm not sure if we've hit full on "walk in the park" status quite yet, let's say.

Everyday I see them I am awed by their existence despite the taxing effort of them both I can't believe how lucky I am to have them here with me. The month of July also marks an important anniversary for me, being the first successful month of pregnancy. It was just a year ago around this time that I successfully became pregnant with the little nuggets and I will always look back fondly on this time. Of course at that time my mind was racing with doubt and anxiety but I had come a long way and as we all do, I hung on to hope. And this time hope came through.

And so how are the nuggets doing now? Well both are smiling up a storm which completely melts our hearts. Especially in the morning they are so incredibly happy. We call it "morning smiles" and if you get up to late you just might miss them! They are both starting to "talk" more. And Girl Nugget has officially found her grasp on things. They are both eager to sit up, "pretend walk" and "pretend stand" with our assistance. I did finally get them into our day care of choice and am so happy I have them there despite the expense. We have been transitioning them about 3 days a week for a few hours a day and they are doing wonderfully. Not to mention I'm enjoying the time catching up on my errands...and hope to one day soon use this time to catch up on sleep!

They STILL do not sleep through the night and get up at least for two feedings. But I have high hopes that this will soon diminish. Or at least I hope it will once I start work in August. But for now I'm just enjoying these early days of smiles and giggles from them and trying to take in every little baby breath. I am truly a lucky individual.

10 Weeks Already!?

(Umm did I not post this? Just found it in my Edit Posts pile...oops!)

Holy moly, has it really been 10 weeks since I had my little nuggets. Can't believe it. Well what can I update?

About the reflux and gas I think we are slowly getting there. The reflux was greatly reduced by starting them on the Enfamil AR formula at night time feedings. Still dealing with a lot of gas issues during the day when I put them on the Gentle Ease but I've now been bold enough to go back to the Neutramagin. They don't seem to hate the taste like they used to a few weeks back. After speaking to a friend of mine who had a preemie and said that formula saved her life, I've decided to go back to it for a week. Mr. Sushinut is not so happy since that's the most expensive formula. He tends to be in denial of their gas issues and thinks it's just babies being babies. I refuse and plot night and day how I can combat the gas fussiness.

As for the sleeping. Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I really think it's like a recipe...a little of this and a little of that. First off I am attempting to do more cluster feeding that is when I'm home for the shift right before bed. Although they are still getting up between 2.5 - 4 hours at a time. Four hours is great...but it doesn't seem to be a consistent number. AND!...You'll never guess what sushi nugget girl did just a week ago? Slept 8 hours straight! I couldn't believe it and checked on her every 3 hours just to make sure she was okay, since sushi boy nugget was still getting up for his feeding that often anyhow. On occasion I've gone ahead and tried to just insert his pacifier again in hopes he fall back to sleep but so far it only buys me but a 1/2 hour more. I've also tried to wake the other from their sleep to feed at the same time but usually they are in such a deep sleep that they just lay there like a limp banana peel. So I guess I can cross those two attempts off my list. But with the AR formula it's at least pure bliss in putting them back down. They wake up crying for their feeding...feed...and then after a quick burp or back in their bassinets to sleep. Now only if they would get up at the same time. Sigh.

As for me getting more sleep I have looked into what everyone suggested and hired myself (or plan to a small army). 1) Nanny: I've hired this great young nanny who sits for many of the families in my twins club and comes highly recommended. Although a little pricey she's well worth it. Also she's completely booked during the day so I could only get her on Thursday nights and Saturdays. Also my MIL will be available soon because she is off from teaching for the summer. Again this is questionable how much help she is but I've found that she could be helpful in helping me take the nuggets to doctor appts. as we are doing tomorrow. That and another college mother's helper who I plan to hire as soon as she gets back from college, who happens to be a niece of another mom from my twins club and has also multiples experience helping her aunt and her twins. I've already booked her for a few hours every Wednesday. Then there is day care. I never really considered starting them in day care early but due to some openings I just might. Believe it or not I still haven't locked in a day care for them and I want them to start at the end of July, since I go back to work at the beginning of August. Eeek!

The problem being that I'm holding out for this amazing daycare that I went to visit not too long ago. This was the only one I found that I loved EVERYTHING about. Only issue...they have a waiting list. Well looks like they might have some openings at the end of June/beginning of July but that's sooner than I wanted to send them. But then I started thinking...what if I just send them a couple of days a week for just a few hours to get them warmed up to the idea? And so that I maybe can get some sleep in? So I'm still waiting to hear back if I'll get the two spaces or not...every day I call and every day the director tells me to call back. I can't take the suspense!

Happy Mother's Day!...and 6 Weeks Nuggets!

First off Happy Mother's Day to all those new infertiles who happen to be celebrating their very first Mother's Day like me. Is it as weird for you as it is for me? I still feel like this is a bizarre dream. And of course to all others out there in our blog land whether you are a first time mom or second time etc. or still trying and will be one some day! It was just a year ago this month that I was mourning yet my 3rd miscarriage and I can't believe this day has finally come.

So today I had the very best gift ever. Mr. Sushinut gave me 9 blissful hours of sleep from 1a to 10a! Pure heaven! Then we packed up the nuggets and went to a great lunch at our favorite Chinese restaurant with the family. I received many bouquets of flowers. Great cute cards (one of which included 1 free night of babysitting from my brother and sister in law - whooohoo!) and an awesome blender/food processor from the nuggets in exceptionally beautiful department store gift wrap (I assume that was the girl nuggets doing since I expect her to be a shopper like me). Oh and I forgot too, finally a wonderful back massage from mr. sushinut while I lay on my stomach (it's been forever since I could do that due to the pregnancy).

Thank you so much for your great advice for my sleepless nights (and days). My favorite comment of all was from "She" who talked about sending her son to college in a great big car seat. That cracked me up! I have been using the car seats and it does help, especially with girl nugget since she has the reflux a little worse than her brother. I just feel so bad that they sleep in their car seats instead of their cozy little bassinets sometimes but as mr. sushinut points out it's for a purpose...not like I'm too lazy and just keep them in their seats after a day of shopping or something.

Ironically after I posted, they started sleeping for 3-4 hours at a time at night. I think it was due to 2 reasons. One being that on that day they seemed especially hungry during the day (at one point it seemed like they were eating almost every hour!) So I was like "okay, you nuggets are on!" "I can feed you into you pop if you'd like". And so I did. I think they were so full by night time they didn't need to eat as much. Also I started using that Enfamil AR formula at night. It did help the reflux and it seemed to keep them satisfied for longer. Although mr. sushinut thinks it's just a coincidence. So I didn't pick up any more and tonight I'm going with just the regular gentle ease formula and low and behold they only are sleeping for 2.5 hours a stretch again. I don't care what mr. sushinut says...I'm hauling butt to Target and buying more of that AR formula again. I know it probably isn't as good for the gas issues but it works for the reflux and I think using it only at night will solve any issues with constipation (since I was warned that this could happen) which might occur by using it all the time.

If you're wondering what happened to good ol' breast feeding, like some new twins moms I've basically thrown in the towel too. It saddens me that I couldn't breast feed them exclusively but there's only so much time in the day. And with my mother in law not being the support we originally anticipated it just made it too difficult. Right now I am pumping about 2x per day (and get very little from each pumping) and sometimes will breast feed boy nugget in addition to his formula. Girl nugget is clueless on how to breast feed nor has the patience.

I haven't asked the dr. yet for any medication for them because I wouldn't say it's terrible terrible like I've heard other babies have it and so I don't want to be quick to jump to the meds just yet. But if it continues to be a problem or gets worse I will need to.

I have inclined their bassinet mattresses a bit and by doing so girl nugget tends to roll to the side and either ram her face into the side of the batting, causing me to freak out about sids or to scare the crap out of her and have her suddenly wail. I think I've rectified this by rolling two blankets by each side of her to lock her in. Hopefully this will work.

As for the night nurse, boy would we absolutely love that. Unfortunately they are way too expensive not to mention it sort of freaks me out to have someone in our house at night while we sleep and watching them. I know...if I were really tired I wouldn't care right? I'm just afraid I'd be to worried that I wouldn't sleep anyways.

But I am checking into a nanny that is looking for some evening and weekend hours. She was referred to me by someone in my twins club. So hopefully that will work out and I can have some hours to myself here and there.

I have some great mother's day photos and new photos of the Nugs but my shift to 4a is now over and the hell if I'm going to take precious sleep time to find my camera and upload those puppies. So you'll have to tune in again to see the pics. :) Stay tuned!

Week 5 ... Are We There Yet? (insert whine here)

...or you could insert "wine" too. I definitely need a drink.

I think it's week 5...could be week 6 but I think that's just wishful thinking.

Here's where I am now. Mr. Sushinut has returned to work at least 4 days a week. Three weekdays and Saturdays. When he does work I do all the night feedings because he is a doctor and does surgeries and such that could cause great pain or malpractice suits if he messes up on someone. And therefore I insist that I take one for the team and stay up for all night feedings.

I AM SO FRIGGEN TIRED.

Please, please, please God...make these kids sleep for more than 2.5 hours straight soon! I can't take this much longer. I was going to ask my pediatrician if there was anything I could do to umm...speed up this process but was to chicken, less I be reprimanded for selfishly wanting to sleep in exchange for my children's healthy growth. Okay okay I get it...at this age they need food...like every friggen five minutes. But couldn't God have made it so they could at least hold their own bottle by now? I know they are only 5 weeks old (and 3 weeks early to boot) but it feels like it's been FOREVER since I gave birth. I feel like I should be taking them to the DMV for their Driver's License already for Christ's sake. Not to mention my greatest fear has come true. It seems that both nuggets have been blessed with major gas issues and reflux. Shoot me now.

We've tried 3 different formulas and are now just using the one that causes the least amount of grief...yet still grief. I did slyly ask the doc about putting rice cereal in their formula at night (you know to get them to sleep longer - blaming it on my mother and mother in law that insists is what you are supposed to do to get them to sleep longer...and what happened? Totally shot down. I didn't even believe her so I went to dr. google and he said the same thing...NOT BEFORE 4 MONTHS. Crap, crap, crap. So I'm on to that formula Enfamil AR business now. Wish me luck. Mr. sushinut has suggested we go for the ol' shot of Bourbon if something doesn't give soon. Feel free to offer magical life saving advice.