Well That Was Weird...

Ever have to discuss your intercourse pattern with a random person at your RE's? Yeah that was weird. I'll try to explain the following conversation the best I can but it's a little confusing...
But I'd love everyone's feedback, that is if you have enough patience to get to the end...

Called this morning to let them know that for sure I ovulated (my temp went up this morning)and that I need to schedule my progesterone and get a prescription for medr*l. Being the newbie that I am I was a little confused by the conversation not to mention that I felt completely strange telling a complete stranger exactly what days I've had intercourse, I can only imagine what the conversation sounded like on the other end to some patient sitting in the waiting room.

Her first question was what day did I ovulate; sounds somewhat simple enough, but as I talked to her further, she seemed to be asking when I received the "peak" sign from my fertility monitor (let the record state this was first seen on Sunday morning and then a second time on Monday morning). As I see it your "peak" day is just a warning that you will be ovulating in the next 12 - 24 hours, although I might be mistaken. I think I read somewhere in my manual that the second peak day is an extra just in case day or it might be the actual day you ovulate but obviously having the sperm waiting there is by all means more productive than trying to catch an egg that is already out there. At least I hope I've learned something in this last year from dr. google.

I would just like to take a second to acknowledge the fact that I've obviously crossed over to the "delusional infertile stage" who ponders these questions of sperm meeting egg to unhealthy proportions. How did I ever get here?

(And we're back...) I personally feel that I ovulated somewhere between Sunday afternoon and Monday before noon. And said sperm was already hanging out ready for said egg. And so intercourse on Saturday and Sunday is perfectly acceptable as prime fertility days right? But then she kept asking if I had intercourse last night, to which I said no (mr. sushinut has been so tired from his job that he flat out put his foot down to 3 nights in a row - I know I should have persisted but to be honest I was tired too - oh the joys of sex on demand). The person at my RE's just paused for quite awhile and repeated..."So you didn't have intercourse last night?" like it was ridiculous that I didn't. Honestly I think by last night it was game over...with the egg and for us as well. Now I'm feeling like I let my RE's office down and that maybe I should have. And maybe, just maybe I incorrectly judged and that I missed the boat, or rather the egg in this happenstance. But doesn't sperm stay alive for at least 24 hours? I feel like such a loser that I have this RE that is doing everything in his power to get me pregnant and that I'm not holding up my own end of the bargain by being a A+ student in the school of sex on demand. But in my mind when I was contemplating this whole thing yesterday and thinking about giving poor mr. sushinut a night off (and trust me I did think about this all day yesterday) it seemed perfectly reasonable that I most likely ovulated sometime during the day on Sunday (I felt major ovulation pain around the afternoon) and that I had intercourse on both Sat. night and Sunday night. I guess at this point there's no reason for crying over 'spilt sex' if you will but nonetheless I am still making myself crazy over this.

Anyways for whatever reason my RE gave specific instructions that I take a progesterone test 7 days after "intercourse" (which time I want to know?) and not necessarily "as soon as I ovulate" (which I thought was strange in itself since ovulation is more of a starting point than random intercourse) and so my progesterone test is scheduled for next monday. And I'm to pick up my perscription of Medr*l today. Now I'm freaking out that I should have started this yesterday but I didn't feel comfortable saying that I ovulated and then my temp doesn't go up and I really didn't. Because you just know that would have happened.

So what does everyone think? Do I have a chance in hell at getting pregnant this month?

Okay I'm going to need to stop now because I'm sounding like a crazy person. Oye. It's like those recipes that you are asked to mix the dry ingredients prior and then slowly mix in the wet. To which I've always failed at and mix everything together all at once. Crap. So basically I suck at cooking...AND fertility. Wonderful.

Last but not least, Just wanted to throw out one last thank you to everyone who piped in with well wishes about my sudden good news about lack of septum and medr*l info as well. I really appreciate it!

Wow if I'm this random in my posts before the steroids I wonder what it will be like after. Lovely.

p.s. If it counts for anything, I've been feeling twingy all morning long. Discuss amongst yourselves.

thanks

Miracle Number 2 1/2

Okay this just in...
Miracle Number 2.5.
I'm calling it 2.5 because this was miracle #1 and my December pregnancy just days prior to my first miscarriage due date would have been miracle #2...but because it never made it I'm calling it a 1/2 a miracle. And thus making this miracle #2.

Mr. Frozen Embryo just called. At first he said he only read the HSG report from Dr. backup and said that the report said things looked better. What??!!! What happened to Cirque S*lei? Air bubbles and left over tissue and such? But my RE hadn't seen the film yet...so he said that he would check things out and call me back. He just called and said he doesn't see any septum. I'm free and clear. (cue the hark singing angels here) I think he must think I'm a freak because I kept telling him that I saw tissue...on the xray...and is he sure that he's looking at the last xray and not the first? (Uh did I really ask that? Fraid so) Yes, of course he says he's looking at the right xray. I then apologize I'm just being pessimistic. Why he asks? There is no reason. He swears that there is no septum and that what I saw is not of any concern for another miscarriage. He says my ute will never be super smooth but that there's no reason anything should have problems sticking now.

I am to call the office as soon as I ovulate to schedule my post 7 day progesterone test.
And he also wants to put me on Medrol. This is all I've found so far on it... "Medrol: A steroid provided daily for four days during the cycle to assist with pre-embryo implantation."
I asked him if it was a pill or an injection and he says it's a pill. Feewwwwwww. I suck at the injecting thing. Now I can't remember when I'm supposed to start taking this before or after ovulating...sounds like prior to? Or maybe just after?

Anyone know anything else on this?

Oh and also start up my baby aspirin and continue taking prenatals. Yeah that's a total joke...my pharmacy I pick those up from still gives me the "she's been picking up these damn things for a year now and never looks any more pregnant. Fatter maybe but not pregnant. What the hell?"
To which I feel like replying, "yes I know, it's irritating ain't it? You should try it on my end. Just take my friggen $16 and shut your pie hole. A woman can dream can't she?"

Anyone ever....

...begged to have dye shot up their tubes on your birthday just for the fun of it?

Uh yeah, me neither.

Okay yes, yes I did. I did volunteer to have dye shot up my tubes on my birthday. But you can bet I'll never do THAT again. Way to really put a damper on the celebration.

All in all it seemed like a good idea when I first thought of it. But after waiting an hour and a 1/2 to actually get in to see the doc, then finally getting in to see the doc and finding out that the good doc was on vacation and I had mr. back up doc, all did not seem so fabulous. Let's just say this experience was no where nearly as painless or easy as the last HSG. Can't a girl get at least some things to go right on her birthday?

As soon as the catheter went in I found myself asking what the f*ck I was thinking when I signed up for this. Well all would be good when I found out that my ute was crystal clear and septum free right?

...right?

Uh yeah, that apparently wasn't in the cards either.

Yup you heard me. Piece o' Septum still occupying residency. Nice. Really really nice. Like 4k nice to be exact. I mean I really feel happy that my RE didn't puncture my uterus or anything by getting too close but this doesn't cut it either.

So there in all it's glory was what looked like a bit of a cotton ball left. At first they thought it might be a gas bubble...so the doc told me to (and get this, while the catheter is in me, and the dye is in me and my legs are spread eagle with my ankles near my crotch) roll to the side.
I must have looked at him like he was nuts because he just said "I know it's not the easiest thing but you've got to roll to the side for a second" What the hell is this Cirque friggen S*leil? Yeah that was super fun.

Anyways later I find out that the reason for that was because gas bubbles move...so they were trying to see if what they thought were septum remnants were possible gas bubbles...but no such luck. Looks like you still have some tissue in there, they said. Fan freakin tastic.

So I'm still waiting to hear the final word from dr. frozen embryo (as my husband says you never know until you hear from the actual RE) but I know what he's going to say...time for another surgery. And another 4k. This just sucks.

I would have posted about this earlier but I've been drowning my sorrows (err rather celebrating yeah that's it) with lots of sushi and martinis, and I've just come up for air this evening.

The only thing I can come up with to throw a positive spin on this is that at least I have more time to lose my non-pregnancy baby fat before I get pregnant again, and hopefully stay pregnant.

And that my friends is the absolute ONLY positive thing about this setback.

Just lovely.

Cycle Day 1

So here we are (thanking AF for at least showing up on time this month) AF just arrived yesterday. Meaning that most likely I will have my second and hopefully last HSG on my birthday this Thursday. Whoohoo!

I would stick around longer to post random thoughts but for whatever reason this cycle is really hitting hard with the "amount" and terrible cramps. Did anyone have a far heavier flow after their hysteroscopy? I read only one mention on dr. google but couldn't find anything else. This by far is heavier than my usual. Hmmm wonder why.

And so now I need to go down about a million IBprofin caplets...ugh.

Oh and ANOTHER thing...

Thanks so much for all your wonderfully supportive comments on the mother post. It's actually been sitting in my drafts folder for over a week and after I finally posted it, I thought twice...They are going to think I'm evil, I thought. What type of daughter am I? Aren't you supposed to respect your mother no matter what she's like? But I'm glad I did post because it did make me feel more honest and although I'm sad to see that there are so many other mothers out there like mine I hope my thoughts relieved some stress for others.


I did forget one thing to mention that I wanted to come back and post on.


I don't know how I failed to write about this but she did actually have one comment after moments of silence while we finished up our BBQ pork, when all was said and done...


She said and I quote, "You should have gotten a second opinion. What if nothing was wrong and now he's (meaning my RE) ruined you forever?".


OH NO SHE DI'INT!


oh but yes she did....

yup, she deserved that post alrighty.


Thank you G for commenting how you've also wondered what effects smoking has on an unborn fetus. I guess you never know...I would certainly love if someone did a study on that one...meaning common occurrences between women with septums that had moms who smoked. All that I've been able to find on the topic is that it's been shown that a higher level of irritability throughout the child's life has been found in offspring of mothers who smoked during pregnancy.

Go figure...I always just thought it was my charming bitterness with the world. I knew there was something I could blame her for :)

****************************************************

On another more positive topic...

For anyone who's completely confused where I am on the plan, I am just "testing" the ol utes this cycle and am not trying at all. As a matter of fact I think I was forbidden intercourse whatsoever due to my hysteroscopy during my happy "O" time.

I'm currently on cycle day 25. Ff.com says I ovulated on day 16 (which has been a trend) and so I concur. I'm hoping that I at can make it to a 12 day luteal phase so that I don't have to start worrying about that mess...and go on to start my new cycle on day 29 making for a perfect 28 day cycle this round. Meaning that my HSG may just be scheduled on my birthday next Thursday. Joy.

Dear everyone,
Please no gifts this year, all I want is a nice cup o' dye shot up my tubes. What else would a 37 year old need after all?

ugh.

P.S. oh and I should add that i just figured out today that if all were right in the world I would have a 4 month old about now (from my first pregnancy)...or be about 4 months along with my second. Double Joy.

Hmmm, did I say positive topic? Oh well.

Oh Relatives...aren't they fun?

I'd like to preface this story with some background on my mom, who I speak very little of usually in my blog, for a couple of reasons, one being that she has never really been the most supportive mother (funny how a few of us have that in common) or logical for that matter.

And so the story goes, when we told her (on Mother's day) about our first pregnancy she was unusually quiet..my experience tells me this usually means she is secretly pouting over something, and I knew what this pout would be about... being the center of attention. I thought how could this be the case with this situation too? How could she be jealous of a little unborn grandchild? But deep down I knew this was the case. I was fine with it though, I was used to her non-motherly ways and although it has saddened me throughout my life I feel I'm old enough and confident to get through it. And so later when I found out that I was going to miscarry, being that I didn't know who else to turn to (since my husband was at work and I didn't want to upset him) in a panicked moment I called my mother. While sobbing at home straight from my appointment, she offered the usual backwards thinking "it was meant to be" garbage and when all was said and done with the D&C (that is after telling me she had a D&C - for a completely different reason and that it was in a spa like environment and it won't be so bad - which by the way it friggen wasn't in a spa like environment) she told me specifically that she didn't want to know about any future pregnancies...until 16 weeks along.

And so that my friends is where my 16 week rule has come to be...at least with the parents...the rest of the world can figure it out on their own, I'm not telling a soul until I'm wobbling out the front door on the way to the labor room. And so that's where we left off...last June with her telling me that she didn't want to hear about anything until 16 weeks. Now that I think of it, all of you will know I'm pregnant well before my own mother. Is that sad? Well yes...is it more supportive...yes definitely...I cannot think of a more supportive environment than with the many who have been where I have and many more through far worse.

Well as we all know I've never actually made it to 16 weeks...and so I've stayed silent. As requested. I know she did it so that she wouldn't feel bad about hearing all the terrible details of another lost pregnancy...but I can't help but again think...just another situation where she's protecting herself before offering much needed support.

So didn't I find it ironic when last week I was having dinner with my mom and out of no where (well not quite no where...specifically in the middle of the crowded chinese restaurant) she asks "so you guys aren't having problems getting pregnant are you?" I then mentioned it was a long story and not one quite appropriate for the close quarters of this restaurant. Nor something you want to talk in detail about when eating. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. I suppose not quite the answer she was looking for.


After the restaurant thinned out enough, I told her the whole thing...about the RE, about the testing, about the surgery...about the septum. In her own uneducated state the story seemed to her anyways to point in the direction of her fault. She didn't like that I used the term "birth defect" and also the mention "caused when she was pregnant with me". I know this seems cruel...but I didn't entirely try to console her. And here's the reason why...



For some time now I've been thinking more and more about my mom and her pregnancy with me oh 36 years ago. She was about 10 years my junior and always was and still is the more naive and immature type. As much as I love her because she is my mother I've always looked down upon her for a few key reasons 1) She's the ultimate princess 2) She uses people solely to benefit her 3) She's lazy 4) she's weak and 5) she's egotistical. Of course I say this with as much respect as one could possibly have in this situation...but honestly...it's all true...even ask my dad who divorced her after 30 some years of marriage. It's sad, but true...and honestly I think she's very much okay with being all of the above because she doesn't see any fault in the above. So we all pretty much go along with it. And so here's where we get to my issues of late.

The more I've been pregnant, and the more I've lost pregnancies and the more I've struggled with TTC I've gotten more and more angry with how she naively and selfishly handled her pregnancies. You see, my mom is the first to say she never touched an aspirin while pregnant...although when asked if she stopped smoking she bursts out with "we didn't know any better!" Now I know that there's no direct link with anything that is going on with me now and the fact that she started chain smoking when she was a teenager and continues to this day, and did so through both my and my sibling's pregnancies.. but it angers me to no end that she wouldn't even give up such a terrible habit even at the sake of the safety of her children. What type of parent does that? Yes, I know that people did it all the time and supposedly "didn't know it was bad for you". But I seriously think they did know...how could they not? And as my mom says nonchalantly "well you turned up fine didn't you?" I think it's this nonchalant attitude that really irritates the hell out of me. After all I do ...giving up caffeine, drinking green tea (decaf of course), temping, buying expensive ovulator kits, sex on demand, fertility diet, thousands of dollars of testing, surgeries and who knows what else not to mention what all the other infertiles have had to go through out there...old black lung here continued puffing away and had two successful pregnancies...no questions asked. What the f*cking hell?

And so isn't it odd that my mother has become yet another one of those pregnant fertile women that I despise...you know the women who don't even try and end up drinking thru their first trimester and not even realize until they don't get AF for 4 months???!!!! How jacked up is that I tell you?... Despising my mother for having me successfully even though she didn't take care of herself while pregnant with me?! What kind of messed up infertile am I? And let me tell you it doesn't help that everyday she tells me...well I never had any problems so I don't know what happened to you. Nice...please...got any more daggers you want to stab in my back?


And so...that night, when I saw the worried expression on her face when I said birth defect (which yes I did use purposefully) I didn't stop...I could've, I should've, but I didn't...her worried questions only encouraged me...I went on...adding "in the womb...didn't complete...something happened..." and I saw it on her face...she was wondering...was it the smoking? I know it wasn't, and she should probably know...but it just really ticks me off that she never thought about it before...I couldn't help to stick it to her....for all of those thoughtless tactless comments. Maybe I'm a terrible daughter...but deep down I just feel I had to have her feel my same pain that I've been feeling so long. I just feel I'm such a different person now than I will ever be again. I think we can all agree to that. When I think of the conversation in my head again I just think I really wanted her to understand what I was going through. To see where I've been and how I don't want to hear...well it was meant to be, or you can try again or maybe it's because you have a stressful job or any other type of assvice that is issued on a daily basis to all of us stirrup queens.

I feel we deserve more than that, we deserve more than assvice and half hearted support from friends and family who hate you for making them uncomfortable. Who want to be there for the baby shower to show off their grandchild to be but don't want to be there for the down and dirty details of life.

Needless to say I've spoken to her many times since that night...and had her over for Easter even. Not another question has been asked since then. Well if anything it has brought peace and quiet from her. As they say, if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. And let me tell you, it can get damn hot in my kitchen at times.

Happy Egg Laying Day

Or should I say Happy Easter everyone!

Well almost belated Happy Easter at this point.

So this morning I get up (after going to bed at 2a due to getting the house ready for our hosted Easter Lunch) and go to pee on my CBEFM stick...because well it tells me so and basically it runs my life. The friggen thing could tell me to go jump in a pool and I'd probably do it. And so I do...and later when checking my handiwork...I find this fancy little picture...

Holy crap!...I apparently laid an EGG! Or will, so it seems. And just in the nick of time since I was juuuuuuuuust thinking the night before "damn it...$150 and this damn thing is full of it...it's going to say high the whole friggen time like last month and never PEAK! This thing doesn't work! (like how I blame the monitor and not my body?) And then this morning...I get this!!!! yippee!

So I run downstairs to show my husband saying, "Look hun, I laid an egg!"

And you know what he said? He said, "Well of course you did. It's Easter. If not today when?!"

Oye.

Happy Easter everyone, may you all get a special egg of your own.