Feeling Abnormally Normal

So I went to see my Rheumatologist last week and I feel so proud of myself. Not because I went to my appt. exactly but more for the fact that I didn't break down and cry like I did for my ob appt. and my GP appt. For whatever reason I woke up that morning and felt very positive. I seriously felt I had a grasp on things and that all would go well. I had the day off from work (due to the holiday) and I had a few nice things planned for my day alone. A sushi lunch, a little bit of shopping and a movie. During my visit I found the secret to preventing myself from breaking down. I had to tell her that I had another miscarriage but I found that when I say the "m" word I start to cry immediately. Something about the word makes me feel so sorry for myself. Funny enough now that I've had two the first one seems so far removed from me it doesn't affect me as much when I talk the most recent. Not that the first was any easier than the second, or vice versa.

And so this time I used the word "Chemical pregnancy" (although the verdict is still out whether it was one or not) after using it I somehow was able to hold it together. Interesting. The doctor seemed still really positive and I think that made me feel positive too.

I did tell her how my GP basically gave me the run around about whether I was pregnant or not even though I had 6 positive hpts and a beta of 39. I told my rheumatologist about my GP saying well you're sort of pregnant. She was shocked and asked the same question as I did. Sort of pregnant????, she yelled. As my rheumatologist pointed out immediately...you're either pregnant or not!!!! I felt so good when she said that because that was exactly my thought when my GP said that. So strange. Anyways all in all it was a good positive appt. and best of all she once again assured me that my ana level is far too low for any concern and that I am perfectly normal for a "slightly abnormally high ana level".

Which reminded me of how I feel these days... Abnormally normal. I feel like I'm in a weird phase right now. I'm just this normal run of the mill self running around doing normal things...yet I'm in the midst (or start?) of what could be a very sad or happy journey. I feel quite abnormally normal and I can't quite decide if I find comfort with this or not. At times it feels so good not to have my mood decided on a daily temp when I get up. But also at times I feel sad about that. I feel happy that I can haul in the raw spicy sushi rolls without a second thought, but at the same time feel strange still holding back a lot on tuna due to the mercury.

My days lately have been a mix of super positive thoughts, thinking that I could very well be pregnant just next month (that is if my RE says I can start trying again) but then I catch a glance of my embarrassingly sad collection of opk sticks (as well as positive hpts) and wonder if I'll even have the energy, patience and strength to carry on with this escapade. Not to mention the unknown financial outcome of this whole RE situation might possibly threaten our long awaited dream of owning our own home.

Such a strange time, such a strange time.