So I've been quite irritable all day long, basically snapping at people left and right, here at work and outside, although I have warned them that I'm not feeling well and that I think I may be "coming down" with something.
Ha. If they only knew.
So I still hadn't heard back from the doctor this morning so I waited til lunch to call again. At this point I didn't really care to talk to her. I assumed I would save the good questions until Friday. All I really want from her is my drugs.
So I call the office and the stupid message service answers. My conversation goes something like this.
"Hi I'd like to leave a message AGAIN for dr. C since she didn't call me back yesterday."
"Sorry mam unless this is an emergency we recommend you to call back after 1:30p."
"Does miscarrying count as an emergency?"
"Are you miscarrying????" (alarm sounding in the male operator voice)
"Well technically yes."
"Right now????!!!! You are miscarrying?!"
"Uh well yes all week long if you want to get specific...Okay listen here's my message...I understand that Dr. C maybe be awfully busy dealing with many viable pregnancies right now but I don't really need to talk to her. All I would like if she'd be so kind to tear herself away from one of them for a second, and prescribe me some Tylenol Codeine, if it's safe to take that is without causing me to bleed to death, I would be forever grateful. That's it...Thanks."
"Uh...okay...I'll leave the message"
"Thanks"
I think I probably scared the crap out of that guy and he'll probably go home today thinking that he definitely doesn't get paid enough to take these calls. But hey, I'm beyond sugar coating at this point. Quite frankly I'm just terrified that I'll blurt out my other thought that has been in my head all day which is, "Will everyone please move out of the way before I bleed all over your friggen floor." (today at the grocery store) or even better "Heads up miscarrying woman coming through." (parking lot at grocery store).
Moments later while I was still driving back from the grocery store during lunch my doctor calls. Hmmm nice timing. So I pull over.
Her verdict?
Chemical Pregnancy.
The dreadful C word. So of course I started bawling on the phone and she said she was sorry etc. Anyways she said to still come in on Friday...although with betas that low she said that she wouldn't be able to see anything on the ultrasound but she wants to take another beta to make sure that my levels are going down properly. Of course at this point I think an ultrasound (which would probably have to be done vaginally) would not be the most comfortable and probably quite messy. I did ask if I could have some Tylenol w/C and she said that I wouldn't even need it...it would just be like a really heavy period. She didn't really seem to think that I would really be expelling anything major either, just a lot of tissue. Part of me was actually comforted to know that because it's supposedly a chemical pregnancy this might be a little easier to manage than what I was expecting. I'm not as scared of being in so much pain I can't even drive home from work. Although I still plan to call in sick Friday. It also seems that there will be less issue with any scarring etc. And best of all I'm thinking I won't need to wait 2 months to start trying again. And there will be no D&C. Of course I'm saving all these questions for her on Friday plus more. There's a list being compiled if you will.
So I leave you with this question (which I will ask her as well). I've gone through and dr. googled chemical pregnancy of course...and am confused by how this is defined. Many define this as a pregnancy that never implants. Okay, fine I'll buy that. BUT. When I look up when hcg starts to rise it says "as soon as implantation takes place". So I ask you this (and I know this is probably a sore subject all around since chemical pregnancies seem to be the bastard children of miscarriage), how would one's hcg rise (even to such a low level - but still above 10) and implantation not take place? Any takers on this? I'll leave you to ponder. Hmmm.
Thanks again for following along and all your great input. By the way Meg, I'm totally up for that vodka fertility smoothie.
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3 comments:
Thanks for the update.
I know nothing about chemical pregnancies so I am not sure I can be of much help. Your comment, "... since chemical pregnancies seem to be the bastard children of miscarriage" made me think. Whether implantation took place or not, you still felt pregnant and you still had the hopes and dreams of carrying a child to term. You deserve to grieve that loss whether this is a chemical pregnancy or not.
By the way, you are coming across so calm, I would be totally freaking out. I hope that you do take off on Friday, get your questions answered, and then enjoy your weekend.
Take Friday off and go out for sushi after your appt!
I know nothing about chemical pregnancies, many of us are experts in our own area of IF, M/C etc. I think....just wait until we are all really pregnant or have kids...we will have no clue what to do!
In my mind...a pregnancy feels like a pregnancy (emotionally) the second that 2nd line shows up.
Sorry about all of this chica. I know it hurts, burns and totally sucks.
I think with a chemical pregnancy the hCG levels will rise initially then drop off quickly. My very rudimentary layman's understanding is that implantation takes place in 2 stages -- first it does a superficial implant (onto the surface of the lining), then it burrows in. I think the hCG begins to rise with the first stage, while it is the second stage that doesn't happen with a chemical. That said, I also thought chemical usually resolved (i.e. your period comes) by 5 weeks, 6 at the absolute latest. Again, I am not a doctor, but what you had doesn't really sound like a chemical pregnancy to me.
And to echo what Rachel and Meg said, whatever your doc decides to call this, you saw two lines, you were pregnant for several weeks, and you are entitled to mourn the loss of that hope and expectation. I'm so incredibly sorry.
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