Pre Thanksgiving Thoughts

So today luckily we were released from work by Noon, that is with your supervisor's permission. Unfortunately for me, my supervisor is the spitting image of the Devil Wears Prada character. Only she has less taste and less class, but of course she thinks she walks on water. It's actually quite sad sometimes.

Anyways I had it all planned. I would dart out the door at 12 noon to make it over for my progesterone test before they closed at lunch. My biggest fear was that they were cutting out early and that I wouldn't get to have it tested. I read that it's normally supposed to be tested on the 22nd day (luck of the draw my day 1 of this cycle was Nov. 1st) but I guess because that's Thanksgiving my doctor said to test for it on 11/21. So whatever it means it's obviously important that I test on this day.

So I'm ready to leave and and an email from Prada comes my way. It says, "When are you leaving for the day?" meaning, are you going to stick around to meet my every whim because I'm not done yet. Now this is all fine and dandy if she actually really needed help with something but what USUALLY happens is that she's "pondering something" and just needs me to stand by in case she needs a second opinion. And then she sometimes takes off without telling me so I'm just sitting there thinking that I need to wait for her. Seriously, it's happened before. Meanwhile her weekend has started.

So anyways I explain that I need to go get blood taken before they close but that I can come right back. "Oooh no...that's fine, you go ahead, I was just going to talk to you about some extra thoughts I had on your performance review (by the way these were due ages ago - but for some reason at the last hour at the last second right before a 3 day holiday, she has these thoughts) and I figured I should go over with you before I put them in. Meaning that she's going to take down my score or something. What the hell????!!! I mean come on! What does she just sit there at night thinking how she can screw with me? I knew my review this year went too smoothly. No little crappy little nit picking. Last time I literally had my score lowered because I accidentally forgot to capitalize AIDS in an email...even though it was a quick one sent to her with that word actually cut and pasted from another VPs email. I am not joking...she rated me and all my work for the entire year and all she could come up with was the time I didn't capitalize AIDS. I wouldn't normally care about this but it's obvious that this is attached to my annual raise.

So now I have to go thru the entire 3 day weekend worrying about what she's going to pick at me this time about. I am trying as hard as I can to not let her control my life but she just gets under my skin! I mean what kind of person tells an employee before a 3 day weekend that there will be changes to there performance review but not telling them specifically what the deal is. I sort of wished I actually went back to the office after the test and asked her...but at the same time I didn't want to let her think she controlled me in that way.

So that's what I'll be doing this weekend...fighting off not worrying about what Prada is going to rig up for me on Monday. Joy. All I can say is that this better not mess up my mini vacation to La Jolla on Sat./Sun. The hubster and I decided, well rather I decided that I needed a weekend away. So we are going down to the beach to spend sometime at a hotel spa that my brother got married at. I'll give a full update on Monday. It's awesome. Anyways the hell if I'm letting her get to me. Then watch I'll worry the entire weekend and she'll tell me that I just misspelled something again. (By the way my job has nothing to do with copy editing in case you were wondering and would obviously rightfully so be an issue if I were misspelling things.) She often does things like that. Like she'll come into your office and ask if she can speak to you in private and then make a big deal and close your door and then ask if what she said in a meeting made sense or something lame like that. Such the drama queen. The most irritating thing is that she's just so obviously oblivious to other people feelings, she acts like a true spoiled brat. Leading me to think who in the world are her parents that raised her. And do they know they created an animal? Sometimes I honestly think she's going to Hell...and I rarely think people go to Hell...I'm pretty much from the thought that God is forgiving and everyone goes to Heaven!

Anyways for my Thanksgiving plans this year we are heading over to my brother in laws house for dinner. Which is good and both bad. He has a huge house but a lack of dishes and serving stuff. The total bachelor pad. So we are all bringing the food and anything we need for the dinner. It's a big pain in the butt but the hubby and I just don't have enough room to have everyone over to our place so off to his place it is.

The one thing I'm not really looking forward to this year is the "Thankfulness speech" tradition. The tradition in my husband's family is to go around the table each year and everyone has to say what they are thankful for. I've been dreading this all month and keep thinking what I'm going to say without bursting into tears. Because quite honestly...I'm not thankful for much these days. I mean I know that sounds terrible but it's hard to keep your head up when you've gone thru heartache throughout the year, as you well know.

What am I supposed to say? I'm thankful I had a miscarriage and that now I can't get pregnant again. Nice. Or how about that I'm thankful that I still have a crappy boss. How about this...I'm thankful that the housing cost in California is still so high that two people who work executive positions, with no kids by the way STILL cannot afford to buy an actual home that is big enough to support a family in a safe part of town. Is that what I'm thankful for? I'm sure I can come up with a million other things like I'm glad I'm alive, I'm glad we aren't living on the street, I'm glad that I still ovulate (at least for now) but sometimes...the bad things tend to stack up against the very good things.

So it's less than 24 hours and counting until I have to come up with what I'm thankful for and I want to stay clear of any "I'm thankful for having a family to support me in my time of need" in case I start to bawl...and quite frankly although they would like to be there for me I've really not been able to relate to anyone.

As you know it's awfully hard to understand what a person is going thru with miscarriage until you go thru it yourself. For example god bless my brother in law but after they found out he approached me while we were all at a restaurant (of all places - yes please listen to my pain and don't forget to pass the chips and salsa) and said, "Do you want to talk?" A 43 year old male who is a chemist and pretty much is only interested in computers, sci fi, and wrestling wants me to spill my guts to him about something he will never fathom. He has a wife but she doesn't want children...so he doesn't really even know what its like. I appreciated the thought...but seriously...not going to happen.

So if anyone thinks of anything that can be my thankfulness this Thanksgiving please feel free to post away. Because quite frankly I'm running dry.

And I do thank you for that!