Facing the 37 year old Elephant in the Room - 12 weeks 2 days

So this last Friday I turned 12 weeks. Wow. I seriously can't believe I actually got here. Well that is if everything is still all right in there. (My usual disclaimer). So a few hurdles down and many many more to go. Just last week I initiated my ascent to my next hurdle and boy is this one a doozy. I knew this day would come, I just wish it never had to.

Genetic testing.

Last Tuesday I had my first trimester screening test, which entailed a blood test and an ultrasound. My first fear was of course, please don't let me go in there and have one of them not be alive anymore. How uncomfortable would that be? I find it absolutely ridiculous that this was my only concern...or should I say my main concern. Hey baby steps I say. First make sure the kids are still there...second get to the genetic business.

So this weekend (fri - sun) mr. sushinut and I were off to a medical conference for him and I was tagging along for company. Of course I knew that on Friday right at the beginning of our trip I may be getting a call about the results. And that these results just may break me down for the rest of the weekend. And thus that is what basically happened.

I knew full well that with twins it's just so hard to really get accurate tests with the blood work considering it throws things out of whack that there are two of them. But the dr. doing the scan assured me that they know who to take that into account. Still I've heard that first trimester screening is often a false positive but I had high hopes that by some miraculous way my results would blow my age category out of the water and that I would come away with better than ideal numbers. On the other hand another part of me just knew the results would screen positive.

The high point is that my chances for a downs child with just my age, no screening, is basically 1/97 or 1% (I hadn't realized it was that bad, yet I haven't had time to do more research). After the test my chances decreased to 1/155 or .6%. So basically I'm doing better than the average 37 year old. Good right? Whoohoo? Not quite. Except that the positive/negative threshold for the test ends at about 250. Making my test score "positive". Even though ironically if you look at it...my chances of having a normal child(or two) would be 99.4%. That's a pretty damn good percentage in my book. Yet all the talk has thus far been around two options for me 1) CVS or 2) Amnio. Both the Dr. who did the screening test and my obgyn are speaking as though I must have one of these. Although my obgyn completely is against me having a CVS because she says she's lost twins with that test before. But somehow feels completely at ease with me having an amnio. May I remind everyone that in my case with two sacs and twins I would be stuck TWICE with the needle making chances of a miscarriage "slightly higher" uh wouldn't that just be "double" the chance? Or are they just sugar coating it for me?

My obgyn explained that chances for a miscarriage with a CVS are about 1% which makes my chance of having a downs twin (or both) less than miscarrying them. And so this is why she highly recommends me not having a CVS. An amnio is basically done later and therefore "only" has about a .05% chance of miscarrying (then again with the "slightly higher" mention because of twins.) To which none of these extremely low percentages are relieving my worry the least considering if there is a percent chance of something wrong it usually happens to me. Hello...FOUR MISCARRIAGES. What are the friggen percentages of that happening my friends? I would love to report a percentage but I assume it's going to be so low because MOST people don't have FOUR friggen miscarriages. Somehow I feel that I've come to terms with losing a child "naturally" is something I can deal with...but this is like I'm forcing a chance of miscarriage on them. Even though I know it's a very small chance.

So you're probably thinking, then don't do it? Why do something you're so unfcomfortable with and scared to death about. Well mainly because having two or even one child with Downs is quite honestly something I've never thought we could handle. And I know this is a personal decision and not everyone agrees on and let me add that for those that do choose this path to not eliminate the pregnancy after finding out a child has something like Downs, and continue on with the pregancy, I bow down to you. I seriously bow down to you and have the greatest respect on earth for you. You in my opinion are the be all end all selfless parents on earth, because of the task you have taken on as yours. I'm not proud of my opinions of what mr. sushinut and I can handle but I have to be realistic. And to pretend that all would be fine and that we could handle one or more downs children would be in complete denial.

And so this is my quandary. Which is worse? Knowing or not knowing? I don't think I could live with myself if I should have this done and didn't. I'm not one to really go against what the doctor recommends, yet I'm scared as hell of losing one or both. I even asked mr. sushinut if he could go with me (which he assumed he would anyhow) but not for obvious reasons but instead, so that he could see both of them on ultrasound at least once (he hasn't seen them yet) before possibly one or both are miscarried. How morbid is that?

And then there's the last comment my obgyn make when speaking to me after getting the results on Friday, which was "From what I can tell from your numbers, chances are your babies are both just fine". Well then why all the talk about the amnio???? Why do I have to do it when everyone in their heart feels that all will be well? I'll tell you why...because your heart doesn't give statistics and yes or no answers that's why.

I guess this is why they say having children is never easy...I just didn't think it would start this early.