Back from a busy weekend of Ovulating

God I'm tired.
And I'm sure so is my husband. I was pretty much going along quite positive about my ovulating until Sunday night hit and all went to hell. I just had a melt down and for no reason. Well except for the fact that I'm desperately trying to get pregnant as fast as I can so I can see if the new baby lives so that I can see if I'm doomed for life.

It's a lot of hurry up and wait I guess. Thank God I have my brother's wedding to help plan to take my mind off things.

Anyways, back to my melt down. For some reason I just woke up Sunday feeling that this ovulation period was going to finish and that I wouldn't be pregnant. Instant terror. Almost the type that wanted me to go home and just attack my husband and say "Get me pregnant damn it!" I don't know who that person was but it was terrifying and depressing all at once. My husband asked why I was crying and I explained how I'm nervous that I'm never going to get pregnant and that even if I do I'm never going to carry to term. And he was astonished I felt this way! :O How could he think I don't have these thoughts??? Come on!

Anyways he did remind me that I was acting illogically and that due to my mini meltdown it was probably due to me already being pregnant and the hormones going thru me. Well I doubt that but I thought it was a good try and making me feel better. Completely illogical (in my book) but a good try nonetheless.

And so now we wait...10 days...the longest 10 days ever. 10 days till despair and heartache? Or 10 days to a positive which will lead to continuous worry and fear. Hmmm is there a 3rd option because both of these suck.

Right now I'm just trying to listen to my body. I'm whispering to it...tell me...tell me...what's going on in there? I can envision cells dividing as if it were my last hope on earth. Like if I envision it, it will actually make things happen. I'm feeling sort of crampy but who knows that could be my lovely layers in my uterus waiting to shed away. I feel gas bubbles but who knows that could be all the raw broccoli I've been eating lately. Did I feel like this before? I can't remember. Those were the innocent days when I didn't pay attention to what my body was doing. Is there something really going on down there or am I just delusional and hoping that something is going on down there? But there's the heart burn in my stomach...I remember that from last time...it was weird there was a heat all the time from my stomach...not like a pain but just like a burning heat. Watch it be a damn bladder infection. God I'm pathetic...

Oh well more to come I guess...