Day 2...Operation Freakout

First off thanks so much Meg for your comment. I wish we could go for a celebratory smoothie as well! Well I can always post a recipe in here and we can enjoy our smoothies together yet separately! :)

So Day 2 of knowing I'm PG and the whole idea of not going into freakazoid worrying crazy woman mode didn't quite stick.

Between yesterday and today I've called my doctor a total of 5 times. Yup more than twice a day.

1) To demand I have my progesterone as my doctor told me to. NOW.
2) To ask them to call Cig.na so that I don't have to pay $200 for my progesterone.
3) To make an appt. for my first visit since I forgot to, while demanding my progesterone. Duh.
4) To demand why they didn't call Cig.na so that I wouldn't have to pay out of pocket for my progesterone (to which they they said did but said Cig.na was lying and said they didn't).
5) To ask if I can fly a short distance to Nevada next week (at 5 weeks) and to check again that the earliest I should be seen is at about 7 weeks even though I've had a miscarriage before. (the answer was yes).

Not to mention I've had 4 freakouts so far....

Freak out #1: Reading about the possible birth defects due to the progesterone. I mean I knew about these way before but as my doctor says a cleft palette is fixable...a miscarriage isn't. And what I've found is that the FDA actually makes all progesterones have a generic warning of these birth defects on every type...although it's only the man made progesterone like what is found in birth control that can cause these defects...the natural progesterone which is what I have been prescribed is said not to. That was a good hour our two worrying. Bottom line... if it's going to keep me pregnant than i'm up for it! I feel it's an important part of a healthy pregnancy for me and so does my doctor.

Freak out #2: Was today when all of a sudden I decided to check to see (just for the fun of it) what was said on the Internet about flying during 1st trimester. Of course I found all the scary stuff like it causes miscarriages etc. I mean I will be 5 whole weeks next week when I take my itty bitty flight of 2 hours up to see my dad...if I didn't test yet I wouldn't have even known I was pregnant and wouldn't have checked! But nonetheless I freaked while at work today and alas called my doctor's office once again. After checking, the office told me to not worry, unless I start spotting before then it's completely fine to fly for that short amount of time. BUT WAIT... I had a miscarriage before...does this change things? Checks again...NO...perfectly fine...just call us immediately if you have spotting. Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww. Now I can just agonize whether I'm going to take my progesterone as carry on or checked. I can just picture them confiscating my little tubes and me yelling..."That's the life of my child in there! Take it from me and die minion!!!" I think just to be safe I'm going to carry some on and pack some...but if they take it I swear I'm suing south.west for $200....Unless of course cig.na ever gets back to me.

Freak out #3: Tonight...when (just for the fun of it - I really need to stop trying to have "fun") I decide to use some crappy ass pregnancy test that my husband got from one of his medical offices to see how dark my line is getting. To my horror it was actually more faint!!!! Now, keep in mind, it's a totally different test, with probably a totally different sensitivity level, but none-the-less a break down ensued. Oh and also I noted the expiration date was Sept. '07. NICE. Despite this, I promptly hauled ass to Rite.aid so that I can by the same exact hpt I took yesterday and compare the two. I know that according to peeonastick.com the comparison of lines should not be done and yada yada...but it totally freaked me out. I have somewhat mellowed since earlier tonight and have decided not to take the test until tomorrow morning. Since that's when you are supposed to take hpts...not at night after a days worth of liquids. Joy.

As you can see this will not be an easy journey for me...or for any of you reading this blog for that matter. You didn't know me during my first pregnancy...I started this blog right after my miscarriage. But let me forewarn you...you'll seriously want to slap me around sometimes...and at other times laugh at me....but hey it's my world and this is the hell my brain puts me through at times. So at least be happy that you're in blog land and not in my head...like I am! :)

Oh yes...and one more
Freak out #4: after freaking out about being "less" pregnant. I felt a pain on my left ovary...to which I promptly started reviewing my ectopic pregnancy websites. Sigh. The pain is gone now...and so I finally have a few minutes to do my blog. Sorry I didn't post earlier today but as you can see...I was quite busy thinking of every possible issue that could go wrong. May I remind you this is only day 2.

Take 2, Scene 1...Sushinut Ala Bun

First off thank you so much for all your kind comments. And also your kind thoughts during my last rough patch. I really appreciate it :) The first thing I wanted to do when I got home from work today was post this so that I can share it with all my blogger friends, both lurkers and non :) Because I know you guys are right there with me understanding every fear, anxiety and thrill.

I'm still feeling like this is totally a dream...
I seriously can't believe this happened this month of all months. I am beyond elated! And as my husband says, cautiously optimistic :)

For the last few days as you have known I've been in a rut and had gone into frantic mode thinking that AFs timing would be horrendous and get in the way of a trip planned to visit my dad at the beginning of the year. It really pissed me off because as you know it's a pain to plan ANYTHING when you are TTC. For months I have had to put off a wine tasting weekend because of my cycle. It's just down right depressing to be planning to not do certain things and not be pregnant. If you were to be guaranteed pregnancy then of course you would give up anything...but after giving up everything each month for months on end, it really gets to you.

Anyways, I've basically been praying every night that AF will be delayed just one more day. FF.com basically said I was due to get AF like 2 days ago and then when I passed that day it moved it on me! I was like what the hell????? Is this how it is??? I'm like the cat chasing the mouse? So I decided this morning at 15 DPO or 13 DPO according to FF.com that I would test...solely on the whole progesterone plan. I had a pep talk with myself this morning that if my temps were still high I would test (in order to know if I should call my Dr. for the progesterone prescription - more on that later) ...if they weren't I wouldn't. Temp this morning was highest ever (not that this means anything since it's happened before) at 98.88.

So I cautiously made my way to the restroom, after rummaging around for a HPT, and almost used an OPK. My bathroom cabinets look like the Family Planning aisle at Wal*Greens with all the fertility friendly lubricants, OPKs and HPTs. It's like fertility or rather infertility threw up in there.

And wouldn't you know it a very faint line showed up! I seriously could not believe it! I was in complete awe. I kept on looking at it in different types of light. I even held it up in front of the mirror like I do with my OPKs. (My motto is if it shows up in the mirror and a decent distance away it's positive!)

I ran to my sleeping husband and shoved it in his half-asleep face, to which he said, "That's great honey!" Poor thing had to wake up to a pee stick shoved in his face. Oh well not like the cap wasn't on.

Then it was off to work unfortunately but a happy day it was :) We celebrated tonight by going out to sushi...although I didn't have anything raw. Just a veggie roll and a cooked shrimp roll for me...although I would gladly give up anything for a healthy pregnancy!

I know this takes me now to the next phase...which could be even more worrisome than the last phase (if that's even possible). Now the big test...can I take it to term. I know this is just the start of another episode of my journey...a journey that I hope lasts nine months. But for this week and this week only I'm going to let myself be the carefree pregnant woman I think I deserve to be. This week I'm vowing not to think of birth defects, and missed miscarriages...this week it's all about healthy normal pregnancies...because everyone deserves at least a week of that :)

I'm working on a post too to just re-cap all the things I did the same this cycle and things I did differently just because I'm anal like that in case I need to go back and study. So stay tuned for that if anyone is interested.