Welcome to yet another Miscarriage Blog

Well, since I thought I never have time to journal in my livejournal account I thought what better to expand that to never having time to journal in a blog.



Actually I've decided to start this blog because of the same reason I've read that so many others start their blogs is to give back to someone out there that may find reading another's person's similar experiences comforting, as I have for the last month.



A little background on me:


My name is Yvette, I'm 36 years old (just turned this last April) I find it important to say that now just so it seems so much closer to 35...which in turn is closer to 34 which happens to be the magical age where apparently pregnancy doesn't seem to be high risk. How does a few months make everything change so much? Anyways I live in Los Angeles with my wonderful husband (isn't funny that all the women who have fertility problems have wonderful husbands yet the women that can get pregnant at the drop of a hat have the terrible husbands...fate is so evil). My husband and I married in Aug. 2005 and planned and starting a family as soon as he was finished with med school (no use in having a child you can't feed). And so that was the plan. My husband finished med school last summer and found a job around Christmas. And so on Christmas Day night we both vowed (over sushi - my favorite food) that 2007 would be our baby year. We were so excited. Especially since my inlaws were super baby crazy right now. Conveniently planned just at the right time between a best friends wedding and my brother's wedding this Fall, we got pregnant the first month trying. It was a strange yet exciting first experience...all the while worrying if I would be the victim of a miscarriage. After all by now I was clearly over the ungodly conceiving age of 35. Where had the time gone?

Pregnancy was especially hard during the first month with an insane amount of fatigue, all the while I tried to hide it from friends and family until thru the first semester until we got to the safe second semester. We only told very close friends and family before then...and I would do it the same way again. Hell if it was up to me I wouldn't tell anyone until I deliver. I have these dreams where I'm walking around work and people are asking when the baby is due with my belly clearly huge and me saying "baby? what baby?" When the say "well that baby you are carrying clearly!" I simply say "I don't know what you're talking about or ... shhhh! we don't want it to know that it's so close in case it decides to miscarry." Like it's a big sneak fest or something. Like I said before, if it was up to me I would hide under cover for the whole 9 months until it was all over and I had my baby safe and healthy in my arms.

So today is the month anniversary of when I found out that my baby was no longer alive within me. The month anniversary of that terrible ultra sound with no heart beat. Naively I was not so concerned when I first saw it. As a new mother I just thought it must be hiding somewhere in there...after all wouldn't I have miscarried already? Well the fertility gods are just that cruel and soon did I find out about missed miscarriages.

Just two weeks ago I had my first update...and the start of operation "get this woman pregnant". And since then I haven't been thinking about anything else.

A little exerpt from my thoughts on the D&C:

It's been a very difficult last 5 days. I'm taking every day from here just one day at a time. I've dreaded sitting down and writing about this since last Wed. but I feel it's an important part of my life now and necessary to document in my journal. Although I'd like to just high tail it out of this journal and start a new fresh journal with no mention that's just not how life works and that would be cheating. And so I will update with even the very sadest news that we lost our baby last Wed. Or at least I should say we found out that we lost it last Wednesday.It was Wed. that I had gone in for my 10 1/2 week appt. I felt very good about it. I had been feeling better and not quite so tired. Hmmmm should have counted that as the first sign. I had hopes that I had been thru the worst of things for now and could enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. First was the weighing (another sign) I hadn't felt extremely hungry the last few weeks so I thought that was good since I feel I have the ability to really tip the scales if possible. I asked how much I gained. Only 2 pounds. I look back now, so sad that I was happy about this. I thought hey I'm doing good! Only 2 pounds in 4 weeks! I'm doing really well. Well that's because I no longer had a growing baby :( Then was the ultra sound. The doctor came in and we chatted as usual. I explained about my cutting accident and I checked on the lidocaine. For anyone who ever needs to know Lidocaine is safe for pregnant women. Then as we chatted she checked my tummy. And began to get quiet. I have to admit that I've had really weird thoughts the past few weeks like if there was something wrong I would have miscarried right? I wouldn't actually still have the baby right? That's how it works???? Well apparently not. She's the type of doctor that explains everything she is doing and what she is looking for even when she is speaking about something that she is concerned about. Which I like. We could both see the baby but no heart beat so she got out the vaginal ultra sound, which was the one she used last time. Once she started viewing thru there I could feel it...I could see it....it was just dark. There was no flicker. There was no white dot pulsing like last time. We looked for a good 5 minutes maybe 10. It just wasn't there, like last time. I could tell her concern. I knew inside what she would say but deep down I thought there was some sort of solution she would have...I don't know what. So she said, "okay well let's go over some measurements together." And she shut down the machine and she talked me thru how last time the baby measured about 6.5 weeks. And now it's measuring about 7.5 weeks. But should be measuring 10.5 weeks and should be active already and with a strong heart beat. She told me she predicted that the pregnancy terminated about a week after my last appointment. Which saddened me even more because that's when we told our family for Mother's day.Surprisingly enough I was still very calm and didn't start crying right there, which is very unusual for me. She said she would like to schedule a D&C for me since it's been about 3 weeks and I've had no sign of miscarriage. (from the beginning I've had a little spotting here and there but all a very light brown, not a lot and not bright red) I didn't know what to do I was supposed to go on business to New York this week. She said that I very well could but to know that I would be cramping and might not want to be so far away from home if I weren't feeling well physically and also mentally. Everything happened so fast. I couldn't wait to dart out of the office after. They didn't ask me for the follow up urine test I originally was supposed to take. Guess there's no need to see if I still have that bladder infection. They said they would call me the next day to let me know when my D&C was. I sat in my car in the parking lot and just cried. I knew my husband would be calling during the day to find out how everything went and I just couldn't bare to tell him over the phone.The first thing I did when I got home was to call the only person I knew would be home which was my mom. She was very sad but strong. She told me what the d&c would entail (she had one when she went thru menopause. (which by the way it may be the same procedure but obviously you don't feel the same for something like this, she said it would be a piece of cake and wouldn't feel a thing after...uh no that's not how it is.)I was going to call in sick to work but realized I would need to be out on Friday and that instead of sitting home crying all day it might make me take my mind off things if I were to go into work. I don't know if it was an entirely good idea but I got thru most things okay. I knew I had to go into my boss's office and explain why I couldn't go to new york. My mom and I came up with a plan to just tell her that I'm having some sort of general female issues and needed a minor surgery, since I hadn't told her that I was pregnant yet (thank god) and she tends to be rather cold towards the idea of pregnancy in general. Of course when I did go in to tell her exactly that I instantly started crying which was completely embarassing. But I got thru it and came in on Thursday as well. I had my surgery at 4p on Friday and luckily my husband has Fridays off and was there to spend the day with me, which was very nice.The day of the surgery I needed to eat before 8a. After I was to have nothing until surgery...so we went to one of our favorite breakfast places. Everything made me sad. The fact that I could order regular coffee made me sad. The fact that I didn't have an excuse to eat a pancake made me sad. We then went to our favorite public garden. The same one where we visit from time to time and the one where he proposed to me. We had a nice morning just wandering thru the gardens and then headed home for lunch for him.Later in the afternoon we headed over to the hospital which is so nice since it's just 5 minutes away from home. My mother told me that her's was done in a spa like environment and that they gave her a nice toasty blanket put her to sleep and then she woke up feeling nothing. And even wondered if they did anything. Ummmm mine did not.I was admitted into outpatient and then prepped for surgery. My doctor met me there and I was so thankful that I chose a doctor who was qualified for surgery as well...one of my friends had her GP as her doctor and she couldn't even deliver her child. Not a smart choice.I haven't had a surgery performed on me since I was very little but it's as cold and scary as I always thought it would be. I do have to say that what I have learned from this experience is that I have an excellent doctor and have chosen an excellent hospital. I was extremely pleased with all the people who took care of me throughout the process from my nurse while waiting in out patient, while being admitted, to my surgery prep nurse to my doctor who met me before and kept on checking on me before we went in. That said I woke up with major major cramping and received medication thru my IV immediately, while my nurse consistently changed my dressing due to all the bleeding. All in all it was tolerable and everyone seemed to be incredibly sensitive to the matter I was having this done. I'm sure that by far this was less painful than actual labor, so I just went ahead and thought of this as a dry run...in a way. Later that evening my husband took me home and made me a grilled cheese sandwich for my "light dinner" that I was allowed to have. And then it was off to bed for an early night for both of us.For both of us it was a very sad day and definitely one that we will not forget although we may want to.

2 Weeks later - the follow up appointment:

Today was my follow up to my D&C. It was a little more difficult than I anticipated. Oh hell it was AS difficult as I anticipated...who am I kidding. I find that I hate driving to my doctor's office now...just because I've only been there 2 times..now 3. And 1 of those 2 times was a very bad experience obviously. Although this time wasn't as bad as last.Started off with being in the waiting room with 1 obviously pregnant woman. Not that I didn't think there wouldn't be any pregnant women there but I didn't expect her to look at me the way she did. Or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive. I'm sure my face didn't express pure joy and maybe she felt that. I sensed she was the type that would start chatting about pregnancy if and that's IF I looked pregnant. Oh well...it was a big disappointment for both of us I guess. Considering the fact that my stomach is not protruding in the least bit (lost 5 pounds already) she sat quietly with what I might have thought was a sympathetic glance occasionally. Which I have to say completely annoys me these days...I hate that sympathetic look, I dread it. It's the same look the nurse gave me when she brought me in. I know she remembered me...how I came in before and we chatted about this being my first pregnancy and how scary yet exciting it was. She was always very chatty and very pleasant, but was very reserved today as we quietly passed the scale instead of stopping to weigh. Normally I hate being weighed...but I would have given anything to be weighed today. I can't blame her...I would just be completely heart broken if I had to work in an ob gyn office and see situations like these. Again, as I said before, I've never been good at the right things to say to people in situations like these...and probably still am not...so I can't blame her at her quietness...I probably would have done the same.As I sat waiting for the doctor to come in I looked at the same picture of a little kid for some type of advertisement on a poster in the room. I remember looking at this little kids face before and thinking he was saying to me..."I'm what you're in for...get ready! are you suuuuuuuuuure you're ready?" but not in a good way you know? It's not a cute baby picture you know? He's sort of got a look on his face like "are you sure you want to do this?" Maybe even a little oh I don't know pessimistic? Or maybe it's like questioning? In a negative way? Anyways, I would definitely say the talent booking agent missed on this one. I've decided I don't like this little kid. He didn't look quite welcoming before and today he was just a reminder of my disappointment. Today he was saying, "well that was a big flub up wasn't it? Now you you have to start aaaaaaaaaaaaalllllll over AGAIN...that sucks." Yes, I definitely don't like this little kid. (Can you tell that I'm progressing nicely from feeling sad to feeling slightly irritated and even a little angry.) I think next time I'm going to turn that billboard around so I don't have to look at him. I bet you that happens a lot in that office.When I was bored of looking at the little kid I decided to look around the room at other things. For the first time I noticed a box of Kleenex right next to the table. I'm sure Kleenex is very common in doctor's offices but I couldn't help to wonder...is that for me in case I just break down and start bawling? I wonder how many other women were handed that box after they found out they lost their baby? And that just made me more sad so I stopped...but not before I grabbed a tissue and balled it up in my fist just in case I did need it. Better safe than sorry. Then was the hardest part when I heard the doctor enter in the office next to me. The walls are sort of thin so I could hear the doctor..I couldn't tell exactly what she was saying but I knew since it was another room other than mine that it was probably the fairly pregnant woman (apparently or as the nurse told me the first appt. the room I was in had special equipment for a early pregnancy...when you move on and you don't need the vaginal ultra sound you get to go to other rooms.) She was in one of the other rooms so I knew she was farther along. I heard the doctor talking in her fast talking yet informative way that she does and then heard the sound of a very loud heart beat. I wouldn't necessarily be able to tell that it was a heart beat from my own experience (since I never even heard the heartbeat just saw it) but it sounded like it did on those baby health channel programs so I just assumed. And then that made me sad...but happy for the mom. I wondered if I was ever going to hear the loud heart beat like that and even if I would ever move on to another room...hopefully without that little kid staring at me.And then finally it was my turn. Again I have to say I love my doctor. You can tell she's busy and has a lot to get thru but she gives you a matter of fact assurance when she's giving you options. We discussed that I still did definitely want pregnancy (hellooo um yes who wouldn't - but I guess she had to ask). She told me to still continue my vitamins and what she would like to do with Progesterone next time. She said that sometimes if it's not genetic the pregnancy does not come to term due to a deficiency in hormones. Something about a leutial phase...She gave me some options and her suggestion of what she would do if it were her. We decided to not even test to see if I needed it and to just go ahead and do it. She said it's used very often in infertility cases and rarely causes any issues. I'm all for covering every base possible so I said hell yes. Hook me up with some hormones! So the plan is thus far that I am allowed to try again exactly 2 months from my D&C date, and to test with an at home pregnancy test the first day I miss my period and continue to test until I get a positive (clear blue easy is going to love me as a customer - I handle some sponsorships for them for my job...hell maybe I can get a crate sent over for my efforts - that'll get the office talking). The SECOND I get a positive I am to call Dr. C and she will put in a prescription for the hormone gel...thank god it's not a shot...I would never be able to handle that myself. And then follow up with her for a 6 week appt. Hey I feel like I've done this before. Oh wait...why yes I did.Funny thing I should note...when I got to work I got out the calendar and started counting ... 2 months exactly from my D&C date...and wouldn't you know it...it's our 2nd anniversary...the exact date of our wedding 2 years ago. Would one consider that good luck? I hope so.

And so that's where we are at...me waiting waiting waiting for my 2 months of waiting to be done with so I can find out which group I'm in...the "healthy pregnancy after first miscarriage" or the "life long miscarriage heartache" that every fears...

Only time will tell, and I hope the end of this blog will conclude with a happy ending...as I always hope it does for all the miscarriage blogs I read. May we all have our happy ending...soon.