Another Day Another Melt Down - Damn KY Jelly to Hell

So while everyone is off BBQing and boating and such this labor day weekend guess what I'm doing? Having yet another melt down about ... get this... Lubricant. Yes our friendly pal KY. That's right. This morning I woke up and had this uncontrolable desire to look up the effects of KY on sperm. It's weird how I just get this inner voice that tells me to research or check on certain things. It's like my inner conscience or if you believe in the after life, Silvia Brown's spirit guide. I've always felt mine was a guy named Ethan. Don't really know why though.

So anyways Ethan, or God...or my crazy paranoia whispers to me this morning, "shouldn't you look up what this warming gel has in it?". Of course there were 3 ingredients that I'd never heard of before. I looked up the first one and found out that it was equivalent to some type of antifreeze!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL? I'm trying to get pregnant with ANTIFREEZE?!!!! Well that friggen can't be good!

It was all down hill from there...reading report after report on google sites how although KY shouldn't be used for protection against getting pregnant and it's not a spermicide it definitely doesn't help fertility and basically makes the little spermettes imobile until they just flat out die. Nice...reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally nice. (insert Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer here) "ALL THINGS I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOWN ABOUT BEFOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!"

So after sobbing uncontrollably to my husband after my findings saying how I killed our unborn child with KY I finally picked myself up and did the only thing I could think of to get my mind off things. Going shopping. Later we went over to a BBQ at my inlaws and now I'm home.

I sort of have accepted that there's no way in hell that I'm probably pregnant now. I mean we used it like every single time. The poor things didn't have a chance. Not to mention starting last night my minor cramping and twinges had gone away and I didn't feel a thing anymore. I guess it's retarded but unless I actually feel something I feel that I'm not pregnant even though the first time I'm sure I didn't feel much either. Anyhow I'm feeling sort of sore and crampy now but I have a feeling it's just my ovaries shrinking from the friggen 112 degree heat we are having here over in California these days.

So I'm making a pros list about this to help me thru...so next week on 9/11 when my lovely AF is due...and she comes riding into town in all her glory and my lovely egg is literally flushed down the toilet and I'm ripe for another melt down I can look at this list and think that maybe this month wasn't the best month to get pregnant...And this is why:

1) I can drink at my brother's wedding. Hell that's got to be good for something. No explaining to people why I can't drink...no playing games. Hell the way I'm going I might say something like "Yes I'm not drinking not because I'm pregnant but because I'm in the delusional phase that I just might be only to find later that I am definitely not and am a loser, thank you for asking and leave me alone alcohol free in my delusional state will you?" Wow if I say this when I'm sober can you imagine what I might say if I'm drunk. This might be fun. Also the fact that I have a hotel room at the same hotel the wedding is at. All I have to do is basically crawl back to the room or a pool cabana (if they aren't all taken by the rest of the bridal party) and I'm set. It'll be like college again only with a husband this time.

2) I can get my hair tinted one last time. I actually did this at the end of July but that was a little too far from the actual ovulation date so I can do better this time so when I get (hopefully) to 12 weeks my hair doesn't look like complete crap. How did I know you aren't supposed to dye your hair in the first trimester but didn't know about the damn deadly KY?

3) I don't have to worry myself about overdoing it with the planning of this wedding. Since I'm in charge of all the planning and coordinating it could be a very tiring and draining day for me. In my alternative universe as a pregnant woman I picture myself the day after conceiving sitting comfortably with my feet up in my girly favorite chair in my living room, sipping caffeine free ice tea and not allowing myself to put one ounce of stress on my body and staying that way for a full 9 months until I have to physically get up and walk to the door to be transported to the hospital for labor. Hey this is my delusional pregnancy and that's how I see it!

4) I can have some of the yummy sushi I helped pick for the appetizers for the wedding. Sushi is per say my weakness most definitely. And although for most people this wouldn't qualify as a pro but for me it's almost as important as air. I don't know how I did it but I got an OB that says that sushi is fine as long as I only have it once a week to limit any mercury going into my body. Of course every where you read it isn't and that it's practically deadly to the fetus if a pregnant woman even touches one piece of Maguro tuna to her lips. Hmmmm wish she would have said the same thing to me about FRIGGEN KY JELLY!

5) Conceiving a baby in Sept. will make it a June baby and therefore theoretically I would be taking June, July, and August off for maternity leave which would be nice because then I could go somewhere like Hawaii with our baby for our anniversary in Aug.. Do people take their babies of 2 months on vacation? (By the way in my pregnant woman alternative universe, I picture my husband and I jetsetting off to Hawaii with our beautiful new born, being upgraded to first class free of charge because we have a newborn, and then arriving at our beautiful Four Seasons Maui hotel which we would then be upgraded to a fully baby proofed suite.) Oh well even if we have to drive someplace it would be fine for me...It would be downright depressing to have to go back to work exactly a month prior to my anniversary but then again it's pretty depressing having to wait a whole extra month to get pregnant because you think you killed your chances with KY jelly. I'm sorry that's getting old right?

So there you have it...my top 5 reasons why getting pregnant next month is better than this month. Does it work for me? Do I really believe these? No. But am I going to have to buy it...yes...and so off I go to invest in some special "seed" lubricant that is "sperm safe" whatever the hell that means. Better luck next time. I'm calling this one a wrap. Friggen Damn Ky jelly.