Waiting to lay an egg.

So not much has happened since my KY meltdown. Except that time has passed and yet another cycle is here. I used to be very excited about starting another cycle because it just meant either that I was closer to trying or that I would be able to try and that this very well may be the month. Well that quickly faded and now my pessimism is all that is left behind. At least last month I had the excuse that the KY was the reason for no pregnancy. But what if this time it isn't. I didn't even use "pre-seed" except for one time. Just in case. Ugh. The more I make my way through this time in my life the more I acknowledge that my thoughts on this will continue to be up and down (although primarily down) until I actually have delivered a fully intact healthy child. And until then it's going to be ugly.

One thing that has helped me feel a little better is an email I got from my friend out of state. She was actually the last one I needed to tell about the miscarriage and didn't yet. I just ran out of steam by the time I got to her and secretly hoped that she had forgotten that I told her I was pregnant. She started off by asking when I was due. Lovely. Just Lovely. I again decided to go with the unrelentless hard core truth technique and just told her...nope not due...not now...not anytime soon. She said she was truly sorry and told me that she also had a miscarriage before this child whom she just had a few months ago. I was truly surprised. Although I know deep down that I'm obviously not the only one...but to me I really feel like all the others are in blog land somewhere and that none are people I know. She told me how she tried for 9 months after and finally was in tears and exhausted and just took a month off and got pregnant then. Yeah we all know how often that happens...whatever. Although I do give her credit for waiting 9 months. I would have given up at 6.

So this last weekend was the big "when will the egg drop" time. Which really irritates me because my ovulation predictors weren't working as well as I'd like. A couple of times I got a slightly stronger line but not like in the picture. So we've basically been on surge watch night and day around here. I've come to the conclusion that my body is hiding the egg drop on purpose. There were a few days of complete fear that I wouldn't ovulate this month but then the line got a little darker so I decided in my delusional state that this would count and that I must be ovulating. Whatever. So here I wait...now the long haul during the post ovulation period. Please god please let this be the month.